The boy who Lived
by Gingerme
Summary: Harry was the boy who lived, but what kind of life had he lived? What had he endured in the years that he spent with his muggle family? When Sirius and Remus finally rescue him from his relatives and learn the truth about his life, will they be able to help him overcome his past? Or is the boy who lived to far gone for help. Trigger warnings: physical and sexual abuse, self harm
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Harry Potter, if I did I wouldn't have had the heart to kill Sirius, which is why he won't be dying in this story. Warnings; this story includes physical and sexual abuse, as well as self-harm and a suicide attempt. The abuse is all in the past tense, and not terribly graphic because I don't think anyone needs to read that. The self-harm stuff is not graphic, but it is a pretty central theme so please don't read this if it is going to make you struggle.

This is like my favorite fan fiction that I've ever written, when I first started writing it, it was a bit too personal to share… so now I'm posting it with a bunch already done. I am planning to write more, but I'm undecided as to if it will be a sequel or just continued on this story. Like I said, this story means a lot to me, so if you like it I would really appreciate comments!

Last but not least, this story is about Harry, having been abused by his relatives, being placed in Remus and Sirius's care, and dealing with everything he has been through, as well as finally finding a family. It is obviously not cannon, and while I do my best to keep it in line with the books, I wrote this for myself, for fun. So it doesn't match up perfectly, and I don't bother explaining changes I made (like Sirius living). Also, there is no noncannon romantic plots, I think that in our eagerness to make Remus and Sirius into a couple, we loose a bit of the amazingness of their friendship. So there is that. I'll do my best to be consistent throughout the story, but I started it over a year ago, and then picked it up recently. So, if I slip up on minor details please be kind… Thank you, I hope you enjoy and review!

Ps. I don't know how to spell half of the magical names that good old J.K came up with, they are close enough for you to understand what I am saying, so please don't comment just to tell me how to spell them. It's silly and a bit rude.

What went unsaid

When Harry came out of the last trial clutching Cedric's body there were a lot of questions. All he could manage was "He's back. Voldemort is back." After that he just gave them blank stares, or shook his head silently. At first, they thought it was just the stress of the tournament, the shock of seeing his school mate murdered. But after a week people started to worry that it might be more permanent.

School was ending, and Sirius and Remus refused to allow Harry to go back to his relatives.

"They have never treated him right, and you know it Dumbledore!" Sirius argued as they stood in the headmaster's office pleading their case. "He's in a rough place right now and he needs people who will support him. Not people who treat him like a slave and call him a freak!"

Remus sighed and gave Sirius a warning look. He knew his friend loved Harry, but he could be a bit insensitive when he was upset. "Dumbledore, what we are trying to say is that Harry is very fragile right now. There is a lot on his plate and I think he would benefit from being with people who were aware of his situation and could be sensitive to it. And Grimauld place is as safe as anywhere else. I know you'd rather he goes to his aunt and uncle… but I think that might break him."

They argued with the older man for another hour, and when they emerged they had reached an agreement that no one was pleased with. Harry would go back to his relatives for two weeks, then he would be moved to Grimauld place for the rest of the summer and be in the care of Sirius and Remus.

Both of the marauder's made sure to be at the train station when the Hogwart's train arrived for boarding. They couldn't risk going to King's Cross, but they wanted to make sure their godson knew he was not being abandoned.

They stood apart from the crowd a bit. Remus hugged Harry tight, and Sirius jumped up and licked his face (as a dog of course). "Harry, it is only going to be two weeks. I promise, as soon as we can we will come for you. And if you need us before then, just owl alright?" Remus waited for the sulking boy to nod before he smiled. He paused for a moment before letting go though. "I know you aren't ready to talk, and I won't pressure you, but I am here for you when you are ready, alright?"

Harry gave the slightest of nods before pulling away and boarding the train. He sunk down into the seat Hermione and Ron had saved for him and leaved heavily against the window.

Hermione tried to give him an encouraging smile. "At least you only have to stay with them for two weeks this time."

Harry glanced up at her, but didn't respond. Hermione, Ron, and Ginny did their best to keep him involved in the conversation but they could only do so much. He hadn't even spoken to them since the last trial. Of course, they all understood, but it was hard not to feel helpless around him.

After an emotional goodbye at King's Cross Harry slipped away from the wizarding world. Two weeks later no one had heard a single word from him. Remus and Sirius showed up at number four privet drive frantic. The moment Uncle Vernon opened the door Sirius bounded past him in his animagus form. He raced through the house following the scent of his godson.

Harry looked worse off than he had two weeks before. He was mowing the lawn in the back yard. He had lost even more weight and seemed to be limping. Remus quickly informed the Dursley's that they would be removing him from their care and ordered Harry to collect his things. As he stood closer to the fifteen-year-old boy Remus could see fresh bruises on his face. Harry just stared at him blankly until Pentunia sighed and walked over to the small cupboard under the stairs and started to unlock it. Eventually they had all of his things and they were ready to go.

When they finally got to Grimauld Sirius morphed back into his human form and immediately began fuming. "WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE BRUISES? HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? THEY WERE STARVING YOU! I SWEAR I WILL SKIN THEM WITH IN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES THEN FEED THEM TO THE DEMENTORS!"

Remus sent him a sharp look "Sirius now is not the time!" He hissed.

The moment Sirius had started yelling Harry had cowered into a corner with a terrified expression.

Sirius was still fuming so Remus sent him into the living room, his voice so dangerously stern that even the fiery tempered Black didn't argue.

Once Sirius was out of the way Remus turned to his frightened charge. "I'm sorry Harry, he isn't angry at you though. I promise." When Harry still didn't move Remus changed the topic. "Why don't I take you upstairs and show you your room. Sirius has been working on it since we heard you were coming, it's actually quite nice now."

Harry refused the hand that had been offered him, but he followed his former professor upstairs without argument. The room really was nice. It was decked out in red and gold, and pictures of his friends and parents had been hung on the walls, along with some posters of his favorite quittich players.

Remus levitated his trunk into the room and set it down gently. "It's not very big but we thought you would want a room with more windows. You can change anything you like of course."

Harry was wandering around the room quietly taking it all in. There was a loud crash down stairs and He nearly jumped out of his skin, which of course did not go unnoticed by the older man.

Remus winced "I'm sorry Harry, he really means well… we've just been worried about you." After a pause he sat down on the edge of the large four poster bed and motioned for Harry to sit next to him. "You don't have to talk, but could you answer some questions for me if they were yes or no?"

Harry looked at him for a long time before nodding. His eyes pleaded the older man not to ask the questions he knew were burning in his mind.

Remus swallowed and gave Harry a feeble smile. He knew that Harry didn't want him to ask about the bruises, but he also knew that it was his responsibility to ask. And it was better that it was him than Sirius. "Okay," He would start with something easier. "Were your relatives preventing you from contacting us?"

A slight nod.

"Were they making you work for them Harry?"

Again a nod, this time a little bit more sure of himself.

Now Remus paused, the next question would be a bit harder. "Harry have they been feeding you enough?"

Harry didn't respond right away. He looked down at his hands. _He can tell by looking at you, you idiot. He already knows the answer why does he have to ask._ Harry settled for more of a shrug this time. _They fed me, sure it was the scraps from their table, and only when I got all my work done…. But it's not really starving if you are eating something._

Remus knew that Harry was shrugging it off. He could clearly see that the boy was malnourished. His next question was even harder. "Have your relatives ever hurt you Harry?"

This time he didn't hesitate at all, He shook his head fiercely. _He can never know._

Remus sighed and gave Harry a sad look "How did you get that bruise on your face then, huh?"

Harry wouldn't meet his eyes, he could feel the tears welling up but he bit his lip until the lessened. Then he shook his head again.

Remus sighed and stood, pacing in front of him. "Harry, I know you are lying… you are safe, you don't have to protect them anymore!"

Harry continued to shake his head firmly, while refusing to meet Remus's eyes.

Remus slowed and knelt down in front of the distraught teen. He paused for a long moment before he spoke again. "Harry…" He asked uncertainly. "has your uncle ever hurt you in other ways? Has he ever…. Touched you…"

Now Harry was shaking even more frantically, and silently begging Remus to stop questioning him. _NO_ he mouthed firmly.

Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Oh Harry, I'm so sorry… I knew that they were cruel to you… but I didn't realize the extent of it."

Harry was still shaking his head, but it was no use. _He knows… he knows and he must hate me, I'm disgusting. I'm dirty… I can't ever face him again… and he's going to tell others… of merlin he is going to tell everyone!_

Remus enveloped Harry in a tight hug and held on until he seemed to have gained some composure. When he finally pulled back he locked eyes with him. "Harry, I am never going to let them hurt you again, I promise you that. And I want you to know that none of this is your fault, and it doesn't change how I see you one bit."

Harry gave an almost imperceptible nod, then a crash from the room bellow reminded them of the presence of Sirius downstairs. Remus sighed "I should go talk to him, will you be okay up here?"

Panic coursed through Harry and he gave Remus a meaningful look.

Remus sighed "I'm sorry Harry, but I have to tell him. He is your legal guardian… I promise I won't tell anyone who does not need to know, and I will inform you of who I am telling before I do so. Would you rather come down with me when I do?"

Another crash made Harry jump, and after a moment he gave a resigned shake of his head.

Remus gave him one more hug, then promised to come back in a little bit and help him unpack.

After he had left all Harry could think about what that he knew. And that he was talking about his right now. _He's saying words like abused, and raped… he's talking about me like… like I'm some victim_. Harry couldn't stand it. After he was sure that Remus was downstairs he made his way to his trunk and searched for the one thing that was sure to bring him some comfort.


	2. Chapter 2

The Truth

Downstairs Remus was just entering the living room. Sirius had done an impressive job of destroying it. Since he hated the house so much, he was often quite eager to take his anger out on it. Remus didn't discourage him because he knew there were worse ways of coping. The couch was smoldering in flames, and a china cabinet had been shattered. He quietly pulled out his wand and vanished them both away before transfiguring a large statue into a couch and some new chairs. "Sirius" He said quietly "Come sit down, we need to talk and you need to stay calm and listen for once."

Sirius was sulking in the far corner of the room. He gave Mooney a angry glance, but seeing his friend's face he dropped his attitude and came to sit next to him. "What is it?" He dared to ask.

Remus sighed "I've just had a long talk with Harry, not that he said anything of course… but before I tell you what I've learned I need you to promise me that you won't do anything rash when I tell you."

Sirius laughed "look at who you are talking to Mooney."

Remus shook his head. "I mean it Sirius. That boy is upstairs quivering every time you blow something up down here. If you go charging upstairs letting your emotions lead the way he is going to be terrified. This is a sensitive situation and we can't do anything until we've discussed it and both agreed on it, alright?" After Sirius nodded Remus continued. "Now obviously he wasn't going to talk to me, so I asked him yes or no questions. He told me they had been keeping him from writing to us, and working him… and starving him. He admitted to all of those."

Sirius's face turned dark "Those rotten muggles why I ought to…"

But Remus held up a hand "I'm not done Pad…" He waited for his friend to calm down, then continued. "When I asked if they had hurt him he shook his head, but he was so upset, so scared. You should have seen him Sirius…. He was terrified when I said it." Remus held a hand up to keep Sirius form storming into a rage. "After I told him I knew they had, and he calmed down a bit…. I asked if they had ever hurt him in other ways… Sirius… that man… he abused him…."

Sirius's face went pale, for a moment he just sat there. "What do you mean… he beat him… he knocked him around…"

Remus nodded "Not just that though Sirius…. I don't know the details… but that man… he sexually abused Harry. I am sure of it."

Sirius panicked. He stormed and raged for what seemed like hours. But eventually he calmed down and they sat over coffee and decided what to do.

"Well we have to tell Dumbledore. "Sirius said sadly.

Remus nodded "We need to be careful though, Harry is horrified that we know… I don't want to tell anyone we don't have to… and I want to give Harry some time to adjust to us knowing before we subject him to questioning from someone like Dumbledore."

Sirius nodded. Remus was right. Eventually they decided that they wouldn't do anything else tonight. Harry was safe, and right now that was most important.

Once that was decided they both went up to check on Harry. They assured him that he was safe, and that they would warn him before they shared the information with anyone else. After they talked about it for a bit Remus suggested the go down stairs and find some dinner. It was almost 8pm.

OOOOO

The next few days were spent quietly in Grimauld place. Sirius and Remus did their best to be there for Harry, but they tried to let him have as much space as he needed. Sirius had bought a TV at some point, and Harry spent most of his time curled up on the couch watching meaningless programs. He hardly slept, and he hardly ate. Sirius insisted he simply needed more time, but Remus was getting worried. A week after he got there Remus finally convinced Sirius that it was time to go to Dumbledore. At the very least they needed to take Harry to a medical professional to be checked out, and Hogwarts Hospital wing would certainly be more private than St. Mungo's.

It was decided that they would split up, Remus would go to speak with Dumbledore, and Sirius would stay with Harry and go to the hospital wing. Once they were there and Sirius had spoken briefly with Poppy, transformed into his dog form and lay protectively next to his godson. He knew that this form comforted Harry more, and he also knew that this was going to be a very difficult day for him.

Remus had performed a basic assessment spell that first day on Harry, ensuring that none of his injuries were life threatening. But even that seemed to upset him, so they hadn't pressed further.

Poppy gave Harry a small smile as she began her assessment. She had offered him a calming draught, but he seemed horrified by this, so they had proceeded without. "I am just running a simple diagnostic right now Harry." She said warmly as she waved her wand around him. "It will show me any injuries you have currently.

Harry inhaled sharply. Sirius lay his head in his lap to try and calm him, but it didn't seem to help.

Poppy mostly ignored him, she was too busy reading through the long list of problems that had appeared before her.

 _Acute malnutrition_

 _Concussion_

 _Broken ribs (three)_

 _Lacerations (multiple on all extremities)_

 _Contusions and Abrasions on arms, face, torso, and legs_

 _Sexual trauma_

 _Broken metatarsals in the left foot_

At Poppy's sharp gasp, Sirius had transformed back into his human form. "What is wrong Poppy?" he asked, snatching the list from her.

She pushed him away and turned to her patient, her professional demeanor returned. "Harry, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to change into a gown. You have a few bones that need setting and some wounds I need to check." She offered him a thin hospital gown.

For a long moment he stared at her in horror, then he realized that he had no choice. She pulled the curtains around him and asked if he needed any help. At that he rapidly shook his head. Once he was alone he started to remove his clothes, quickly climbing under the blankets to cover himself. A few minutes later Poppy and Sirius came back in.

"I'm so sorry pup… this was all my fault… We should have brought you in sooner!" Sirius started to say as he came to stand by Harry.

Harry shook his head and smiled, hopefully that was enough to convey that he didn't blame him.

Poppy quietly started to continue her examination. "Harry, I am going to have to pull the blanket down a bit so that I can look at you okay? My diagnostic showed that you have quite a few lacerations and I need to make sure they are all healing well.

Harry tried to shake his head, but it was no use. She was pulling his arms from the blanket.

Sirius couldn't help but gasp at what he saw. Harry's arms were covered in cuts and scars, some of them terribly fresh. "Did they do this to you?" He asked in horror.

Harry thought he might die with shame, but from the look on Madam Pomfery's face he knew that lying would be useless. Slowly he shook his head.

It took Sirius entirely too long to put things together. "Wait… so… oh Harry…." He finally said quietly. After that Poppy suggested he wait outside, and Harry didn't object.

Once they were alone Madam Pomfery started the task of cleaning Harry's wound's and dressing them. "Because they are self-inflicted, magic can't heal them." She explained quietly. "But I can do my best with old fashion medicine. After she had dressed those wounds she did a complete exam, and set the broken ribs and the bones in Harry's foot. "I did my best, they were already healing though, so you will still get some pain and I want you to stay off that foot for a few weeks at least. We will have to set you up with some crutches." She smiled sadly at him. "And you need to eat more my dear, you are painfully underweight."

After she had cleaned up the supplies she had been using she came back to Harry's bedside. "Alright, I have one more test to do, and you aren't going to like it."

Harry gave her a worried look, he couldn't imagine how this day could get much worse.

"I am going to do a long-term diagnostic, it is a test that indicates all the major injuries you have had in the last ten years." Harry's face went white and she reached out and squeezed his hand. "I know, you don't want that… but it is important that we do it, it will help us to prosecute the people that did this to you. And I need to know if there are any old injuries that may have never set properly. I promise that I will only share it with the authorities and your guardians. Alright?"

Harry didn't really have a choice, so he gave a small nod. This test took a lot longer, several sheets of paper appeared before Poppy. To her credit, she kept her face neutral the entire time. And when it was done she disappeared behind the curtain, and Sirius came to sit with him in dog form.

Eventually Remus arrived at the hospital wing, he had insisted that Dumbledore give them some space, and that he could come visit Harry when Harry was ready. After a brief hello to Harry, Poppy called him and Sirius into her office to discuss her findings.

Remus and Sirius sat down nervously, neither of them was quite used to the role of guardian yet, but they wanted to do whatever they could for Harry.

"Alright" Poppy began as she shuffled papers in front of her. Let's start with the current problems. Harry had three broken ribs and several broken bones in his left foot. I was able to heal all of them, but because the wounds were old it will take a week or two for them to heal completely. He needs to stay off that foot and rest until he heals. He also has a mild concussion, which also requires rest, but I think he is healing rather well from that. From what I can put together the concussion occurred early in the summer holiday and so he is almost healed from it already. He has bruises and lacerations all over his body in various states of healing, which is obviously indicative of abuse. But he also has lacerations and scars on his arms that are self-inflicted. They have been cleaned and bandaged and should heal, but if he continues to self-harm then that won't really matter. This is a common coping mechanism for abused kids, especially those who've been sexually abused. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to stop, even after the abuse has stopped. I will give you a list of local therapists that work with magical children, they will probably be able to offer more help."

Remus took a deep breath. It had never occurred to him that Harry might be cutting. It was just one more thing to add to the list of things he was not prepared to deal with. After a moment to process he asked "What about his weight? He looks so painfully skinny…"

Madam Pomfrey nodded "He is very underweight, it doesn't appear that he is intentionally starving himself, and so at this point I would hope that he will start to gain now that he has ready access to food. And that is all of the current issues."

Remus and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, that was already enough to over whelm them.

"I also ran a complete intentional injuries scan, this shows the injuries inflicted over the past ten years. Harry's scan showed that the abuse has been going on for at least ten years, I would estimate it started even earlier than that though. He has suffered many broken bones and concussions over the years, it appears that the self-harming started when he was eleven, around the time he came to Hogwarts. He has been malnourished off and on throughout his life." She gave them each a cautious glance "And it appears that the sexual abuse started around the age of six. At least that was the first time on this scan that he was raped. It is certainly possible that less violent abuse was occurring before this and did not appear on the scans. It seems the abuse was very regular while he was home."

Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. This was so much worse than what they had thought possible. How were they supposed to help Harry through this?

Poppy nodded sympathetically, seemingly reading their minds. "I'm sure you feel overwhelmed right now, but just remember, you can do this. What Harry needs most right now is to be supported by people who love him. You two have your work cut out for you, but I am confident that you can help Harry through this."

Remus sighed "I just don't even know where to start… I'm afraid we will end up doing the wrong thing and only hurt him more."

Poppy nodded again. "Well I am always here if you want to talk, but I can't say I have much experience with the day to day of helping children heal from abuse. I do know someone who you may be able to talk to though."

Remus nodded quickly "We would be happy for any help that we can get!"

Madam Pomfry smiled "Well you might want to wait until I tell you who it is." She gave them both an amused look. "Severus has a lot of experience helping abused students. When he became the head of Slytherin he implemented health screenings for all his students. For some reason that house seems to have a higher incidence of abuse."

Sirius reeled at her suggestion "We are not going to talk to that snake about this! He torments Harry, don't you think he has been through enough?"

Poppy sighed "I know he has not always been kind to Harry, but he is actually a good man. I think if he were aware of Harry's current circumstances he might feel a bit differently. Even if he cannot set aside his prejudice with Harry, he could give you both some sound advice. Severus has a way with these children, and valuable experience that you could draw from."

Sirius was about to shoot back a sharp retort but Remus held up a hand to silence him. "Wait Sirius, Poppy is right. We are way out of our depth here and I think we need to at least see what he has to say. I don't want him talking to Harry, at least not until after we've talked to him. But I think we need to accept any help we can get."

Sirius still looked less than convinced, but he didn't argue anymore. "We need to tell Harry first though. He deserves to know who is being told about this."

Remus nodded "We will tell Harry first."

Poppy smiled and offered to speak with Severus first, to fill him in on the details before he spoke with them. Eventually the conversation moved back to Harry and what the next steps would be. Remus and Sirius wanted to take Harry home now. After some persuasion Poppy agreed. "You need to bring him back every few days so I can check on his progress."

After a bit more discussion Remus and Sirius left to go speak with Harry, and Poppy promised to come out in a few minutes with some medications and then they could be on their way.

OOO

Remus and Sirius paused before going in to see Harry. "How are we going to do this?" Remus asked quietly.

Sirius sighed and clapped his friend on the back. "We love Harry, that is what is most important right now. We will figure out how to help him."

Remus nodded, and then walked over to the curtained area and called to Harry before he pulled back the curtain. "Hey kid, how are you feeling?"

Harry was sitting on the cot with his knees curled up to his chest when they walked in. He looked up at them when they walked in. He did his best to offer a smile, but said nothing.

Remus sighed and came in to sit down at the chair by Harry's bed. "Alright kid, I know today has been really hard but we are almost done. Poppy is getting some things together for us and then we can head out."

Harry didn't respond, and he wouldn't look Remus in the eyes, but he seemed to be listening.

"Some things are going to have to change at home, but we don't need to talk about that right now." Remus paused and gave Sirius a nervous look. "We did want to talk to you about something else though… Poppy told us that she knows of someone who has a lot of experience with helping students who…. Who have similar situations." Remus winced as he said it. "And she thought it might be helpful for Sirius and I to talk to him. We just want to make sure we are doing everything we can to help you okay. But like I said last week, we aren't going to share this with people without warning you first. And we are doing our best to only tell people who need to know." Remus gave Sirius a look, he knew that this was going to upset Harry, and so he was rambling.

Sirius, seeing is friend struggling, interjected. "Harry, It's Snape…. They want us to talk to Snape."

Harry's eyes burned with rage and he firmly shook his head.

Sirius sighed "I know kid, I don't want to do it either… but this is uncharted territory for us… and we need to get some advice on how to help you. We just want to make sure we are doing the right things. You don't have to talk to him, okay?"

Harry glared at them both. _NO! it's not okay. But I don't get a choice, do I? I've never had a choice! I didn't even choose to be the boy who lived. They don't care what I want._ He balled up his fists, digging his nails into his palms. It wasn't the same are using his blade, but it helped ebb the feelings a bit.

Remus saw what Harry was doing and moved to stop him, but Sirius shook his head. Remus gave him a questioning look, but he dropped his hand.

Eventually Poppy came in carrying a paper bag full of potions and some muggle medicines and a pair of wooden crutches. "Alright" she said as cheerfully as she could. Then she proceeded to explain each of the medications and potions to them, and finally the crutches. "You need to rest as much as you can Harry, so these are only to be used when you really have to move. But they will help you to stay off that foot. I expect you'll need them for the next two weeks, but we will have to see how it goes." She showed Harry how to use them, then watched as he practiced.

Once that was done she walked them to the floo on the far side of the hospital wing and gave Harry a tight hug. "I'll see you back here in a few days." She said with a smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Coping

Once they were back at Grimauld Place Harry chucked the crutches to the side and stormed up to his room. Picking them up and following him, Remus sighed. "What are we going to do with him Sirius?"

They both followed to frustrated teen upstairs, and Sirius stood in the door frame while Remus approached Harry (who had flopped dramatically onto his bed) and set the crutches down next to him. "Harry, you heard Poppy, you need to use these…. You aren't supposed to be putting any weight on that foot."

Harry ignored him.

Remus shook his head and continued. "Alright Harry, we need to talk, then we will let you rest." Remus waited until Harry sat up before continuing. The teen glared at him, but at least he was listening. "Okay Harry, we have been trying to give you space… but now it is an issue of safety. Some things are going to need to change around here. You need to start eating Harry, every meal. You are underweight and we cannot allow you to continue skipping meals all the time, it isn't healthy. And you need to use your crutches. I know you don't care right now, but your health could be permanently affected by this and one day you are going to care." Remus paused before his last instruction and glanced at Sirius. Harry was not going to like this. "And Harry, Madam Pomfery told us about the self harming… We are not mad at you, but we are worried. That type of behavior can be very dangerous. And it is not a healthy way to cope with your emotions…. So, I need you to give me your blade."

Harry glared at the ground and didn't move. _They can't force me to stop._ He thought angrily. _And they can't force me to give it to them._

Remus seemed to think differently though. When he realized that Harry was not going to move to retrieve the blade, he stood and walked over to his, still packed, trunk.

Sirius finally walked into the room more now. "Remus… Maybe we should."

Remus shot a glare at his friend. "This is dangerous Sirius, we can't let him keep doing it." With that he opened the trunk and started riffling through it.

This finally caused a reaction out of Harry. He screamed, a blood curdling, wordless scream. The room shook, and windows shattered. Harry was standing now. "Get out! You have no right!" He yelled at them as the mirror on the wall exploded. "Who gave you the right to tell me what to do? Get OUT!"

Remus looked shocked, he hadn't heard Harry speak in almost two months. The room was shaking around them and he just stared at Harry in horror. This was not the boy he knew.

Sirius on the other hand was not at all surprised by Harry's reaction. He knew that his godson was a powerful wizard, and that when he was angry he could lose control. And he had already lost control of so much recently. Sirius grabbed Remus by the back of his shirt and yanked him away from the trunk just before it spewed its contents all through the room. "Okay Harry," He said as though he was talking to a wild animal. "I know that you are upset right now, and that it has been a really difficult week for you. And you are allowed to be angry with us."

Harry was still screaming, and now magically hurtling things at Remus. Sirius shoved his best friend through the door way and slammed it. "He's gone okay… And I will leave too, but I need you to calm down a bit first. I can't leave until I'm sure you aren't going to hurt yourself." Sirius could see that Harry had lost all control, and he wasn't going to calm down until he ran out of energy. Resigning himself Sirius sat down with his back against the door and let Harry scream. After a while the screams turned into more strangled sobs, and eventually Harry collapsed in exhaustion.

Once Harry had collapsed Sirius morphed into his dog form and approached slowly. Then he curled himself around the younger boy and let him cry it out. Once Harry was asleep he morphed back and carried him to his bed. Then he repaired all the glass and went down stairs to check on Remus.

OOO

The worn-out werewolf was pacing in the living room when Sirius came down. "He's sleeping." He said as he dropped into one of the wing back chairs by the fire and dropped his head into his hands. "Are you alright?"

Remus shrugged and continued to pace.

"What the hell happened up there Mooney?"

Remus paused in his pacing and gave Sirius a guilty look. "I don't know... He just freaked out…"

Sirius shook his head "Not with Harry, with you. You freaked out there Moony…."

Remus sighed and sunk into the couch. "I know… I just… it kills me, knowing he is hurting himself like that. And I had to do something… We are in a position where we can do something Sirius… not like… like…"

Sirius gave a quiet nod. "Like with me."

Their eyes met and Remus nodded "I'm sorry, I just kept thinking about it. How horrible it was, how there was nothing we could do… I don't want to feel like that with Harry."

Sirius sighed and moved to sit next to his friend. He would be lying if he said he hadn't been thinking about those dark days as well. But he knew that he remembered them very differently from Remus and James would have. "Remus, you were a child then… and it wasn't fair the burden that was placed on you and James. I wasn't fair to either of you. I almost killed James when he finally broke and told his parents, but you know what? Things got better after that. With Harry it is different, we are adults now… and we aren't helpless. But we have to be careful so that we don't do more hurt than help. And we have to talk to each other before we go up there and lay down the law."

Remus nodded in agreement and clapped his friend on the back. "When did you become the sensible one?"

Sirius laughed "I don't know but I don't like it!"

"Is Harry okay?"

Sirius shrugged "He's got a lot to be angry about, so I let him be angry. Eventually he wore himself out. I don't know though Remus… he's been through so much, I worry he will never really be okay."

Now Remus patted his friend on the back more kindly "I know, but he is strong… and he has a lot of people who are here to help him."

As if on cue, at that moment the fire place burst into yellow and green flames, and the Hogwarts potion master appeared in their living room. He took a moment to catch his balance, then turned to the two marauders sitting on the couch. "I would have rang ahead, but Poppy said that you three had a pretty hard morning and I didn't want to bother you."

Remus smiled and stood "Severus, thank you for coming." He shook his hand while shooting Sirius a death glare. "We really appreciate it."

Snape nodded aloofly. "Well I can't promise I will be much help, but I will do my best."

"Why don't we go into the kitchen and I'll put a pot on?" Remus said as he led the group towards the back of the house. "The living room is right under Harry's and I don't want to wake him."

Severus gave a questioning look at this comment, but he said nothing as they moved down the hallway and settled at the long kitchen table. "It is pretty early for Potter to be sleeping…"

Sirius shot him a glare. "Like you said, he had a long day."

Remus put the kettle on and moved beside Sirius. "We had a bit of an incident when we got back from Hogwarts. It was my fault really… I got too emotional about things."

Sirius had expected Snape to laugh, or mock them, but instead he nodded understandingly "Well it is a very emotional situation. I was shocked when Poppy told me. I am usually very good at picking up on things like that, but I'm afraid this time even I missed it. I know that it was partly because I had a grudge against the boy, because of his father. But I want you to know that I am done with that now. It was wrong, and I am sorry… And I will tell Harry all of that one day. But right now, I just want to do whatever I can to help you two to help him."

Remus nodded "That was very big of you to say Severus, I know that James and Sirius were quite horrible to you in school, and I know that they regretted it later." Remus gave Sirius a nudge.

Sirius glared at him, but eventually he relented. "We do Snape… Especially James. During the war his eyes were really opened…. He spoke to me just before his death about wishing he could make things right with you."

Snape nodded stiffly. "Alright, well now that that is out of the way…. Let's get to the real reason for this conversation. Poppy filled me in on Po… Harry's history, but she said she would let you two fill me in on how he has been handling it, since you obviously have seen him more."

Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. Finally, Remus spoke. "Well, for the most part I don't think he has been dealing with it… He hadn't spoken since the end of the last task, which you knew. Actually, he spoke this afternoon, but it was more screaming. For the most part he just lies in bed and won't talk to us. He hasn't been eating, hasn't seemed interested in anything…. And then in the infirmary today we found out that he has been self-harming, which Poppy said has been going on a long time. That was what he was screaming about, I tried to get him to give me his blade…"

Severus nodded as Remus spoke "Those aren't surprising reactions really. Even without the abuse, Harry has been through a lot. I wish I could say that cutting wasn't common among Hogwarts students."

They talked for a while about how best to help Harry, and about what issues were nonnegotiable, and what things they could let slide. Eventually they seemed to come up with a decent game plan. Severus wished them good luck, and offered to check in on them in a week and see if they needed anything else. Then he saw himself out.

Remus and Sirius were left alone to go face their very angry teen.

OOO

Harry was awake and sitting up in bed when they knocked. _Shit_ He thought quickly as he tried to stash his blade and hide the blood on his comforter. Sirius came in first, and of course he saw the blood.

He just sighed and gave Harry a sad look "Wait kid, let me help you clean that up." He said quietly as he conjured a bandage and started to wrap it.

Remus stood a little farther off. "Harry, I want to apologize for how I acted earlier… I was being insensitive and I want you to know that I'm doing my best to work on it. This is a difficult situation for all of us, and I think we all need to lay down some ground rules."

Harry had been preoccupied with Sirius wrapping his arm. Clutching his blade under his thigh and praying that they wouldn't take it from him.

Sirius was smarter than that though, once he had wrapped the wound he held out is hand. "Give it up kid… let's just get it over with."

Harry shook his head rapidly, causing the room to spin.

Sirius locked eyes with him though "I know Harry, I know how hard this is for you." He reached for his own sleeve and pulled it up, revealing the scarred skin beneath. "I really do Harry. But we have to keep you safe. That has to be our number one priority right now. And I know you'll probably hate us, and that is okay, but you need to give us the blade. And any others you have."

Harry stared at his god father in desperation, but after a long moment of silent waiting, he dropped the blade into his hand. _This is going to kill me… I can't survive…._

Sirius smiled sadly "Thank you Harry, is this the only one?"

Harry paused for a moment _Will he believe me…. I shouldn't lie, they are just trying to help… but I need this._ He nodded slowly, and Sirius nodded back.

After pocketing the blade Sirius continued "Alright, like I said Harry, we need to establish some ground rules here. But I want you to understand that we are only implementing rules to keep you safe. They are not punishment, and you are not in trouble." When Harry nodded, he continued. "If you hurt yourself again, you need to come to one of us. We won't get mad, and you won't be in trouble, but we need to know so that we can make sure you are safe. Cutting can lead to serious infections. And you can always come to us if you feel like cutting and need help not to, even if it is the middle of the night. Between the hours of eleven and nine we would like you to stay down stairs. I know you don't feel like socializing, and that is okay, but you are not going to start feeling better if you hide up here all the time. We also want you to attend every meal. You don't have to eat if you don't want to, but you must come sit at the table with us while we are eating. And lastly, we are going to arrange for you to speak with a therapist." Harry gave him a look of panic and Sirius held up a hand "I know you aren't speaking, and that is okay. We just want you to have someone to speak to when you decide you are ready."

Harry wasn't happy about the new rules, but he didn't scream or shake the room. He wasn't angry at them this time. Well he was, but more than angry; Harry was afraid. Because Sirius and Remus had come in here united, with a plan. They were calm and prepared. And Harry thought they might actually follow through. _They aren't going to let me cut…. And they are going to make me eat, and talk…. And I can't, I can't talk I just can't_

Sirius saw Harry deteriorating and did his best to comfort him, but he knew from experience that panic attacks had to just be ridden out.

OOO

Things started off a bit rocky, Harry didn't even touch his food at dinner that night. But he didn't try to go back up to his room after, and almost seemed to be watching the movie that Remus put on for them. Sirius had come home with a TV set one day earlier in the summer, a box of VHS's trailing behind him. It was mostly old movies, but they were the ones Harry knew so he didn't mind. He had never been allowed to watch TV at Privet drive. But sometimes at night when he couldn't sleep he would sneak out of his cupboard and dare to turn the TV on.

The next few days went almost peacefully. Harry was still having panic attacks on a regular basis, and eventually Remus and Sirius realized he was having nightmares as well. But he stated eating, not much, but at least it was something. And he seemed slightly more engaged each day. Remus and Sirius were making an effort to talk to him about things other than the abuse. They talked about Quittich, and his friends, and school. But eventually they found the thing that engaged the teen the most was stories of his parents.

That Wednesday they all made the trip back to Hogwarts. Harry was clearly nervous at breakfast, and Remus tried to calm him. (Sirius was not awake yet, he struggled with mornings.) "I know it's going to be a long day Harry, but we will be there the whole time. You can get through it. And if you ever need a break just give us the signal and we will make it happen."

They had come up with 'the signal' a few days before. Since Harry still wasn't talking, they wanted him to have a way to communicate if he needed a break from what they were doing.

All in all the two remaining marauders were transitioning into their roles as parents fairly well. It hadn't been easy exactly, and Harry was far from fine, but they had fallen into a rhythm of sorts. Remus had figured out how to identify when Harry was having a panic attack. It had taken them a few days to realize what was happening. He didn't hyperventilate or scream or any of the other things that you usually saw people doing in movies. He just got this glazed look in his eyes and curled up tightly. Once they had realized what it was they quickly learned something else, approaching him during a panic attack made it worse. Sirius was the one who thought of transforming. Harry seemed more at ease with him in his dog form. He was more comfortable with touch from an animal than a human. So every time they saw Harry start to panic Sirius would transform and curl up next to him protectively until it passed.


	4. Chapter 4

Speaking Out

An hour after breakfast Harry found himself in the small office of his new therapist. She was a woman in her early thirties, and she seemed extremely nice. She had talked with Remus and Sirius alone for a bit, then she and Harry had made their way back to her office. Harry was terrified. Sure, she seemed perfectly nice, and logically he knew that he had been through something pretty horrible that probably warranted therapy, but it didn't make him feel any better about it. _She is going to want me to talk…. And then if she makes me talk she is going to realize I am crazy and lock me up… or make me talk about things…._ Things Harry did not want to talk about. He sat stiffly in the chair she had offered him.

"Alright" She said with a warm smile "I know we met out there, but I'll introduce myself again. My name is Lou, I've been working in this office for almost six years, and my job is specifically to help kids who've been through some hard stuff." She offered a soft smile. "I love animals, and I was a hufflepuff. And I want you to know that what we talk about here is confidential. The only time I would tell anyone else is if you are hurting yourself, or I think you are in danger of hurting yourself. Okay Harry?"

Harry just nodded stiffly _joke is on you, I'm not going to talk about anything._

She conjured some hot coco's and offered him one. "And I know it can be really scary coming to a place like this, because you don't know what is going to happen, or what we might talk about. So, if you ever need a break you just tell me, or raise your hand like this. And then we will take a break okay?"

Again, Harry nodded.

She smiled softly. "Is there anything you want me to know about you? Or anything you want to say?"

Harry just stared at the ground. He knew what she was doing. He knew that Remus had told her he wasn't talking, and he wasn't going to start just because she pretended she didn't know.

Lou smiled and took a sip of her hot coco. "Okay, that's alright if you aren't ready to talk Harry. It can be hard to talk, especially if you haven't done it in a while. I am not going to try and force you to talk in here, okay? And if you do decide to start talking, we can talk about whatever you like at first, okay?" After receiving a nod she turned to her side and pulled out some paper and a pencil. "I have something I'd like to show you. Do you think you'd be up for learning a spell?"

This caught Harry off guard, he hadn't expected to be allowed to use magic here. But he was curious so he nodded eagerly.

"Great! This is a spell you can put on paper so that only you can read what is written on it. Watch." Lou demonstrated the spell and then wrote with a black marker on the piece of paper in front of her. Harry watched in awe as he saw the writing disappear as it was written. "Then, if you want to show someone what you wrote, you can say this and run the wand over just the words you want to show." She ran her wand over the sentence she had written to reveal ' _I like hot coco'_ written in black. "And only the person who casts the spell can reveal the words."

They spent the next twenty minutes practicing the spell. It was difficult, because Harry wasn't speaking, and because he had to use Lou's wand. But eventually he got it. "That's awesome Harry! Good job." Lou smiled and pulled a small journal out from the bottom shelf of her bookshelf. " Alright, now see if you can do it for this."

Harry took the journal and looked at it for a moment before casting the spell. Once he was done he tried to hand it back to her but she shook her head.

"No, that is for you to keep. See that small number zero down at the bottom there? That counts the amount of time the owner spends writing in it. That is your homework for this week. I want you to take that home with you and try to write in it for thirty minutes. Then bring it back next week and we will see how you did."

Harry looked at her in panic.

Lou sighed "I know it's hard Harry, writing can be scary when you have a lot of things going on in your head. But no one can read it but you, and you need to get it out somewhere. And if writing is too daunting for you then you can just doodle in it for thirty minutes, I won't know the difference."

OOO

After the therapy session Harry, Sirius, and Remus headed to Hogwarts to check in with Poppy. Harry was exhausted when they arrived, and he was on the verge of a panic attack. Remus and Sirius stayed on either side of him and quickly guided him to a cot once they made it through the floo. Poppy heard them coming and walked up smiling, when she saw them she turned back and returned with a small vial. "It's a calming draught Harry, It will help."

Harry looked at her hesitantly. _If I open my mouth I am going to vomit._ He thought in a panic. But he looked at the concerned faces around him and slowly lifted the vial to his lips. It took a few minutes, but eventually he could feel it taking effect.

Poppy smiled when he started to relax. "There, is that a bit better?"

He nodded without meeting her eyes.

"Alright, this shouldn't take too long… Do you want Remus and Sirius to stay while I change your dressings?"

Harry wouldn't meet their eyes. They were going to find out eventually, he was sure that Poppy would tell them. So it was probably easier this way. He half nodded and half shrugged. Poppy smiled slightly obliviously and walked away to gather her supplies. When she returned she asked Harry to take off his shirt.

Harry took a deep breath; the calming draught was helping but it hadn't been too strong. Slowly he pulled off his shirt, staring stubbornly at the ground. He knew that Sirius and Remus were trying not to stare at him.

Remus took a deep breath, this was the first time he had seen Harry undressed. He could count each of his ribs. Scars and bruises covered his skin so much that Remus couldn't find an unmarked area. But the real shock was when Poppy started to pull of the dressings.

The cuts on Harry's arms were still open, and oozing with puss. Even Poppy gasped. At first no one spoke, then, after glancing at the other two adults, Poppy asked in a very sad voice. "Harry, have you been picking at these?"

At first Harry tried to shake his head, shame was creeping up the back of his neck and he knew they knew he was lying. So he nodded.

Poppy sighed and excused herself to retrieve an antibiotic potion.

Remus just started at Harry for a moment, unsure what to say. He had been naive enough to think that Harry had just stopped cutting when they told him too. He was trying not to be mad at the teen, but he didn't trust himself to speak.

Sirius saved him. "We still love you Harry. I know it's hard to stop. We are going to keep helping you okay, it will get better."

Remus couldn't have been more thankful for Sirius at that moment. He didn't know where he got the strength to stay positive, but he didn't question it either.

Harry just sat there, the silence ripping him apart. He couldn't meet their eyes, he wanted to die.

Eventually Poppy returned and rewrapped his arms. "These are infected Harry. I know it's really hard, but you need to leave them alone and let them heal. If we can't get the infection under control you could end up in the hospital." Then she turned towards Remus and Sirius. "I think it would be best if you changed the dressing each day, and if they start to look worse you need to bring him back. You can wash them with warm water and soap, then put in this ointment. Making sure he is getting enough protein would help too."

Remus nodded "okay, is the infection very serious?"

Poppy sighed and glanced cautiously at Harry. "Well, because you haven't been eating too well Harry, your immune system isn't working at its best. And your body is under a lot of stress as it is. If you eat well and stop picking at them they should heal up nicely in the next two weeks or so. But if you don't it could become serious, you could get an infection in your blood."

Remus nodded and took the ointment. "Thank you Poppy, we will let you know if anything changes, and we'll be back in three days."

Poppy nodded and stepped away. Harry moved to put his shirt on while Remus and Sirius followed Poppy, speaking quietly to her. Once he was ready the headed out of the hospital wing.

"Sirius and I need to speak with Dumbledore." Remus explained as they passed the floo. Then he gave Harry an uncertain look. "Maybe we could see if Severus could sit with you while we talk..."

Harry shot him an angry look and rolled his eyes. He wasn't four, he didn't need a babysitter. But he knew they were worried he would hurt himself, and in the back of his mind he knew they were right to be worried.

Sirius balked at the idea of sending Harry to Severus, but eventually Remus won. They headed to the dungeons and found Snape in his lab behind his classroom.

Remus explained their situation quietly while Sirius entertained Harry by making faces and muttering jokes about Snape under his breath. Once Snape had agreed Remus and Sirius promised to be back as quickly as they could, then used Snape's floo to get to Dumbledore's office.

Harry stared at his potions teacher guardedly. He knew that Snape knew the truth about him, and he hated him for it.

Snape looked back at him awkwardly. He clapped his hand together, which made Harry flinch. "Oh, sorry... I didn't mean to startle you. Well um... I was working on a potion, but we could go have a cup of tea if you like..."

For a moment Harry just stared at him. Snape was being nice, he was being nice because he knew what had happened to him... What uncle Vernon had done... It made Harry want to hurl. He shook his head.

Snape regarded him carefully for a moment, then nodded. "Okay... I guess I'll keep working on this potion then. You can sit if you like..."

Harry took one of the stools offered to him. He crossed his arms and stared past Snape. He might have to sit here but he didn't have to pretend to like it. That was one of the nice things about people knowing he was crazy, he didn't have to pretend anymore.

Snape started working again, and after a few minutes of silence he spoke up. "Harry, I want to apologize for the way I have acted towards you. I have been horribly unkind to you, and I regret it very much. And not just because of what has come to light recently, I am sorry that that is what it took for me to realize how horrible I was being. I don't expect you to start trusting me, but I want you to know I will try and make it right, however I can." He paused with what he had been chopping up to add to a cauldron. "Remus and Sirius may have told you, I have a lot of experience helping children who have been abused. And I pride myself on being very good at spotting it. I should have noticed what you were going through sooner, the signs were there and I missed them."

Harry finally met Snape's eyes, he saw real regret there, and so he shook his head. He still didn't like him, but he didn't want to see him blaming himself either. Enough people blamed themselves for what had happened.

Snape nodded awkwardly. After a moment he cleared his throat. "Ummm, would you like to help me with this potion? I can't let you use the knife... But I could tell you about what I am doing. It might be helpful for your studies."

Harry gave a small smile and nodded.

Snape nodded too, and started to narrate what he was doing. Harry was sitting on a stool not too far from him, and he enjoyed watching. It was nice to think about something other than his situation for once. That was one of the things he had liked about school, it kept his mind off things.

Snape soon felt more at ease, he actually enjoyed teaching, and Potter seemed to be listening, even if he wasn't absorbing it all.

Once he finished with the potion he had been working on, a simple healing potion for Poppy, he started to gather the ingredients for his next task. "This potion is a little more complicated. It requires some rare ingredients and it is very easy to mess up so you have to be very careful when you make it." He laid the ingredients so that Harry could see them. "This is everything you need except..." Snape mentally tallied up what he had in front of him.

"A dragon scale"

Snape had been so busy trying to figure out what was missing he didn't realize what had happened for a moment. "Oh right, a dragon scale!" He was half way to the cabinet when he realized it. Harry had spoken! He took a breath a forced himself to stay cool. "So, you've guessed what we are making then?"

Harry had been more surprised than Snape was. For a moment after Snape asked the question he just sat there. Snape wasn't really anyone important, but he would tell Remus that Harry had spoken. And Harry couldn't say he was making it up without talking. He could still refuse to speak... But somehow, he knew the jig was up.

"Yeah," he said slowly, his voice coming out hoarse and scratchy "it's the dreamless sleep potion."

Snape nodded and smiled. He had a dragon scale in hand now and was starting the process. "We haven't learned that potion in class yet, in fact I don't teach it in any of the classes... How did you learn it?"

Harry shrugged and didn't respond. He may be talking again but he wasn't going to give up that easily. Snape didn't push him, but he continued to ask him questions about the potion as he worked. Harry answered them, he knew he was giving himself away a bit, but he wanted to keep Snape talking about what he was doing. And it was fun to see the puzzled look on his instructor's face when he answered correctly each time.

Eventually a silence lulled. Snape broke it, and when he did he was very careful in how he spoke. "Harry, you seem to really enjoy potion making... Would you like to come here for an hour or two, maybe every morning? I could teach you some more potions, and after a bit maybe you can even make some things for me. You don't have to if you don't want to. But I know you've been having a rough time, and sometimes it can be nice to have something to look forward to."

Harry nodded eagerly. He couldn't believe he was agreeing to this. He hated Snape. But he had a feeling Remus and Sirius weren't going to let him be alone at all after today, and getting out of the house for something other than therapy might be nice.

Snape smiled at the teens eagerness. "Okay, I will have to talk to Remus and Sirius and make sure that are okay with it. But as long as they are you can come."

OOO

Upstairs Remus and Sirius were having a much less productive conversation with Dumbledore.

"What it comes down to Albus, is quite frankly... You don't need to know." Remus was trying to stay calm as he argued with his former head master, but he was getting awfully sick of the man trying to tell other people how to live their lives. "I know Harry means a lot to you, and we appreciate your concern, but he deserves his privacy."

Albus scoffed "I am his headmaster. I am just trying to help!"

Sirius rolled his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time. "And if this were any other student in Hogwarts would you even think of asking these questions? Wanting to talk to them?"

Remus held up a hand to his friend, seeing that he was getting worked up. "What we are trying to say is that Harry has had a very difficult life. And when he rejoined the wizarding world there were a lot of adults who wanted to care for him. But because there were so many people we missed this. No one asked the important question because we assumed someone else would. And Harry suffered. That boy has never had a set of good parents to care for him, not since James and Lilly passed. And now he finally has us. We will tell you if we need your help, but we need to protect Harry's privacy."

Dumbledore looked a bit dumbfounded, and for a moment he said nothing. "Can I at least tell the order?"

Remus sighed "we will inform them of Harry's new living arrangements and our guardianship of him. That is all they need to know." With that he stood, and with Sirius following closely behind they disappeared through the fireplace.

OOO

Once they were back in Snape's lab Remus followed Severus into the office on the side of his lab while Sirius and Harry floo'd home to start making lunch.

Remus sighed as he plopped into one of the chairs Snape offered. "Was Harry alright? I'm sorry to surprise you like that but we had to speak with Dumbledore and I didn't want Harry to over hear it."

Severus nodded and offered him a cup of tea. "Yes, Harry was fine. We actually had a good time. I take it the conversation with Albus did not go as well as you had hoped?"

Remus shrugged. "He is just so stubborn. He wants to help, but he is poking his nose where it doesn't belong."

Severus nodded. "He does that, trust your instincts though, Albus means well... But he always has an agenda, and it isn't always Harry's best interest."

Remus raised an eyebrow at this, but didn't question it.

After taking a sip of his own tea Snape broached the reason he had asked Remus to stay. "I have never been good at small talk, so I am just going to say it. Harry spoke to me today."

Remus nearly spit out his tea. "He did? What did he say? How did you get him too?"

Snape held up a hand to silence to other man. "I don't really know. I don't know that Harry even knows why. I was telling him about the potion I was making and I was trying to remember which ingredient I had forgotten. He knew what it was and told me. I think it surprised him as much as it did me. I didn't make a big fuss about it. He didn't speak much after that. But he would answer questions I asked him."

Remus spent several minutes trying to process this information. "That's amazing! This is a huge step!" After a while he calmed down and Severus continued. "What really shocked me was actually something else though. Harry is smart."

Remus rolled his eyes "Severus I know you didn't like the boy but surely you weren't that blind. Harry has always been intelligent. He is very clever."

Severus shook his head. "That's not what I mean, I didn't mean to sound like I had thought he was slow or something. I believe that Harry is smarter than he lets on. The potion I had been making was one I don't teach even in advanced potions. There is no way he learned it in my class. And every question I asked him he got right. He seemed very cautious about answering though. Not like he wasn't sure, like he was hesitant to let me know he knew."

Remus shook his head "that doesn't make any sense, why would he pretend he knew less than he did?"

Snape shrugged "that's a question to ask Harry. But for now, I wouldn't push it. If he doesn't want us to know he is bright then he has a reason. Which brings me to the real reason I wanted to talk to you. I would like to have Harry come spend some time in my lab with me. It can be as infrequently or frequently as you and he like. I asked him if he would like to and he seemed excited. Of course, if you and the mutt aren't comfortable with it that is alright. But I think it would be good for him, just getting out of the house. It would also give me a chance to assess how much he really does know, and maybe give him the confidence to show his intelligence in class."

Remus nodded "I think that would be great for Harry. I will have to talk it over with Sirius though." Severus nodded and saw Remus to the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Change

When Remus walked out of the floo he could hear Sirius talking in the kitchen. He headed towards them with a grin on his face. Sirius was standing in front of the stove attempting to make a box of mac and cheese and ranting to Harry about the ridiculousness of muggle foods. Harry was sitting quietly at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. He looked up when Remus walked in and gave him an anxious look.

Sirius smiled "Thank Merlin you're home, I have no idea how to cook."

Remus laughed at his friends helplessness "Okay, I'll cook it. But first I have some good news!"

Sirius smiled "Oh, what is it?"

Remus gave Harry a look "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

Harry shrugged silently and blushed.

Remus felt a bit bad for making the teen uncomfortable. But he knew that Harry didn't have many people praising him for the small accomplishments in his life, and he was going to have to get used to it. "Harry spoke!"

Sirius reacted perfectly, just whelped, and then ran over to Harry and practically lifted the boy off the ground. "Why didn't you say something you little goof? You let me prattle on!"

Harry just shrugged and blushed. Remus saved him though. "Severus told me, he said you two had a good time?"

Harry just nodded.

Sirius laughed a bit more sarcastically now. "Oh come on Harry, you spoke to the bat of all people! What made you decide to start talking again?"

Harry shrugged "I guess that one therapy session did the trick. Now I don't have to go back right?" He asked cheekily.

Remus shook his head and laughed "Come on Harry, you know better than that." he said as he started to investigate the mess Sirius had made on the stove. "I know it's hard, but those sessions are going to help you."

Harry sighed, but he seemed almost happy. After Sirius badgered him with a few more questions he left him alone. Soon Sirius came over to where Remus was starting the mac and cheese from scratch and cast a silencing spell around them. "So he's talking, that is great! Did Snape say anything else?"

Remus sighed, checking his pot one more time before turning to his friend. "He did actually, he thinks that Harry is smarter than he has let on in his studies…. He was asking him questions about potions that Snape says he hasn't taught yet, and certainly beyond Harry's normal performance in potions. He wants to have Harry come work in the lab with him a few times a week."

Sirius rolled his eyes "Why, so he can torture the boy more? It's summer holiday for goodness sake!"

Remus shrugged "He says Harry said he wanted to, but he wanted our approval first. It could be good, getting Harry out of the house. And if Snape can help him to have a bit more confidence in his studies so he doesn't pretend he's dumb, well I think it could be good."

Sirius shrugged, trying not to let his personal feelings get in the way. "Maybe, we need to talk to Harry though. I'm worried about those cuts on his arm, they look very infected."

Remus nodded "I know, things need to change around here." They spent the next few minutes discussing their plans.

Harry had noticed the silencing charm, he had always been very sensitive to magic. But he couldn't read their lips. _They are talking about me…. Probably about my cuts._ He started to poke at the bandages nervously. After a few minutes they dropped the charm and finished making lunch. Once the noodles were ready Remus set the table and they sat down for their meal. They waited until he had started eating to speak.

Sirius was actually the one to start. "Alright kid, we need to talk, and I think we should just get it over with." He paused to let Harry respond, but when the teen just stared at him he continued. "Remus and I are worried about you, especially about the cuts on your arms."

Harry wouldn't meet their eyes, he bit his lip. _I am not going to cry in front of them. This is ridiculous, I'm not even upset._

Sirius reached across the table and squeezed his hand.

Remus picked up now though. "Harry, have you been picking at those cuts?"

Harry took a deep breath, he shot Remus an angry look. _They know I have, they don't have to make me say it._ He just nodded.

Remus gave him a sad smile. "Okay, Harry we aren't mad at you. But we are worried about those cuts, they are infected." Remus took a deep breath, knowing that what was coming next was likely to anger Harry. "So, until they heal we are going to have to do things a bit differently around here. This isn't a punishment, we just need to make sure we are doing everything we can to protect your health." He exchanged glances with Sirius before he continued. "So, for the time being, we need you to eat more. You need to eat every meal, and you need to eat everything we serve you. We are also going to get some protein shakes that Poppy recommended. You need to drink three a day, probably between each meal and before bed."

That got a reaction out of Harry. His head whipped up. "That's not fair!" He complained "That's way too much food, I get that I need to eat but you guys can't treat me like a baby!"

Sirius sighed "Harry, we aren't trying to baby you. But you are very underweight, and now that you have these infections you could get really sick!"

Harry shoved his half-eaten bowl of mac and cheese away from them "And what if I'm not hungry? Will you shove the food down my throat?"

Remus shook his head "Please Harry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it is for your own good. One of us will sit at the table with you until you finish, and you won't be allowed to leave until we say you've eaten enough."

Harry wanted to argue more, but he knew from the look in Remus's eyes that he was not going to budge, no matter how much Harry protested.

Once Harry gave a resigned look Remus continued. "And until these cuts heal... Sirius or I are going to stay with you at all times." He held up a hand to stop Harry's protests. "I know you think we are treating you like a baby, and that we are invading your privacy. But the reality is, right now we can't trust you to keep yourself healthy. And so, we are going to help you until we can trust you. You don't have to like it. But Harry if you don't let these cuts heal you could get very sick, like end up in St. Mungo's sick. That infection could move to your blood and kill you. And I am not going to let that happen."

Harry glared at Remus for a long moment, then he looked to Sirius for sympathy. When he saw the same determined face on his godfather he threw his Mac and cheese bowl at them and stormed out of the room. He knew one of them was following him, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He stormed upstairs and flopped dramatically onto his bed. When he heard the door open behind him he curled himself into a tight ball and wished he could just sleep forever.

Remus sighed as he started to clean up the broken bowl and Mac and cheese. Sirius had gone after Harry, and he had to get to the store. It had already been a far too long day.

OOO

Dinner that night was tense to say the least. Harry refused to meet their gazes as they sat down at the table. He tried to remind himself that they were only doing this because they cared about him. It helped that he was too exhausted to fight anymore. He started shoveling the food into his mouth without even bother to notice what it was. As soon as he was done his meal he disappeared in the living room and curled up into a ball on the couch. Remus followed him in and murmured something about being proud of him for eating his whole meal. When Sirius came in he switched on the TV. They had discovered that golden girls was Harry's favorite show, and somehow they had magically rigged the TV to always be showing a marathon.

Harry zoned out, and he didn't realize how much time had passed until Remus approached him with a glass of ensure.

He gave him a pleading look "Remus, please... If you make me drink that I will throw up. I feel like my stomach is going to burst as it is."

Remus gave him a sympathetic smile "I added a stomach soothing potion that Snape gave me. It should help."

The ensure was disgusting, but Harry drank it all. As soon as he was done he went upstairs for bed. At some point during the evening someone had added a small cot to his room. As he got himself ready for bed Sirius readied the cot.

"We have to change your bandages before you go to sleep." He reminded Harry gently.

Harry sat nervously on the edge of the tub while Sirius ran the water in the sink and got a warm wash cloth. Then he slowly unwrapped Harry's bandages. Harry bit his lip as he watched, not meeting Sirius's eyes. "Was it this hard?" He finally dared to ask.

Sirius paused in his movement. "Was what That hard?"

Harry sighed "when you stopped cutting... You said that you used to do this too... Was it this hard to stop?"

Sirius sighed and continued to pull off the bandages. He grabbed the warm wash cloth and gently started to scrub Harry's arms. "Yes, it was. It took me a long time to really stop. Because people can make you stop, they can take your blades and follow you around, but eventually they have to stop. So you don't really get better until you want to. And sometimes it takes a lot of bad things happening to get to the point where you want to."

Harry cocked his head to one side. "What made you want to?"

Sirius paused in what he was doing and leaned back on his heels. "Well kid, I had been cutting for a long time, kind of like you. And Remus and your dad had done everything they could to make me quit. Then during fifth year I got really bad, and really low. I was being reckless, and endangering my life. James confronted me, told me I was going to end up killing myself, and I told him I didn't care. And he did the bravest thing I've ever seen your dad do. He told his parents."

Harry's eyes looked like they might pop out of his head. "He betrayed you?"

Sirius gave a sad sort of smile. "No, he didn't. I thought the same thing. I was furious at him. But later, after Mr. And Mrs. Potter had helped me to get the help I needed, I realized that when James told his parents... He was staying loyal to me even when I couldn't."

Harry chewed his lip and didn't comment for a while. Sirius went back to cleaning Harry's wounds. Neither spoke again until Sirius had finished.

"So you were close to them then, my grandparents?"

Sirius smiled as he cleaned up the supplies scattered around them. "Closer than I was to my own parents. Your grandparents took me in when I was at my worst, and they helped me to find my way back. I owe them my life."

Harry nodded quietly and didn't move. Finally, he found the courage to whisper "So why didn't they want me?"

For a moment Sirius didn't understand what Harry and said. But when he did he dropped to the ground and enveloped him in a hug. "Oh Harry, of course they would have wanted you! Your grandparents loved you so much... I'm so sorry Harry I assumed someone had already told you."

Now Harry looked up at him "they're dead, aren't they? I'm really the only one left?"

Sirius nodded sadly. "They died in battle, before you were born. They were the reason that James and I joined the war. But they died defending what they believed in Harry. And even though they never got a chance to meet you, I can promise you that they loved you very, very much."

OOO

The next morning when Remus came into the kitchen to start breakfast he was surprised to see Harry sitting at the table already, sucking down a large cup of coffee. He and Sirius had been a bit shocked to learn exactly how much coffee the fifteen-year-old drank on a regular basis, but they had to pick their battles. "Oh, hey Harry… didn't expect you up so early." He paused as he opened the fridge to collect the ingredients he wanted "Where's Sirius?" He had tried to come off as casual, but he was a bit concerned. They had agreed to keep a close eye on Harry, and here he was sitting in a room full of sharp objects all by himself.

Harry rolled his eyes and took another swig of coffee. "Relax Remus, I didn't go postal and rip my skin off."

Remus turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow.

Harry shrugged "He's upstairs sleeping. I didn't want to wake him up."

Remus sighed and continued to make their breakfast, but he took a closer look at Harry as he did. The boy looked exhausted. He was pale, with large black circles around his eyes, and he sat with his shoulders slumped. "How long have you been down here Harry?" he asked in concern.

Harry perked up a bit, looking nervous. He bit his lip and didn't reply.

Remus sighed and set down the carton of eggs he was holding and came to sit across from Harry. "So a long time then? You couldn't sleep?"

Again Harry shrugged

Remus sighed again, getting information from this kid was like pulling teeth. He would have made a good secret keeper. "Nightmares?" He asked quietly. He had assumed that Harry would have nightmares, but this was the first time he had really broached the subject with him.

Harry looked down and the ground and bit his lip harder. _He has no idea… and I can't tell him. Then he will ask what the nightmare was about… and he'll make me talk about what happened. It was dumb anyway… I was just being dumb. I should have just gone back to sleep._

Remus waited a while, but it was pretty clear that Harry wasn't going to speak up. "You know, nightmares are nothing to be ashamed of Harry. I know for me, when I've had a really bad one… it helps to wake someone else up. Even if you don't want to tell them what happened in the dream, just saying "I had a nightmare" helps me to remember that it was a dream, and it isn't happening anymore."

That got Harry's attention. Remus chuckled at the shock on the younger boy's face. "That's right," he said through his laughter. "I get nightmares, losing all your friends in a war when you're 23 leaves a mark on someone. And for a long time, I had no one to go to. It wasn't really until we found Sirius again that I had a real friend again. He had this same talk with me, and made me promise to come wake him up if I had a nightmare."

Harry picked up his coffee and stared into the almost empty mug. "I'm sorry Remus, I didn't know. It really wasn't that big of a deal though, my dream. I wouldn't want to bother anyone."

Remus sighed, he had had this argument before, with another angry teenage boy many years ago. But this time he knew better than to push. It would take a long time to convince Harry that he wasn't a bother, and that the people who loved him were safe and wanted to help him. But Remus would keep reminding him. "Harry James Potter, you are never a bother. Sirius and I love you and we are always here if you need help, just try and remember that okay?"

After a small nod from Harry Remus turned back to his task of making breakfast. Harry quickly composed himself and got up to pour himself another cup of coffee. Remus gave him a look as he did it, but he didn't comment.

That morning, over breakfast, Remus and Sirius brought up Snape's offer to have Harry come and help in his lab a few days a week. Harry tried to appear indifferent, but he couldn't completely hide his excitement. He knew that Snape was catching on to him, but he was getting very bored here at Grimauld, and as long as it wasn't during class it seemed safe enough to be smart. Remus and Sirius had a few rules to his visits though. He could only go if he was eating all his meals, and he had to listen to Snape while he was there. But as long as he was not actively cutting, they would allow him to floo there by himself.

Harry agreed to all of this, and so they decided that he could start going tomorrow afternoon. Remus would have let him go today, but they had some errands they needed to run.

Harry didn't really mind though, at least he was still getting out of the house. It turned out the errands they had to run were actually fun. Remus took him to Walmart to buy him some new clothes. Harry just stared at him in shock when he realized why they were there.

"I don't have any money from the bank though… can we wait until after we go to diagon ally?"

Remus sighed with a smile on his face. "Harry, we are your guardians now. You don't have to buy these, we will pay for them. I would have taken you to a nicer store, but you are still very under-weight and I think it would be best to just get a few necessities now and then buy you a new wardrobe once you're back on track.

Harry couldn't have been more shocked. He and Remus spent some time looking through the clothes before picking some things to try on. He got four new pairs of pants, two long and two short, six tee shirts, a sweatshirt, and a new pair of sneakers. Remus also bought him a whole pack of new underwear and a bunch of new socks. But Harry's favorite thing was the sneakers. He thanked him so much that Remus finally got annoyed and told him to stop.

Harry blushed "Sorry… I just…. It means a lot, you know? I've never had a new pair of shoes before." He said the last bit very quietly, but Remus still heard it and his heart broke. He immediately dragged Harry back to the shoe section and made him pick out two more pairs.

As they were leaving they passed through the toy section. Harry had always been intrigued by toys in the store, and so he slowed to look at them. Then something caught his eye that made him stop completely. It was a stuffed animal fox with button eyes and a big furry tale. He reached out to pick it up and just stared at it for a long time.

Remus of course noticed "What have you got there?" He asked casually as he surveyed his list to make sure he hadn't forgotten something.

Harry smiled, tears building up behind his eyes. He blinked them away angrily before speaking. "Oh, I just…. This caught my eye… I didn't know they still made them."

Remus folded up his list and came over to see what Harry was holding.

"I had one of these, as a kid… Some stranger in the street gave it to me when I was like three years old. It was the first new toy I'd ever gotten. Dudley tried to steal it but it gave him a rash, so they let me keep it. I slept with that thing for years."

Remus smiled as he looked at the toy, he remembered it vividly. "Harry, do you remember the man who gave it to you?"

Harry shook his head "No, not really… He was kind of funny looking…. Wait, how did you know it was a?" Suddenly Harry understood, he turned and gave Remus a tight hug. "It was you… I remember now…. Thank you Remus."

Remus wiped a tear from his eye. "I knew I couldn't talk to you, or really help you in anyway. But I did my best to keep an eye on you, in those early years. And I saw that they were being unkind to you. That's why I gave you that fox. I bewitched it so that only you could play with it. I know it doesn't make what happened better Harry, but you were never alone. And if I had even suspected what was really happening, merlin himself couldn't have kept me away."

Harry smiled and turned back to the fox again. "I really can't believe they still make these… I haven't seen mine in years."

Remus smiled sadly. "Did you lose it?"

Harry shook his head "well it…. It…" he took a deep breath "I don't have it anymore."

Remus gave Harry a concerned look, but he didn't push him. "Well why don't we buy this one? I know it's not the same, but it could still be special."

Harry tried to protest, but Remus already had it in their cart. And as embarrassed as he was to be bought a stuffed animal at 15 years old, he was also very happy to have it back.

After they were done at the store Remus took Harry out to lunch. He watched as the timid boy picked at his meal. _He still isn't eating enough. I don't understand it, the boy must be hungry._ Remus sighed, he had a feeling it was a deeper problem than Harry simply not eating enough. But he wasn't ready to face that possibility. "Harry, you need to eat more."

Harry gave him a guilty look, then started to pick at his burger.

Once they were done with lunch they headed back out to the car Remus had been driving them in. He had explained that since they were buying so much this would be easier than apparating. Once they were buckled in Remus finally broached the subject he had been dreading all day. "Alright Harry, we have one last stop and then we can go home." He nervously started the engine.

"Where do we have to go?"

Remus took a deep breath "To the Ministry…." He turned to look at Harry as he spoke. "We have to go speak with an Auror about… about your uncle. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I knew it would make you anxious. I will be with you the whole time I promise, and once it's over you won't have to do it again."

For a moment Harry just stared at him blankly. Horror clear on his face, but completely at a loss for words. When he finally did compose himself, his question was not what Remus had been expecting. "Have they arrested him yet?"

"Not yet, they need your statement first. But once we get this over with they will. He is never going to hurt you again."

Harry nodded stiffly "Will there be a trial? Will people know?"

Remus sighed "I'm not sure Harry, they can keep the trial private. They have some type of protocol for muggle crimes against wizards, he will go to a muggle prison. You will be protected Harry, I promise."

Harry nodded again, and Remus started to move the car.


	6. Chapter 6

Difficult Conversations

The Auror who took their statement was Tonks. Harry wanted to die.

She tried to put them all at ease, to smile. She led them to a private room and offered to get them drinks. But Harry couldn't even think of drinking, so he shook his head. Tonks nodded and sat down awkwardly. "Harry, I know this is really hard for you. And we want to do everything we can to make it easier. The boss thought it would be easier for you to talk to me, since I'm closest in age… and since you know me. But if you'd rather talk to someone else I can have one of the guys come in."

Harry flinched. He would have rather talked to someone he didn't know, but men he didn't know scared him. "Your fine Tonks." He sputtered.

She smiled "Okay, would you like Remus to stay with us? Or do you think it would be easier to do alone?"

Harry considered this for a moment. He felt safer with Remus in the room, but he knew that Tonks was going to ask him some graphic questions… and it might be easier to answer them if Remus couldn't hear. He knew it would break his heart. "Maybe just the two of us… if that's okay…" He looked nervously at Remus, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt his feelings.

Remus gave him a searching look, then nodded "Okay Harry, whatever makes this easiest for you." Then he gave him a tight hug, and slipped out.

Tonks gave him a moment to breathe after Remus left. "Okay Harry, now I have to ask you some difficult questions… but if there is ever a question you don't want to answer you can just say pass. And if you feel like you need a break just let me know. Okay? Also, I am recording our conversation for the trial. This is a magical recording device though; you and I are the only two who can allow people to hear it. We are going to do everything possible to protect your privacy."

Harry nodded awkwardly "Thank you…" he mumbled.

Tonks gave him a reassuring smile. "You know Harry, none of this was your fault. And it doesn't change how I see you. It takes a lot of courage to come here and help us catch this guy." After a moment she started her questions. Harry just stared at the carpet and tried to stay calm. _Tell her what she needs to know and get this over with._

"Alright; Harry, have you ever been inappropriately touched, or verbally or emotionally abused?"

"Yes" Harry's voice was shaky. He dug his nails into his palms and tried to stay focused.

"Who abused you?"

Deep breath "My Uncle, Vernon Dursley."

"Thank you Harry." Tonks hesitated "Can you tell me what he did?"

This was the question Harry had been dreading. It was bad enough to admit something had happened, but to have to talk about it, the details… He wasn't sure he could do it. "Umm" He put his hands to his head, then balled them into fists by his side. "He ummm…. He did a lot of things… bad things…."

Tonks had a look of pity on her face, she put her hand on his arm, but quickly removed it when he flinched. "Sorry… I know this is hard on you Harry. How about we start with some of the easier things. Did he ever hit you?"

Harry nodded "Yeah, um… all the time. It wasn't that bad, you get used to it." As soon as he said it, the look of shock on Tonk's face made him regret it.

Tonks quickly realized her mistake and forced her face to go blank again. "Sorry, okay… umm… Where did he hit you Harry?" She said as professionally as she could.

Harry shrugged "Mostly my back and shoulders I guess, and my head. When he got tipsy he would get sloppy. When I was little that meant I just kind of got beat all over, but as I got older I started to learn how to keep him from hurting me too bad."

"Okay, did anyone else in the house hit you?"

Harry hesitated for a moment, _sure… Aunt Petunia did… but it wasn't really her fault. I don't want them to send her to jail too._ "No, just my uncle."

"And when was the last time he hit you?"

Harry shrugged, he had never really thought about it before. Things had been so crazy right after Sirius and Remus came to get him. "Um, I guess it was a few days before Remus came to get me… It was a Sunday night. He had been drinking, and watching the game… and he found me cleaning the kitchen. He got mad about nothing and just started laying in to me. He wasn't drunk enough to be sloppy either." Harry wanted to stop talking, but the words just kept coming out. "He threw plates and dishes at me, then he got a hold of the frying pan and… and…" He could hardly breath now. Tonks was kneeling in front of him, telling him to do something, but he couldn't hear her. At some point she must have called Remus back in. And then sat together until the panic attack passed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

Remus held up a hand to stop Harry "Don't apologize Harry. This is a really hard thing to do, and you are doing your best. How are you feeling?"

Harry shrugged "I'm exhausted. But I'm okay now, I just want to get this over with."

Remus nodded, and left to get Tonks.

Once the two of them were settled again, Tonks asked the question Harry had been waiting for. "Okay, now I need to ask about the sexual abuse. I know this is hard so just take your time, and if it's too hard we can stop."

Harry nodded nervously.

Tonks tried to smile, but she could see that they needed to just push through this. "Do you remember when the abuse started?"

Harry took a deep breath "Um… I was four"

Tonks nodded, her face stone. "Do you remember what happened?"

Harry shrugged "Yeah, I guess…. Just what you'd imagine. He came into my room late one night… at first it was just touching… then it got worse."

"And eventually he raped you?" Tonks finished.

Harry just nodded.

They continued to talk for a few more minutes. Then Tonks came to her final question. "Harry, that you know of, did your uncle ever hurt anyone else? Either physically or sexually? It is not uncommon for people who do this to have many victims. We want him to answer for all his crimes, and makes sure everyone he has hurt gets help."

Harry took a long time to answer, he couldn't meet Tonk's gaze. "No, it was just me."

OOO

After the interview he and Remus headed to the car. Once they were there Harry turned to him. "I know you were trying to help by not telling me about this, so that I wouldn't have to worry. But I have had enough adults in my life lie to me. I need to know that you are going to be honest with me. Even when something is going to make me anxious, being worried is better than being paranoid that you are hiding things from me."

Remus nodded seriously. "I'm sorry Harry, I won't let it happen again."

Harry slept the whole way home.

OOO

For the next two days, things were quiet. Harry spent some time each day in Snape's lab, and he ate most of all of his meals. Before Harry knew it, it was Friday again and it was time for his appointment with Lou. The appointment wasn't actually too bad. They mostly talked about living with Remus and Sirius, and how things were going. For a little while they talked about cutting, and some of the things he could do instead. He told her he honestly did want to get better.

"I haven't been doing great though. I still pinch myself a lot. And I did cut again after we went to the ministry."

Lou smiled sympathetically. "Why did you decide to cut then?"

Harry explained why they had gone, and how hard it had been. "Every time I closed my eyes I saw him again… I couldn't turn it off."

Lou nodded in understanding "That isn't an uncommon reaction Harry. It sounds as though you were experiencing flashbacks. They are quite common in people who have PTSD."

Harry snapped his head in her direction. "I don't have PTSD. That is something soldiers get."

Lou sighed "Well, it is true that soldiers get PTSD, but anyone who has experienced a trauma can have it Harry."

Harry shook his head "I'm fine."

That earned him a slightly sarcastic look from Lou. "People with PTSD often avoid talking about their traumas, or anything that reminds them of their trauma. They are known to be jumpy and hyper vigilant, always looking for the next attack. They often have nightmares, and or flashbacks. And they can experience dissociation, a feeling like you are disconnected from reality or yourself. Like your memories are not real, or like your surroundings are not real. They also often have problems with anxiety, irritability, and can have problems with things like addiction or self-harm. You don't see yourself in any of those symptoms?"

Harry shrugged uncomfortably "I guess…"

Lou gave him a questioning look "You seem upset at the diagnosis?"

Harry shrugged again, but he knew that wouldn't be enough for her. "I guess I just don't like it…. Like, it makes me feel like I'm broken now… like I'm strapped with this label I'll never get rid of. And it makes it more real…. Like realizing how horrible what _happened_ was."

Lou was nodded again " I'm proud of you for verbalizing all of that Harry, I know it is hard for you to do. I know PTSD can feel like a label, like a sign on your forehead telling everyone what happened to you. But it isn't. The only way people are going to find out is if you tell them. No one can tell that you have been abused by looking at you. And really, the symptoms of PTSD, while very unpleasant, are actually the good things that helped you survive the abuse, and now that it's over you don't need them anymore. If anything, it shows not that your uncle broke you, but that you saved yourself, and that you can heal."

OOO

Harry stirred the cauldron in front of him despondently. After his first two weeks visiting Snape, he had been allowed to start helping to make potions. Snape had made a deal with him that as long as he was not self-harming he would be allowed to help. But Snape also trusted him to be honest if he had slipped up. So far though, Harry was doing quite well. He still pinched himself frequently, but he had not cut in three weeks now. And he was starting to open up to Lou a bit more. He refused to talk about the abuse, but they spoke about what was going on in his life now, and how he was feeling. He had even gotten up the courage to tell her about some of his nightmares.

The potion he was making turned from brown to a tepid green color, and so he turned off the flame and started spooning it into small vials to be kept in Snape's store house. It was an anti-infective potion that he kept down here for minor accidents. Half the batch was to be sent up to the hospital wing.

Once Harry had finished with his potion he went to find Snape, who was working on a potion of his own. Harry sat down at the laboratory bench and started picking through the books Snape had left scattered there.

"Find anything that interests you there Harry? You know you are welcome to borrow my books." Snape smiled without looking up from his potion. He had grown fond of Harry over the past few weeks. The boy was extremely bright, and eager to learn.

"I've already read these," Harry said quietly, his voice dripping with boredom.

Snape smiled "Once I finish with this we can go look at the ones in my private collection. I set aside a few I thought might interest you last night."

Harry smiled and turned to watch as Snape worked. After a moment of silence, he asked the question that had been lingering in his mind. "Professor Snape," Severus had tried to get Harry to call him by his first name, but eventually given up. "What is going to happen when school starts up again in the fall?"

Now Snape risked a glance up at the young teen. Sometimes it was easy to forget Harry was fifteen years old. He talked as though he was an adult, but he had the fears of a child. "What do you mean Harry? Classes will start, your friends will come back…"

Harry shook his head "I mean… with us… Can I still…"

Now Snape smiled and came over to the boy. "Harry, you will always be welcome in my lab. In fact, I have several advanced students who keep small lab areas during the year. I help them to work on private projects and in return they help me with keeping my cupboards stocked and prepping for classes."

Harry smiled "Thank you Professor, I would like that a lot."

Now Snape gave Harry a more uneasy look "I've been meaning to talk to you about school though Harry. I have a question for you, but you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

Harry gave a reluctant smile "You want to know why I pretended to be dumb?"

Snape nodded "I know I've been cruel to you, but Harry you are so bright! Even in your written work you could have done so much better. I'm not upset, I was just curious."

Harry shrugged and chewed at his lip a bit. "I don't really know why, well I guess I do a bit. With my… relatives…. I always had to pretend to be dumb, so as not to attract attention to myself. If I looked smarter than Dudley, I got into trouble. I did everything I could to be invisible, even when we went out, even when I was at school. When I was in my first year of primary my teacher thought I was gifted, she wanted to have me tested and put in special classes and stuff. I brought home a letter about it and… and… Uncle Vernon got really mad. He… did things to me, I mean he beat me… but other things too. He said that was all I was good for. And that I must have cheated, that I deserved to be punished. He said if I ever came home with another letter like that again he wouldn't let me go to school anymore. After that I started playing dumb. At first, I played too dumb, and almost got caught. But as I got older I got better at it. My life goal was to just be invisible."

Harry bit his lip again, tears welling up in his eyes. But he was not going to cry in front of Snape. "That's why it was so hard when I came here. Because no matter what I did I couldn't be invisible. I was terrified, I didn't know anything about this world, and everywhere I went people knew who I was and wanted to talk to me. That's when things started getting really bad. I started having panic attacks and stuff. That's when I started cutting."

Snape sighed and gave Harry a hug, but he felt Harry stiffen, so he drew back. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." He said quickly. "Harry, thank you for telling me all that. I'm sorry your uncle made you feel you had to hide your intelligence. You know that what he said was a lie right? He lied to you because he was afraid that he would get caught. You didn't do anything wrong."

Now Harry couldn't keep the tears back. He leaned forward and let Snape hug him. It was awkward for both of them, each being uncomfortable with physical contact. But when Harry pulled away he felt a bit better. "Thank you Snape," He managed as he wiped his face.

As Snape turned back to his potion he vanished it away, having been ruined while they were talking.

"Oh Snape, I'm sorry… that was my fault. I can stay late and help you fix it!"

shook his head "Harry, you are more important than a potion, I will have time to work on it later. Let's go find you some books before you need to get home."

As they were looking though the stack of books Snape had set aside for him, Snape dared to broach the subject again. "Harry, when we come back to school… I've been think about what we should do about your potions class…"

Harry looked up from the book he had been flipping through. "What do you mean? Won't I take the same one as all the other fifth years?"

Snape chuckled "I think it would be a bit simple for you, don't you? Harry you're already doing things that my advanced class doesn't do! That book your reading is a text that many adult wizards wouldn't understand! I think the fifth year class would be a waste of your time."

Harry dropped the book and shook his head "What do you want me to do then?"

Snape smiled "Well I told you about the other students that come work in my lab. I was thinking of about the other students that come work in my lab. I was thinking of organizing a special potions class just for you, and them of course. Right now they just come in their spare time, but we could make it an accelerated class of some sort."

Harry was shaking his head more vigorously now "I don't want to." he said quietly.

Snape looked at him in confusion. "But Harry, you would love it. It would be a smaller class, and you would all be bright. You would actually learn something, be challenged!"

Now Harry had was standing, having cast all the books he had been looking at aside. "No!" He practically screamed. "I don't want to be in your special class, or your special club. I hate potions! You can't make me!" Now he was out the door and running for the floo. Snape tried to run after him, but there was no use.

The next day Harry didn't come to the lab. Snape decided to give him some space. But on the fourth day he missed Snape got worried and flooed over to grimuald.

OOO

Remus was sitting in the living room when he arrived. "Oh Snape, we weren't expecting you. How are you feeling?"

Snape gave him a look. "I'm fine, I am just worried about Harry. He hasn't been by in a few days and he usually owls me if he can't come."

Remus gave him an equally confused look. "Harry told me that you weren't feeling well and would be out of the lab for a few days. What is going on?" Remus moved towards the living room door and called for Harry to come down. "He should be down in a moment; would you like some tea Severus?"

Snape shook his head "I'm alright Remus."

Remus nodded and motioned for them to sit. "Harry seemed upset when he came home from the lab the other day, but I just thought he was upset about missing a few days. He can get so irritable, and he doesn't like change. I should have asked him more about it."

Snape shook his head "It's not your fault Remus, you're doing a wonderful job with him. But you can only help when he tells you what is wrong."

Remus sighed and nodded "thank you Sev, did something happen in the lab the other day?"

Severus sighed "Yes, it was my fault, I should have thought it through more… but I thought he would be excited by it."

"By what?"

"We were talking about the new school year. And we actually had a really great conversation about why he hid his intelligence in the past. That should have been my clue, he doesn't like the attention being bright brings. His uncle… well Harry survived all those years at home by not calling attention to himself. I was telling him that I wanted to start a new class, I have several gifted students, and I thought it would be nice to have a class just for them. Right now they all attend their normal classes, and then work with me in their spare time. But there are enough of them now that we could have our own class. I thought he would be excited by the idea, maybe even flattered. And I thought it would be good for him to be with peers who are like he is, to be challenged in a classroom setting."

Remus was about to respond in agreement, but Harry came in. He took one look at Snape and started to leave. But Remus stood and caught him at the door. "Harry, come on now, Severus came over here because he is worried about you. And I am too. You love working with him in the lab, why would you lie to us and say he was sick?"

Harry huffed and crossed his arms "So I wanted a break from all the school work. This is supposed to be my summer holiday you know."

Remus gave him a warning look "Harry, no one was forcing you to go there, you knew that you could say you didn't want to anymore at any time. Now come in and talk to us. Severus was just telling me about what happened."

Harry shot a panicked look at Snape who shook his head slightly. "I was telling Remus about the special class I wanted to organize."

Harry held his gaze for a moment, then walked into the room and plopped down into one of the wing backed chairs. "You can't make me take a special class. And if you do, I'll fail on purpose."

Snape sighed "Harry, I'm sorry… I shouldn't have brought it up like that. I should have realized that it was a difficult topic for you. If you are more comfortable staying in the class with your year, that is alright with me. But I want to see your best work, even on things you find easy. And I can't force you to come to the lab in your spare time, but I think you would enjoy it."

Harry didn't meet his gaze, but he nodded stiffly.

Remus looked between them, trying to think of what to say. Finally, he thought of a question that seemed important. "Harry, is it just potions you were pretending in? Or are there other classes where you did poorly on purpose?"

Harry stiffened for a moment, but said nothing.

Remus knew him very well though, and he could read his face. "So, there are other classes, how many? All of them?"

Harry stared at the carpet and shrugged "I don't know… I guess…"

Remus was smirking a bit now. "You may be the spitting image of your father, but you have your mother's temperament."

Now Harry raised his eyes to meet his uncles "You aren't mad then?"

Remus laughed "Mad? That you are smart? No Harry, not at all. And under the circumstance I can understand why you hid it. But circumstances have changed. I don't care if you get good grades Harry, but I never want to hear that you are not trying your best."

Harry smiled a bit, and nodded.

Remus was scratching his chin now. "We should probably get you tested you know, see where you actually are. Like your levels." Harry gave him a frightened look, so Remus dropped it.

OOO

The next few weeks seemed to fly by, Harry returned to the lab with Snape, and everything was going well. It certainly wasn't perfect; Harry wasn't gaining weight as fast as Poppy wanted him to be, they regularly argued about how much he ate, and Harry was still often closed off and moody. But he was slowly improving. He had started to be able to verbalize his problems, such as telling Sirius and Remus when he was having flashbacks or panic attacks, and he had become more open about talking about his feelings. He still generally avoided talking about his past, but every so often he would open up to someone about something.

They were celebrating his first full month clean from cutting (almost two months into the holiday) when Tonks showed up at their door. It wasn't that shocking, she had been spending more time at the house recently. Staying after order meetings, or coming by in the afternoons before them to hang out with Remus. But this time, she looked upset.

Remus quickly ushered her into the living room and firmly shut the door behind them, after mouthing a " _Sorry"_ to Harry.

Harry didn't mind though, he and Sirius cut into his cake, and he begged Sirius to talk about anything other than how proud he was of him. Sirius laughed and finally relented, instead telling Harry stories of his parents.

Remus quietly led Nymphadora to the small couch by the fire and waved his wand at the bare logs. Once the fire was lit and the room heating up a bit, he turned to the young woman. "what's wrong Nymph? I've never seen you like this."

Tonks took a deep breath and started pacing before the fire. "I have to tell you something Remus…. And it's going to upset you. But worse, it's going to upset Harry…. I don't know how this could happen. I was so sure it wouldn't…. Smith promised me that it would be easy, no glitches."

Remus stood and took her gently by the shoulders. "Nymph, just tell me what happened."

She nodded, and after another deep breath she started her story. "So, you know how you and Harry came down to the Ministry a couple of weeks ago, so we could take his statement."

"Yeah" Remus said nervously.

"well, I took the statement because my boss thought Harry would be most comfortable with me. But I'm not in charge of the investigation, Smith is. And he told me that is was going to be an easy case. That we only needed Harry's statement as a formality. But I guess That piece of slime was smarter than Smith had thought, and now he's fighting back. He wants a trial Remus…. Harry's uncle, he is saying that Harry is lying. That someone else must have abused him and he only said it was his uncle because he was scared. They are pretending like they are all upset and concerned. They want to get custody of Harry again and everything."

For a moment Remus just sat there in shock. "He can't win though, with the evidence that Poppy has, it doesn't matter what he says."

Tonks shook her head "That evidence only proves that Harry was abused, it doesn't prove who did it."

Remus dropped his head into his hands. "So, he could get away with it? I don't care what happens, I'm not giving Harry back to that monster."

Tonks put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "I don't think they could get Harry back, but he could get away with it. Unless…."

Remus looked up at her, a worried look in his eye. "I don't like the way you said that. Unless what?"

Tonks sighed "Smith says that if Harry were to testify, we would have a very good chance of winning the case."

Remus shook his head "No, you saw how hard it was for him to talk to you, let alone a room full of people. And that monster staring him down? I won't allow it."

Tonks sighed "I know it would be hard, but it might be the only way to make him pay for what he has done to Harry. We can't force him, and we wouldn't want to. But don't you think it should at least be Harry's choice? If we don't win this case, The Dursley's could sue to get their rights back. They would never win, but they could drag Harry back to court anyway. They could go public, they could make his life very difficult. And besides that, Harry is the one who had to live through that hell… If it's too hard for him, then that's okay. But I know if it were me, I would sleep a lot better with that monster behind bars."


	7. Chapter 7

Trial and error

"I'll do it." He said the moment Remus asked.

"Harry, I think you should consider this for a little while. Maybe even talk it over with Lou. It is going to be very difficult, and I don't want you to rush into this because you think you have to. No one would think any less of you if you wanted to just walk away."

Harry shook his head. "I don't need to think about it. I'll do it. I mean, if I don't, then they could try and get me back right?"

Remus shook his head "They wouldn't win Harry. Even if we can't prove that they were the ones who hurt you, they let it happen."

Harry shook his head "But they could try, and I would still have to face them. And it could get out. I want to do this Remus. I know it's going to be hard. I'm terrified just thinking about it. But I will never be able to forgive myself if he walks away from this, and I could have stopped him."

Remus sighed "Harry, you are a kid, it's not your job to stop people like that."

Now Harry had a fire in his eyes that Remus hadn't seen in a long time. "But I can. All those years, he did all those horrible things to me. And I couldn't stop him. And now I can, I can't walk away from that."

OOO

The trial date was set for two weeks away. Harry talked with Lou for a long time about the trial, but as it got closer he became more and more anxious. The night before the trail was going to start he got into it with Remus at dinner.

"Harry, I know you're worried about tomorrow, but you still need to eat."

Harry slammed down his fork. He was vaguely aware that he was being irrational, and that he wasn't really mad at Remus. But he didn't care. "I'm not hungry." He muttered darkly.

Remus sighed and gave Sirius a look. Sirius sputtered a bit, "Um, Harry… Remus is right."

Harry rolled his eyes and stood, slamming his almost full plate in to the sink. "You always take his side, I'm fifteen years old! I don't need people watching everything I eat. It's none of your business!"

He stormed upstairs and slammed his door shut, performing a locking charm on the door, even though he knew it was useless. He could hear Remus yelling after him, and then Sirius yelling at Remus. But he didn't care anymore. He didn't care about anything. All that mattered was that tomorrow he was going to have to face his uncle. And he couldn't let anything stop him.

In a moment he had made a decision. Carrying it out took a bit more work. First, he searched his trunk, but Remus and Sirius had been thorough in their search of his stuff. After giving up on his trunk he unlocked his door and slipped into the bathroom. He broke the mirror as silently as he could and disappeared back in to his bedroom. As his hand hovered over his arm, the large shard grazing his skin, he almost stopped himself. But then he saw his uncle's face and he took the plunge.

An hour later, Remus came to find him. Harry hadn't bothered to try and clean up the mess, he knew Remus would come to find him, and even if he didn't smell the blood on him, they would see the broken mirror. Remus knocked, then unlocked the door. He was pocketing his wand when he caught sight of his ward. "Oh Harry," He said in a low, resigned voice. He walked over to the boy slowly and picked up the mirror shard from the ground next to him.

Harry gave him a sad look. "I'm sorry Remus… I shouldn't have yelled, or left the table."

Remus sighed and sunk down next to Harry, leaning his back against the bed frame. "I'm not mad Harry, I'm just worried about you. Maybe this is too much, maybe we should reconsider."

That got Harry's attention. "No, Remus… I'm begging you! I have to do this, I know I messed up…. And I'm really sorry. But this is really important, please… I need to do this."

Remus gave him a worried look, "I don't know Harry…"

At that moment Sirius came in. He said nothing about the blood or the large mirror shard. He plopped down on Harry's other side and started cleaning the cuts. "I think we should let him Remus," He locked eyes with Harry "obviously it is important to him."

Harry nodded in thanks "And I know I screwed up, but it won't happen again. I just need to get this over with, then everything will be better."

Sirius and Remus gave each other worried looks, but said nothing. Obviously, this was very important to Harry, and they would do whatever they could to help him to get through it in one piece.

The next morning when Harry went into the bathroom to get ready for court the mirror had been repaired, and a protection spell had been placed on it. He sighed and hopped into the shower anyway, relishing the sting on his arms as the warm water hit his cuts.

Two hours later he was sitting in a small room in the court house. He was wearing one of Sirius's old suits. Remus start with him, silently trying to calm him. Sirius had stayed home of course.

After a few minutes of silence Tonks slipped in to see them. "Hey boys, how are we doing?"

Harry shrugged "I'll be better when this is over."

Tonks nodded sympathetically and smiled "well, they are ready for you now. So we are almost there. You will just go in to testify, and once you've been questioned by the defense and prosecution you can either come back here to wait for a verdict, or if the trial is going to take a few days then several aurours will escort you home."

Harry nodded nervously. Honestly, he hadn't heard a word she said. But he didn't have the energy to ask her to repeat it.

The court room was larger than he had expected. They hadn't allowed any reporters to come in, but somehow the room still seemed full. On one side of the room Harry saw Dumbledore, Poppy, and Severus. Mr. And Mrs. Weasley were sitting with them giving them encouraging smiles.

When Harry had decided to testify he had decided he had to tell Ron and Hermione. He didn't want them to find out in a newspaper if the story was leaked. They and both responded the way he expected. Hermione gasped and hugged him right, trying to hold back tears. Ron crossed his arms and looked uncomfortable. He mumbled about being sorry they hadn't gone to someone when they saw the bruises and stuff. Harry just shook his head "Ron, I hid it well... You knew I didn't want you to tell. And you are just teenagers, we aren't supposed to have to deal with this stuff." He came clean to them about everything, and afterword's he felt a lot better.

Of course Ron and Hermione weren't allowed in to the court room, but it was nice to see friendly faces anyway.

On the other side of the room were some less friendly faces. In the first row sat aunt Pentunia and Dudly. They both have him blank stares, but Dudly's broke into a slightly frightened look of admiration.

Just beyond them, craning his large head on his stout neck, sat Uncle Vernon. Shivers went down Harry's back as their eyes locked. He wanted to look away but he couldn't. His fat face twisted into a pleasant smile, his beady eyes filled with what most people would think was a parental concern. But Harry saw what lay behind that. He saw the hungry, malicious look. It made his heart stop.

At that moment, Remus stepped up in front of him, blocking his view. He quietly whispered "Don't let him get to you Harry. He can't hurt you anymore."

Harry gave him a grateful smile. Now they were at the stand and he was being sworn in. Once this was done Tonks and Remus had to leave him and go join his supporters in the crowd.

The defense questioned him first. They spent a lot of time asking about how the Dursleys had cared for him, taken him in when he was dropped on their door step, clothed him at their own expense. Eventually, after the lawyer said something about them being his parents when he had none, Harry got sick of it.

"Yes, they fed me with the scraps from their table. The food I had to cook for them starting at age seven. They housed me in a home I cleaned like a servant, to earn my keep. They clothed me in the over-sized hand me downs of their own son. I lived in rags and tatter, always having enough food to keep me alive but never full. I worked all day, and at night they found another way for me to "earn my keep". It takes more than keeping someone alive to be a parent."

The lawyer tried to make an objection, but the judge overruled. "You opened this line of questions sir." He said as he gave Harry a slightly proud look.

Things got a bit harder when the prosecution started questioning him. The woman questioning him was much nicer, but her questions were more difficult. They kept asking him if he needed a break, but he just wanted to get this over with.

"Harry, have you ever felt unsafe because of an adult?" The woman asked seriously.

Harry steeled himself, he knew she was on his side, but he felt like she was trying to trick him. "Yes" He answered, just as they had practiced the day before.

She nodded "Can you tell us who made you feel unsafe?"  
Harry took a deep breath, trying desperately to look anywhere but at him. "My uncle."

The Lawyer, Samantha, moved from his right to his left, so that he had a clear view of Vernon. "Is that uncle here today?"

Harry kept his eyes forward and nodded, then he remembered that he had to answer verbally. "Yes, the defendant, Vernon Dudley."

Samantha nodded and moved again, blessedly blocking his view of the large man. "And what did he do that made you feel unsafe Harry?" She asked, her voice full of concern.

Harry looked down at his hands, then, remembering Samantha's instructions, he looked up at the jury. "Over the fourteen years that I lived with my aunt and uncle, he screamed at me, threatened me, beat me, and raped me."

Samantha pressed her lips together. "Thank you Harry, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about. Is that why you never told anyone about the abuse?"

Harry nodded slowly "That was part of it, I felt a lot of shame about what was happening. But I was also scared, he threatened to kill me if I ever told. And, after years of being told that that is all you are good for, you start to believe it. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't think anyone could help."

Samantha nodded "That must have been very terrifying." she said sympathetically. "Harry, how often did this abuse occur?"

"I don't remember when the physical abuse started, it was just something that always happened. The sexual abuse started when I was four." He paused and took a deep breath. "the beatings and stuff happened all the time, but they got worse when he was drunk. The sexual abuse only happened when he was drinking. Probably once a week, sometimes more."

Samantha asked him a few more questions, then she thanked him and allowed him to step down. Harry could barely stand as he walked out of the court room, but Remus helped him stay upright. As soon as they were out Remus started to veer towards the floo. But Harry shook his head "I want to stay... I want to stay until we know."

Remus tried to protest "they probably won't even reach a verdict today Harry, they can tell us when they do. We can wait at home."

Harry gave him a kind of desperate look, but Tonks was on the other side of him, pushing him towards the floo. "I promise Harry, I will come get you for the verdict. There is nothing for you to do here but sit and worry."

 _That's all there is to do at home too,_ Harry thought glumly. But he let Remus guide him to the floo without further argument. Just as they stepped into the fire place, he caught a glimpse of the press standing outside the court house. There must have been twenty reporters waiting there, shouting questions...

As they stepped out into their own living room Harry turned to Remus. "Those reporters... How did they know... What do they know? Oh merlin they know everything! What have I done?"

Remus, recognizing that Harry was having a long overdue panic attack, led his ward to the couch, and summoned the anxiety medication that Lou had given them for this very purpose. After Harry had swallowed the pill they sat silently and waited for it to starting working.

In a few minutes Harry visibly relaxed. Sirius had joined them at some point, and smiled sadly at the two of them now. "So I'm guessing things didn't go to well today?" He said quietly.

Harry chuckled a bit "as well as to be expected..." He paused and glanced at Remus. "Those reporters... How much do they know?"

Remus bit his lip arm rocked back on his heels, moving from the door to sit next to Harry. "Technically, they only know that your uncle is being tried for crimes against a wizard... But they have speculated a lot worse."

Harry nodded, biting his lip. He could feel the panic, the betrayal, the anger, but the drugs that Remus had given him was still keeping them at bay. "So they know that he abused me? They know what he did?" He asked quietly.

Sirius shook his head "Not exactly Harry, they don't know any of the details of the trial. They have speculated that you were abused, but the details aren't more specific than that."

Harry gave a slight nod, but didn't say any more. Remus patted him on the back, the apologized when Harry flinched. "You must be exhausted, why don't you try and take a nap? Sleep off some of that Ativan."

Harry nodded and curled up onto the couch. Sirius switched the TV on to golden girls, and Remus brought him his favorite blanket, and his stuffed fox. Amazingly enough, he fell asleep before he got through the theme song.

An hour later he woke up in a cold sweat, screaming. Both his guardians were at his side in a moment, but he motioned for them to stay back. Reality was hard to hold on to sometimes... He could still feel his uncle's grubby hands him... He shook his head. "It's not real, it's not real, it's not real" he looked up and met Sirius's gaze "sorry..." He mumbled quietly.

Sirius shook his head "nothing to be sorry for kid."

It was a long night. Harry tried to convince Remus and Sirius to let him stay down stairs and watch tv, but Remus insisted that he would sleep better in his own bed. As Harry was getting ready he came in and offered him another Ativan. "I know it's been a long day, this might help you relax enough to sleep."

Harry considered it for a moment, then took the pill and popped it into his mouth after Remus smiled and left, he spit it out and held it in his hand, looking disgusted. Eventually he threw it in his dresser drawer and curled up in bed alone.

After the second nightmare he gave up trying to sleep. By four am he found himself sitting on the floor of his room with a blade in hand. It had taken a while to get it, and once he had, he had decided not to use it. But he had saved it in case he changed his mind.

He held it tightly in his hand, his face set in stone. Eventually he threw it across the room with all the force he could muster, letting it clatter satisfyingly against the wood floor as it landed under his bed. They would have seen the cuts anyway, he thought dejectedly.

He next morning no one commented about the bags under his eyes, and Remus didn't push him to finish his breakfast. He knew they were trying to be kind, but it annoyed him. He didn't need to be babied.

Once breakfast was over Harry curled up on the couch and watched golden girls again. Sirius morphed into his dog form and curled up next to him, laying his head on Harry's lap. Harry cherished moments like these, he couldn't stand human contact, but he craved it... And petting a dog seemed a perfect compromise.

At eleven thirty on the dot, the floo sparked, and Tonks stumbled into the room.

Harry nearly jumped out of his skin, he let out a shriek as he fell to the ground in surprise. This In turn surprised Tonk, who also screamed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm just jumpy, sorry..." Harry said as he stood and moved to make sure she was okay, he hated being scared like that. It's so stupid, why do I do that? He thought angrily.

Tonks laughed and nodded "it's okay, sorry I scared you, I didn't mean to!"

Harry shook his head "it's not your fault." he muttered.

By this time Remus had come to see what all the screaming was about. Tonks gave him a quick hug as she explained "they have a verdict, they are going to announce it at noon."

Harry glanced at the clock and paled, they had fifteen minutes. Remus locked eyes with him "you sure you want to be there?"

Harry nodded stiffly "I need to be there... I need to see it. Either way."

Remus gave an understanding nod "alright, run upstairs and get dressed, we don't have much time."


	8. Chapter 8

Breaking Point

Almost exactly fifteen minutes later Harry, Remus, and Tonks walked into the court room. Harry could barely stand because his legs were shaking so much. As they took their seats next to the Weasley's he made eye contact with Vernon. It sent shivers down his spine... Words the man had said over the years came flooding back. Suddenly the court room seemed very far away, and nothing was real, he wasn't really there. He tried to move, to touch the bench in front of him, how could it have looked so real a moment ago... But he couldn't move. He was frozen, and invisible.

Harry tried to speak, to say something to Remus... But he couldn't open his mouth. It didn't matter anyway; the judge was talking now. Harry could hear him, but his words sounded familiar away, fake.

Now the juror was speaking, and Remus hugged him. Then the judge said "Vernon Dursley, the wizarding people of Great Britain find you guilty of crimes against a wizard, and sexual and physical abuse of a child. You will be remanded to the muggle prison until your sentencing.

Everyone was celebrating, but Harry could only watch as two guards cuffed Uncle Vernon. The hunk of a man seemed to sense him watching, and swung around to face him, throwing off both his guards with ease.

"You think you've won, freak, but you can I will always know the truth! I didn't do anything you didn't want! You can lie to them and you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me!" Just then an onslaught of curses from around the room Vernon was on the floor and being hauled out of the room.

Harry's vision was going black. At some point he had ended up on the ground, curled into a ball, with his back against a wall. People were talking, it felt like they were shouting, at him. "No, please...Just be quiet!" He begged under his breath.

Eventually he heard Remus's voice breaking through. "Give him some space, please people, give us a moment!"

Now his face came into focus, he looked worried. "Harry, hey, Harry I am so sorry that happened. I know you are scared right now, but there are a lot of people here and we need to get you somewhere quiet okay?"

Harry nodded slightly, quiet sounded good.

Remus smiled at this "okay, Mr. Weasley and I are going to help you up, alright? Take it slowly"

Harry was practically lifted up, and quickly guided through what seemed like a huge sea of people... How were there so many people there now? After a few moments of wading through people they were in a quiet room, and Remus was letting go of him. "He needs some space." He was telling the Weasleys "just give us a few minutes okay?"

Now it was just Harry and Remus and the Tonks joined after a few minutes, but Harry was okay with that.

After what seemed like forever, and with an immense amount of effort, Harry spoke. "All those people, where did they come from?"

Tonks sighed "they were reporters mostly, once your uncle was removed from the court it became open to the public again. Unfortunately, they all rushed in before we had a moment to get you out of there... I am so sorry Harry, about everything."

Harry gave Tonks a weak smile, "it wasn't your fault Tonks... "

She smiled and squeezed his hand "I know, but I wish I could have stopped it."

Harry gave her a more genuine smile. He liked Tonks, she didn't make him feel bad for getting upset. And she seemed to understand his need for human contact, without invading his space.

He looked nervously at Remus. "So, all those reporters... What do they know?"

Remus sighed, he rubbed his forehead uncertainly. "We should talk about this later Harry..."

Tonks stepped in before Harry got the chance. "He deserves to know Rey." She said quietly. "The reporters will know what your uncle was charged with, technically the names of victims are not released, but people will know the nature of what he did..."

"And of course they'll figure out that it was to me..." Harry finished for her. "Thanks Tonks."

Remus sighed and pressed his lips together. "I'm sorry Harry, I wish we could have saved you from this. All of it. But you did it Harry, we won...He is going to be in jail for a very long time."

Harry nodded "I know..." He said quietly. "What now?"

Remus smiled and helped Harry to stand. Tonks showed them to a back room with floo in it so they could avoid the reporters.

After they had eaten lunch, which Harry hardly touched, he asked to go to Snape's. Snape didn't say much, and let Harry set to work on refilling some of Snape's stores.

Harry was thankful that Snape left him alone. Remus and Sirius had just followed him around the house looking at him like he might break.

As he worked through the potion he was making, his mind kept going back to the court room. _'He is gone... He is going to be in jail for a long time... And he won't be able to hurt anyone anymore...'_ no matter how many times he said it to himself, he didn't believe it. Even as he chopped ingredients and stirred potions, he couldn't convince himself that the world before him was reality.

As he was putting away the potions he had made his hand brushed against Snape's store of dreamless sleep potion. For a moment he froze. 'Snape wouldn't notice... I could just take a few... It would be nice to just, not exist for a little while...' Harry stood frozen for a long moment staring at the small vials in front of him. There were so many there, he could just take a few and Snape would never need to know. A dreamless sleep was too tempting to resist.

OOO

When Harry got back to Grimmauld place he disappeared up to his room. He was feeling guilty about taking the dreamless sleep, but he knew that if he told Remus or Sirius he would get in big trouble. he just shoved them into the back of his desk drawer hidden under some papers, and decided not to think about them.

OOO

That night for dinner Sirius made him his favorite meal; oven baked Mac and cheese. Harry flopped down into his chair without saying a word. Remus and Sirius ate in silence, watching Harry not even bother to pick up his fork and pretend to eat. Eventually Remus had enough. "Harry, I know that you are upset right now, but you still have to eat."

Harry rolled his eyes and shoved his plate away. "Please Remus, enlighten me on why I have to eat? Am I going to die if I skip one meal?"

Sirius glanced and Remus and shook his head. "Harry, we are just trying to help you... You've been doing so well... I just don't want you to backslide."

Harry shoved back from the table and stood "Right, because God forbid I have a rough day! I had better be careful, I might slide all the way back to that freaking closet under the stairs!" With that he flipped his plate and storms out of the room.

It was Sirius who followed him upstairs a few minutes later and knocked softly on the door. "Hey kid, can I come in?" He asked quietly.

That was one thing that Harry was always thankful for with Sirius, he always asked... Even when Harry knew he didn't really have a choice, he appreciated that Sirius would ask. "It's your house..." He mumbled quietly. He had known that one of them would follow him upstairs, so he hadn't been stupid enough to reach for his blade. He was sitting on the floor, slumped against his bed, with his forehead resting on his knees.

Sirius sighed and sauntered into the room. "Harry, you live here, this is your home too." He flopped down next to his godson. "That was pretty rough, wasn't it?"

Harry sighed, and rolled his head to one side to peek at Sirius "I've had worse meals..."

Sirius gave him a sad sort of smile, "talk to me kid, what's going on in that stubborn little head of yours?"

Harry let out a laugh and turned his face back into his knees. "I'm okay, Sirius... I just need some sleep."

Sirius sighed "come on Harry, I know it's hard...But you've got to keep talking to us."

Harry sighed and lifted his head, Sirius was never going to leave him alone if he didn't at least pretend he was okay. "I'm sorry Sirius, I know I need to keep talking, and I will. Today has just been hard. I'll apologize to Remus in the morning... I'm exhausted, I think I just need to sleep."

Sirius gave him a searching look, "okay, but promise me you'll come wake me up if you need someone, okay?"

Harry forced a smile and nodded "promise" he said quietly.

Once Sirius had left, Harry climbed up onto his bed and pulled his covers tight around him. He didn't even bother to change clothes, he just begged for sleep to take him.

OOO

Remus was at the sink, elbow deep in soapy water when Sirius came back down.

"I think he's okay... He wanted to go to bed." Sirius said as he grabbed a dish towel and started to tackle the pile of clean dishes.

Remus paused in his scrubbing and gave him a worried glance. "You left him up there alone? Do you think leaving him alone when he is this upset is really a good idea?"

Sirius bit his lip and shrugged "I don't know, but we can't always be there when he is upset, he is going to need to learn how to deal with his emotions on his own. Anyway, we had a good talk, and he promised to come get one of us if he needed us."

Remus shook his head, but said no more. He couldn't help but think of the many times Sirius had promised to come talk to him if he needed to. All too often it had been Remus who sought out Sirius, and found him bleeding on the floor somewhere, before they talked.

"He looked exhausted Remus," Sirius added, trying to reassure his friend. "He just wanted to sleep... I know he isn't in a great place right now, but I think he really does want to get through this without relapsing."

Harry woke from his nightmare soaked in sweat and frozen in the fetal position. A scream was caught in his throat, threatening to choke him, and refusing to come out. It seemed like an eternity that he lay there in terror, unable to move.

Uncle Vernon's words played over and over again in his mind, his fat pudgy face lunging at Harry, the sickening feeling in his gut when it happened. 'I didn't do anything you didn't want! You can lie to them and you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me!'

Finally, he found the strength to sit up. His clock read midnight. He had only slept for an hour and a half. Harry stood and started pacing.

 _'I can't do this...'_ he thought to himself frantically. _'it's never going to end... I'm never going to sleep again... and I just want to sleep... I'm so tired...'_ He found himself in front of his desk, and without thinking opened the drawer that had his knife. But as he reached for it his hand bumped one of the vials of dreamless sleep.

For a single moment, the rational part of Harry's brain sparked. _'take some dreamless sleep, get some rest, things will be better in the morning._ ' and for a moment, Harry almost listened.

But the sickening voice that plagued his thoughts was still there. _'It won't look better, because it won't be better. It can never get better. You are damaged goods, and everyone knows it now. But eventually they will forget, you never will. You will wake up to the same nightmares every night. You will feel his hands on you every time you are touched, you will flinch as if he could hit you even when he is dead. You can never forget this. Every time you close your eyes it will be there. One night of dreamless sleep won't fix a thing, because you'll still wake up in the morning.'_

Harry tried to tell the voice to go to hell, but he knew it was right. _'unless I didn't wake up...'_ he whispered to himself, as he pulled the other three vials out of the desk.

For a moment, he asked himself if he was really doing this... He certainly had enough dreamless sleep, three vials was over a weeks worth of doses. He stared at them, sprawled out on his bed like hidden treasure. If he was going to do this, he needed to write a note.

He had heard of people writing notes, last words before they took themselves out of the equation. But he really only had one thing to say. He grabbed his notebook from the top of his dresser, and quickly cast the spell so that anyone else could read it.

He wouldn't write 'I'm sorry' because he wasn't. instead he wrote "Remus, Sirius, this wasn't your fault... Somethings are too hard to live with." Once he was done he placed it back on the desk, and after a moment of hesitation grabbed his knife. If he was going to die, he might as well cut...

Downing the vials was easy, and once they were gone and shattered on the floor, he took the blade to his skin. He didn't feel the first few strokes, so he dug deeper. Once he felt the blood rushing against his skin, and dripping onto his sheets, he laid back and waited for the darkness.

It wasn't until the spots started to cloud his vision that the panic set in. Uncle Vernon's face was leering at him and whispering horrible words, and suddenly Harry was terrified. Sirius was going to find his body, he was going to see him covered in blood... he always came to check on him in the middle of the night. He would scream for Remus as he tried to save him... Remus would smell the blood before he got to the room. He would have to pull Sirius off of him, hug him and tell him it was okay... but it never would be.

They would have to leave the house, and there was nowhere else safe for Sirius. The Weasley's would be devastated... Ron... Ron, and Hermione, and Ginny... oh Merlin, what would they do?

And then Harry thought about his cousin, and his aunt, and finally, his uncle. Uncle Vernon would be happy at the news. He would have won. That was enough to get Harry scared. His vision was almost completely black now, but he forced his eyes opened. He need to get up, to get Sirius... he needed help.


	9. Chapter 9

Fear

Sirius had barely fallen asleep when there was an ominous thump against his door that sounded dangerously like a body. He stood quickly and practically ran to the door. As it opened Harry's limp body fell against him.

"Shit kid, what have you done" He muttered in shock, but then he saw the blood, covering Harry's clothes, pooling on the floor, more blood than should come out of a living person. And then he started to panic. "REMUS!" He yelled frantically as he slid to the floor and tried to find the source of the bleeding "REMUS NOW! HARRY..." He was at a loss for words.

Thankfully Remus woke quickly, and sensing the panic in his friends voice he ran towards them. "Oh Merlin, what did he do?" He gasped as the came into view at the end of the hallway. As soon as he reached them he scooped Harry up from the floor. "I'll apparate to the hospital."

Sirius reached for his wand. "I'm coming too!"

Remus gave him a desperate look "You can't Sir, if they saw you…" He didn't finish his sentence as he popped out of the hallway carrying their bleeding teenage ward. He just prayed that Sirius would listen to him.

He popped into St. Mungo's Emergency room, directly in front of the receptionist desk. The poor clerk jumped up as he appeared, eyes wide with shock. It was after all, after 1am. But in a moment the young wizard composed himself and quickly called for help, flipping some unseen switch to bring a flood of doctors and nurses in.

A stretcher appeared, and Harry was pulled from Remus's arms. People were holding his wrists to stop the bleeding, trying desperately to get IVs, someone was cutting off his shirt and starting CPR.

A young female doctor locked eyes with him as she worked. "What did he take?" She yelled across the sea of people in between barking orders.

Remus just shook his head, now that Harry wasn't in his arms, the severity of his situation was hitting him. The doctor said something to a nurse, and then the disappeared, pushing Harry through a set of thick double doors. Remus tried to follow, but the nurse the doctor had spoken to stopped him.

"Sir, they are doing everything they can. But you need to wait out here."

Remus just stared at her, taking entirely too long to process what she had said.

"Can you tell me your son's name?" She asked calmingly, as she led Remus to a chair.

Remus shook his head "He's not my son… he's my… my… I'm his guardian." After a moment Remus realized how little that mattered. "Harry, Harry Potter."

She smiled encouragingly "Okay, and what is your name?"

"Remus Lupin."

"Okay Remus, I need your help alright? They are doing everything they can to help Harry right now, but it would be a lot easier if we knew what he had taken. Is there any way you could find out, or any guesses you have?"

Remus stood, moving almost mechanically "I'll go back to the house and see if I can find out." He said as he apparated away.

The house was eerily silent, Remus moved quickly to Harry's room, but once he was there he was stopped in his tracks. Sirius was sitting on Harry's bed, tears streaming down his face.

"Hey… Sirius…. It's okay…" Remus said quickly "I got him to the hospital… they are working on him now… He's going to get through this.

Sirius looked away without responding, and held out the notepad he had been holding. Written in hastily scribbled ink, in handwriting every teacher at Hogwarts could identify, was the most heart-breaking note Remus had ever seen.

 _"Remus, Sirius, this wasn't your fault... Somethings are too hard to live with."_

Remus clutched the journal tightly, but pushed the hurt and grief from his mind. They hadn't lost Harry yet, it wasn't time to be sad. "I need to know what he took." He said firmly, locking eyes with his distraught friend. "The hospital said they will be able to help him more if they know what he took."

Sirius seemed to connect with this, and his face cleared a bit. Together they started to look around the room. It didn't take long to find the shattered vials, but finding a piece with a label on it was more difficult. Within a few minutes they had their answer, and Remus apparated back to the hospital.

The clerk nodded to him, and must have called for the nurse he had been talking to, because she appeared soon after.

"It was dreamless sleep, probably three or four vials… he broke them so we can't be sure."

She nodded and disappeared to relay the information, promising to come update him as soon as there was news.

And then Remus was left alone, in an almost deserted waiting room. Once he sat down he noticed a few other huddled groups of people, staring at him with terrible fear and curiosity. It was then that he realized how he must look, how this scene must have looked for them. He was covered in Harry's blood, wearing his pajamas, and shoeless. It occurred to him that he should go home and change, but he couldn't bear to leave again.

After a few minutes of sitting silently, he realized that he was still holding Harry's journal. He flipped open to the page of the suicide note again, now smeared in blood. For a long moment he just stared at it, then he started to flip through the journal. He had just started to read another entry when a hand snatched it away.

"Harry would never forgive you." Snape said as he pocketed the book and held out a small bag to Remus.

"Severus… how… what…" Remus couldn't seem to string two words together.

Severus scowled and rolled his eyes. "The mutt woke me up, said he didn't want you to be alone… he asked me to bring you some clothes too, I see now why."

Remus slowly took the sack from him and stared at it. Sure enough, inside was a pair of jeans, a tee shirt, and one of Remus's favorite sweatshirts. There was also a pair of shoes, and a few books.

Severus put his arm on Remus's shoulder, doing his best to sound sincere. "Are you alright?" He asked quietly.

Remus sighed, he couldn't think about that right now. All that mattered now was Harry. "I'm fine… I'm just worried about Harry. Thank you for the clothes Sev, this is great…. But you don't need to stay, I'm sure it's going to be a long night." He smiled and started to walk toward the closest bathroom. "Thank you for the clothes."

But when he came back out, with his soiled clothes in the sack, Severus was still sitting there.

"Severus, go home… if you really want to sit up with someone, you should go sit with Sirius, I'm sure he is a wreck right now." Remus cringed at the thought of the many destructive things that Sirius might be doing just now."

Severus laughed and shook his head "The mutt is with the gingers, he'll be fine. Waiting alone in the hospital is awful, I'm not leaving you here." Severus rolled his eyes at Remus's shocked face "I do actually know how to be a good friend you know, I just reserve it for people who are worth it."

Remus smiled "Wow, thanks Severus, I didn't realize you considered me a.."

"I was talking about Harry you idiot." Severus snapped.

OOO

It seemed like hours before the nurse came out to find them. And when she did, she looked exhausted. Remus had been almost asleep in one of the waiting room chairs, but the moment he saw her he leapt up.

"He's alive!" She said quickly.

Relief flooded over Remus, but then a million other questions plagued him.

"We had to give him several units of blood, and he is still in critical condition… He will be at least until all of the drugs he took work their way out of his system. But he is going to be okay."

Remus nearly fell over a relief flooded through him. "Can I see him?"

The nurse smiled and nodded "Only you though, he is in the ICU so only family members can visit, and only one at a time." She said, giving a pointed look at Severus standing behind Remus.

Severus laughed "That's okay, I'm just a friend. Remus you go, I'll go update everyone."

When the nurse opened the door and led Remus in he felt his stomach drop. Harry seemed to have tubes coming out from everywhere.

The nurse, who's name Remus had finally remembered, Jackie, gave him an encouraging nod. She gestured to the mask on Harry's face. "This is to help him breathe, it's just giving him some extra oxygen. And these wires are monitoring Harry's heart function. His heart is okay, but it stopped for a moment when you first brought him in." She motioned to the other tubes and wires and explained each of them to Remus. When she was done she motioned to the chair and offered to bring him a cup of coffee. "Don't say no, you've been up all night. You need some caffeine. And the doc will be by to talk to you soon."

Remus smiled gratefully "thank you Jackie, really... Thank you" he said quietly as he watched Harry take a shallow breath.

The Doctor came by about ten minutes after Jackie came back with his cup of coffee. "Mr. Lupin, I'm doctor Amada." The young, attractive woman said as she entered the room and held out her hand.

Remus stood slowly, feeling stiff from the long night, and quickly shook her hand. "Call me Remus, and thank you so much for taking care of Harry."

The young woman smiled "you are very welcome, you must be exhausted, why don't we sit?"

Remus nodded gratefully and they took their seats.

"Remus, has Harry ever tried to harm himself before?"

Remus sighed "I don't if he has ever attempted suicide before... I only became Harry's guardian at the beginning of the summer. But he has a history of self-harming."

Dr. Amada made a note on her note pad and nodded "I saw something in the news about him being removed from his relative's home... But I wasn't sure it was true."

Remus took a long sip of his coffee and gave his unconscious ward a sad glance. "Yes, he was removed two weeks into the summer holiday. It wasn't long after that when we realized the extent of the abuse he had endured while living there. He was in pretty bad shape when we got him... He was self-harming, he wasn't eating, and he wouldn't talk to anyone. But things were going better recently... He was seeing a therapist, and he hasn't self-harmed in a while... That I know of. He was gaining weight, and he just seemed happier." Remus shook his head sadly.

"it isn't uncommon for something like this to happen after a person has started to feel better. After the initial healing has worn off, and the patient is still facing the same issues, it can trigger dangerous thoughts... Do you have any idea what might have pushed Harry to do this?"

Remus nodded sadly. "He testified in his uncle's trial yesterday. We won, and I thought that would help... But it just seemed to make things worse."

Dr. Amada lightly touched Remus's arm. "Blaming yourself won't help Harry. Now that it has happened we have to deal with it. Right now, Harry is stable; I want to keep him under observation for the next 12 to 24 hours at least. I expect he will start waking up in the next few hours, but it might take a little while before he can stay awake for more than a few minutes. When he does wake up we need to keep him calm. Depending on how the day goes, either today or tomorrow psych will consult with him, and then once he is medically cleared he will be transferred to the mental health unit. They will talk with you once the evaluate him, but I would expect him to be on the unit for a minimum of three days, possibly a full week. We can contact his therapist for you if you would like, to update them on his condition. If you give permission they could also give the pysch consult some helpful background information, and be involved when they start discharge planning."

Remus just stared at her for a minute, it was so much information. But after a moment he sorted through to what he needed to respond to. "Thank you, yes... Yes you can talk to her, I'll write down her information."

OOO

Harry's eyes flickered open, his eye lids seemed too heavy, there was something on his face, he needed to get it off, but he couldn't move.

"Harry, it's okay Harry"

The voice seemed far away, but Harry recognized it.

"You're in the hospital Harry, you're going to be okay."

A cold feeling of terror filled Harry's chest, and he was sure that if he didn't get whatever was covering his face off, he would suffocate. In a panic he finally managed to force his arms to move. He frantically reached for his face, but found someone grabbing at his arms.

"Harry, you need to stay still. Everything is okay!"

Harry ripped his arms away from Remus, his eyes fluttering opened and closed. Once his hands were free he attacked his face, ripping off what ever had been trapping him.

Now he could see Remus a little more clearly, and the room was coming in to focus. He was in a bed... A hospital bed... And there were wires and tubes all over him. He was just starting to rip at the wires on his chest when nurses and doctors flooded the room. Someone was grabbing his arms, and someone else shot something into his IV.

A moment later Harry started to feel better, he still struggled against the people holding him down, but it was like the fight had be pulled out of him. The knot in his chest was unwinding a bit.

One of the doctors, a woman standing right by his head, locked eyes with him. "Harry, you are in the hospital... You almost died last night, but we saved you. We will let go of you, but you need to leave the wires and tubes alone okay? They are keeping you safe."

Harry struggled against her angrily, his limbs were starting to feel heavy though, and he knew there was no point. "Not the thing on my face" he argued stubbornly.

The doctor looked at him, and then glanced at the nurse on the other side of him. "Okay, why don't we try a nasal cannula instead of the mask, it would just go in your nose... Is that better?"

Harry starred at her for a second, then nodded. He was too tired to care anyway. What every they had given him was finally working, and he actually felt calm. But once the room started to clear, and he could see Remus again, the knot in his chest started to build back up. He looked so tired, so worried.

The nurse came back a moment later with a new tube, and showed Harry how to put it his nose. He was thankful she let him put it on himself.

"My name is Anne" she said quietly as she hooked the other end of the tubing to the wall and messed with the dials. " I am going to be your nurse for the day. Now I need you to keep that tube in your nose okay, it is giving you oxygen and helping your body to heal. Those wires are telling us what your heart is doing." She moved the screen so that he could see the squiggly lines on it. "It is important for us to be able to see this, because you've lost a lot of blood, and sometimes that can cause irregular rhythms. So far you've been okay though." Now she was moving around his bed and fixing his blanket. It had gotten twisted when he was struggling. "You've also got bandages on both your wrists. The cuts were pretty deep and you had to have stitches. So you need to try not to move them too much, okay?"

Harry glanced down at his wrists, noticing the pristine white bandages, with bits of red peeking through now, for the first time. As if on cue as he looked at them they started to throb.

Anne had finished with the blanket and was picking up some of the trash that Remus had left. "Are you having any pain?"

Harry froze for a moment, then nodded slightly. He hated being asked questions like that.

Anne promised to bring him something to help with the pain, and then she left him and Remus alone.

Harry was exhausted, after fighting, and the drugs, he hardly had it in him to keep his eyes open, let alone speak. But he knew that Remus deserved a few words before he slipped away.

"I'm sorry..." He said quietly.

Remus gave him a sad smile, and came to stand by his bed. "Harry," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "Do you have any idea how proud I am of you, for coming and waking Sirius up?"

Harry just stared at him blankly.

But Remus had been thinking about what he was going to say to the teen for a long time, and he wasn't done. "I was so scared, when I brought you here... We almost lost you, and I couldn't stand that. But if you hadn't had the courage to ask for help then we would have lost you for sure. Don't get me wrong, you've made some pretty foolish choices recently... And if you ever scare me like that again I will kill you myself." He said with a small laugh "but it takes a lot of courage to ask for help when you've screwed up... It takes a lot of strength... And we are going to help you Harry... It is going to get better."

Harry was at a loss for words. This was the last thing he had expected Remus to say. He wasn't proud of himself. In fact, he was so ashamed he wished he had actually managed to kill himself. He wanted nothing more than to curl up into a hole and disappear.

Just then Anne came in with his pain medicine. And Harry couldn't fight sleep anymore. He knew he would have to say something to Remus eventually, but for now he could sleep.

OOO

The next time Harry woke up he was a bit calmer. The nurse came in the check his vital signs and scared the crap out of him, but once he calmed down he was okay.

Once she was gone Harry dared to look over at Remus. He looked exhausted, and worried. But the moment that he looked over Remus cleared his face and put on a smile. "Harry, how are you feeling?"

Harry took a deep breath, Remus wasn't mad at him... He wanted to talk to him. "I don't know really... I'm tired..."

Remus nodded and chuckled "yeah, I know how you feel."

Guilt filled up in Harry's chest "I'm sorry, have you slept at all?"

Remus sighed and rubbed his hand along his forehead. "Don't worry about me Harry, I'll be fine."

Harry sighed, but he didn't fight it. He was too tired to, and he knew he wasn't really in a position to tell anyone what to do. "Where is Sirius?" he asked quietly. "I mean I know he can't be here, but he isn't alone, is he?"

Remus gave him a genuine smile for the first time since Harry had woken up. It was one of those smiles that almost hurt with sympathy, but it was still a smile. "Sirius is fine Harry, you need to stop worry about everyone else and focus on getting better."

"He's not alone?" Harry persisted.

"No," Remus relented, shaking his head "He is with the Weasley's right now."

Harry chewed his lip for a moment, then dared to ask "So who knows?"

Remus stood and ran a hand through his tangled hair. "Umm, well Snape knows, he actually stayed with me until they let me come back here, he cares for you a lot Harry."

Harry blushed, that was just what he needed, another person caring about him.

"But I don't know what they've told the Weasley's. I would assume Molly and Arthur know, I can go floo them and find out if you want?"

Harry shook his head, Remus looked exhausted, and it was his fault. He wasn't going to ask him to do anything else. "Is Sirius mad at me?" he hadn't meant to say it, but it slipped out anyway.

Remus paused in his pacing and sighed. After a moment he pulled his chair closer to Harry's bed and sat down. "Sirius loves you Harry, we both do... I think he is upset right now. You really scared us, the idea that you wanted to end things that badly... that you might have been taken from us like that... that you wanted to leave us... that hurts. But we love you Harry, and we understand that you are really hurting right now. We just want to help you, but you have to let us. "

Harry bit his lip and looked away from Remus. He hadn't exactly said 'no, we aren't mad at you'. But Harry didn't blame them, he had done a horrible thing... a stupid thing... and even as he sat here feeling guilty for it, he wanted to try again... He kept thinking about different ways he could try again, looking for things to help him, and opportunities to try. He hated himself for it.

Before Harry could respond his nurse came in with some medications for him. As she set down the tray of meds she turned to Remus "Someone is outside waiting to speak to you." She said with a smile.

Remus glanced at Harry uncertainly.

Anne smiled "I'll be in here for a little while anyway. We have to give you some blood and I have to stay with you for the first fifteen minutes while it starts running.

Remus smiled gratefully. "Okay, thank you Anne." Remus stood and started to leave "I'll be back soon Harry, please behave."

Harry rolled his eyes and tried to resist the urge to stick his tongue out.

Once Remus was gone Harry watched Anne organizing the several IV bags that she had on her tray and work with the many tubes that seemed to be coming out of Harry.

Anne gave Harry a sympathetic smile as she worked "I know this is frustrating, but he is trying to help."

Harry shifted his weight and pulled his legs up into Indian style. "I don't like help." He muttered darkly.

Anne sighed as she handed him a cup with a few pills and a cup of water. "How have you been feeling since you woke up?"

Harry shrugged "Mostly tired, my wrists hurt a bit but I'm okay."

Anne shook her head "No, I mean emotionally... A crisis like this can be really hard, it's helpful to talk about what happened and how you're feeling."

Harry scowled and looked away "I'm fine."

Anne crossed her arm and gave him a look. "Are you still having thoughts of hurting yourself?"

Harry said nothing and refused to meet her eyes.

Anne sighed "Alright Harry, I have to go see to my other patients. But I'm here if you want to talk."

Harry kept his eyes on the window until she had left. In fact, he didn't bother to look up until he heard another voice at his door.

"That wasn't exactly how I wanted you to use that journal."

Harry let a small smile play across his lips. "Lou..." He said warmly. "How did you even know?"

Lou walked in and took the seat next to his bed. "Harry, they always call me when one of my patients is hospitalized."

Harry chewed his lip for a moment "Oh right..." he said awkwardly.

Lou gave him a sympathetic smile "Harry... we talked last week... You and I have talked about asking for help before, reaching out when you are in a dangerous place. What happened?"

Harry balled his fists and tried to look anywhere but at Lou. "I don't want to talk about this Lou." He said quietly.

Lou sighed and stood, pacing around the room. "Well Harry, you're going to have to talk about it. You don't have to talk to me, not right now at least. But you are going to have to talk to people about this, so you might as well get over it."

Harry balked at this "Why?" He asked sharply "I messed up, I get that... but I'm not going to let it happen again. I don't see why we have to talk about it. I just want to move on."

Lou sighed and shook her head "Harry, I have to go, I just came to make sure you were alright, and I don't want to get you worked up. But can I give you some advice? over the next few days you are going to be in a lot of situations that make you uncomfortable and you won't like. But if you give the people helping you a chance, you might actually get something out of it. I know you struggle to open up and let people help you, but you have a chance here to make a real breakthrough, and I think you should at least try."

OOO

A few hours later Snape stopped by with a fresh bag of clothes for Harry, and his stuffed fox. Harry blushed as he took the animal, hugging it to his chest gratefully. "Remus, why don't you go get some lunch, I want to have a word with Harry."

Remus stood "Thank you Severus" He said gratefully. "Harry, behave while I'm gone"

Harry just rolled his eyes and ignored him. After he was gone He gave a cautious glance at Snape. "Thank you for bringing my fox..." He said quietly.

Snape nodded "The bag is actually from Sirius, he wanted you to have it."

Harry nodded quietly "Oh".

Snape paced for a few more minutes before he spoke again. Harry could tell he was angry, and didn't dare to start the conversation.

We had a deal Harry... at the beginning of the summer... when you first came to help me in my lab you and I made a deal. Do you remember that deal?"

Harry nodded quietly, trying to choke back the tears that seemed to be pressing against his eyes.

Snape continued to pace "Tell me what our deal was?"

Harry swallowed, wishing he was anywhere else. "I could come help you, as long as I stayed clean. And if I relapsed... I had to tell you."

Snape paused and looked directly at Harry "Had you relapsed when you came to my lab the other day?"

Harry bit his lip so hard it almost bled. "Yes" he said in a barely audible voice.

Snape took a deep breath "And the potions... did you take them from my stores?"

Harry nodded slightly, he couldn't bear to speak.

Snape sank down into the chair and put his head in his hands. "Harry... Oh Harry, I'm trying really hard not to be mad at you. I know you were hurting, and you didn't see another way out. But you put me in a horrible position... I trusted you and you betrayed that trust."

Harry pulled his knees up to his chest and looked away from Snape. "I know" he said quietly. "And I'm never going to let it happen again."

Snape sighed "Harry, I'm not mad that you were suicidal, I'm mad that you didn't come to me, or Remus, or Sirius, or one of the many people who care about you. We want to help you Harry, but we can't do anything if you won't let us in."

They sat in silence until Remus returned. When he did Severus stood and gave Harry a curt nod. "Please try to get better, there are a lot of people out there who would miss you very much if anything were to happen to you. The road back from something like this is hard, but it is worth it Harry, and you can heal."

A few minutes after Severus left, a young woman in black slacks and a a grey blazer over a faded band tee shirt knocked on the door. "Hi, I'm Dr. Anya Taylor from the psychiatric unit, I'm here to do your admissions assessment."

Harry glared at Her but Remus was standing and welcoming her in. "Hello, thank you for coming. The doctor told me to expect you."

"I'm already in the hospital." Harry frowned.

Dr. Taylor smiled as she walked over to Harry's bed. "Yes, you are. But the psychiatric until is separate from the rest of the hospital. It isn't a medical floor, so you have to be medically cleared and discharged from the ICU, then you will be admitted to the psychiatric unit."

Harry crossed his arms and gave Remus and angry, panicked look. "I'm not going to a psych ward, I'm not crazy!" Even as Harry said it, he could hear the ridiculousness of it, but he didn't care.

Remus sighed "Harry, no one is saying you are crazy, but you tried to kill yourself last night! You need help, and as the adult in your life it's my job to make sure you stay safe."

Harry pulled himself into a ball and tried to get out of the bed, wires ripping off him as he moved. "I made a mistake, I know that! But that doesn't take I need to be committed! I'm not going to let it happen again!"

Dr. Taylor was at his side now, blocking him from getting out of bed. "Harry," she said calmly "I understand that you are feeling trapped right now, but if you get out of bed, if you keep ripping off those wires, you could do more damage to yourself. Why don't we all just take a minute to breathe. Remus and I will give you some space if you promise to stay in bed and not mess with any of the wires."

Harry wanted to argue with her, but he knew she was right. He nodded slightly "okay..."

Dr. Taylor and Remus both moved back, until they were standing on the opposite wall of the room. They didn't move or make a sound until Harry spoke again. "I don't have a choice, do I? You're going to make me go no matter what..." He finally said, holding back tears.

Dr. Taylor nodded quietly. "Harry, we are worried about you, about your ability to keep yourself safe right now. And so we are going to help you stay safe until you are feeling better. But you will start feeling better, I promise." She motioned for Remus to move to comfort Harry while she pulled from chairs over to Harry's bed. "Why don't we talk about what is going to happen over the next few days. I will give you as much information as I can so that you please know what to expect. And then you can ask any questions you might have. Afterword's I'd like to talk to each of you alone for a bit, if that's okay with you Harry."

Harry gave a slight nod, he was suddenly very tired, and very nervous about what the next few days would hold.

Dr. Taylor, Anya she told them to call her, gave them a rundown of st mungos psychiatric program. Harry would be there for a minimum of three days, but many kids stayed more than a week. He would have a roommate, and would spend most of his days in group or individual therapy. Closer to his discharge they would have team meetings that Remus would come to, and Harry would be invited to participate in some of the meetings too. The unit had a lot of rules, and Harry would get oriented to the floor when they admitted him. They were allowed to get letters from their parents or guardians for the first three days, and then they could also have friends write to them as long as their parents were okay with it. A lot of their program focused on teaching the patients to ask for help when they needed it, and how to communicate better with their families and doctors. They also had visiting hours, but only for one hour in the afternoon, and only for family members.

They had talked about the plan, Anya asked Remus to excuse them so that she could talk to Harry alone for a few minutes. This was what Harry had been dreading.

Anya smiled at him warmly as she adjusted her chair to better face him. "I know you are nervous about talking with me Harry, and upset about being in the hospital. But I really do want to help you, and I can only help you if I understand what brought you here."

Harry crossed his arms and bit his lip. He hated talking to people like this. She wanted him to do something he just couldn't. They were always telling him he needed to open up more. And while he understood what they meant in a broader sense, he didn't know how to do it, he just didn't know what to say.

Anya seemed to understand this though, and so she started asking questions. "Harry, can you tell me what brought you to the hospital?"

Harry rolled his eyes "You know what" he muttered angrily.

Anya shook her head "I know that you were brought in last night due to a drug overdose and blood lose from cuts to both your wrists. I want you to help me understand how that happened."

Harry chewed his lip and squirmed a bit. "Why does it matter? I'm not going to let it happen again!"

Anya sighed "Harry, if you had come into the hospital with an infection, or an injury due to an accident, we would talk about how it happened, what led up to d how to prevent it. I just want to do the same here. You are not in trouble, I am not blaming you for what happened, but if you really want to prevent this from happening again, we need to talk about what happened, and what we could do differently next time to keep from getting here again."

Harry glared at the wall for a moment, thinking about what she was saying. _She is right... I have to at least try..._ He thought tiredly. _But it's not like they can actually help._ Finally, Harry relented that he was never going to get out of the hospital if he didn't play there game. "Fine, what do you want to know?"

Anya nodded in thanks "I want you to tell me about what happened last night, help me understand how we got here."

Harry took a deep breath and started his tale. He wasn't sure how much he should say, but he didn't really have the energy to lie, and he had a feeling she would have called him on it anyway.

"Two days ago I testified at my uncle's hearing... He... he is a bad person, and it was the first time I had seen him since I went to live with Remus at the beginning of the summer. I was really scared to testify, but I wanted to do it. It was horrible... I thought things would get better once the trial was over, the next day, but it just got worse. After he was found guilty he broke free from the guards and started yelling and saying awful things. I don't really remember it, but it was horrible. Remus and Tonks had to practically drag me out of the room.'

"The day before while I was at the lab helping Snape, one of the professors at Hogwarts who has been letting me help him over the summer, I was putting away some vials and I noticed the dreamless sleep. I wasn't planning to do anything exactly, but I couldn't stop thinking about it... so I took a few of the vials home with me. Anyway, the night after the ruling was awful. I couldn't sleep, I was having nightmares... and so I was going to take some of the potion... but then I thought about how I would still wake up, and I didn't want to... so I took it all. After that I cut, because if I was going to die I might as well. Then once I started to black out I panicked and somehow managed to get to ... Remus's... room and wake him up. After that I woke up here."

Anya gave him a sad smile. "Thank you for sharing that with me Harry, I know it couldn't have been easy." After a moment she added "Before two days ago, and the trial, had you ever thought about hurting yourself before?"

Harry shrugged, the words coming a bit easier now. "I mean, I cut for years, until this summer when Remus found out nobody had ever cared... But you mean had I thought about killing myself?" Harry hesitated to answer, worried that it might get him in more trouble. "Not really, there were times... when the abuse was really bad, that I wished I was dead... but I never thought about killing myself, I didn't want to die."

Harry could tell by the look on Anya's face that she didn't believe him, but she didn't press. "What about since you've woken up? It's not uncommon for people to still have suicidal thoughts after a failed attempt... in fact, it's rare not to. Even people who want to live can struggle with thoughts of suicide."

Harry shrugged as casually as he could, but his voice shook when he spoke. "I made a mistake, and I know that... the moment I started to black out I regretted it."

"That isn't the same as not having suicidal thoughts Harry," Anya said carefully.

Harry clenched his fists "What does it matter? I'm not going to try again." He said forcefully.

Anya sighed and shook her head. "Harry, it matters. You matter. Having thoughts of suicide can be very distressing, and we want to help you. You aren't going to get anywhere by lying to us, or yourself."

Harry snapped, banging his fists into the mattress as he spoke. "FINE! I think about it, I wish I had died! Are you happy? I look at Remus's face, at how tired he is, how worried he is, and I still wish I had had the guts to lie there and let myself die!" Harry practically spat the words, and he hated himself for saying them "I'm selfish, Uncle Vernon was right, I don't deserve good parents." He said as he bit back tears.

For a long moment, Anya was silent. And when she spoke it was in a calm, soft voice. "Harry, I am so sorry you are feeling this way, it must be terribly frightening. But I promise you, we are going to do everything we can to keep you safe. And you are not always going to feel this way. And Harry, your uncle was wrong, about so many things. Children do not have to earn good parents, parenting is not hinged on the child's behavior. A good parent loves their child unconditionally, and does everything they can to help them, not to hurt them. Remus cares for you immensely, and while he may be upset about what happened, it's because he is worried about your wellbeing, not because he is angry with you."

Harry took a shaky breath, and after a moment of eye contact, he looked away and folded his arms around himself. "Are we done yet?" He asked in a horribly small voice. "I'm tired."

Anya nodded and started to gather her things. "Yes Harry, we can be done for now. Thank you very much for being honest with me, you were very brave." She quietly gathered her things and walked out the door, pausing just outside the room until an aide could come in to sit with Harry while she spoke with Remus.

Harry curled himself into a ball around his stuffed fox and ignored the aide, pressing his eyes shut tight to keep the tears from spilling out.


	10. Chapter 10

The Nut House

Anya found Remus in the small cafe room on the ICU floor, stewing over a cup of coffee. "I just finished with Harry, an aide is going to sit with him while we talk." She said with a smile. They each refilled their coffee cups, and then Anya led the way to a small conference room on the floor.

"Alright, now I was briefed on Harry's case before I came to see you two, but I'd like to chat with you and see if I can fill in some of the gaps. The more we can know about how Harry ended up here, the better we can help him." She smiled and folded her hands on her lap. "First though, I would just like to say that Harry seems like a very sweet boy, and I am very sorry to see him like this. But many teens with histories like Harry's have problems that lead them to suicide, and many of them recover and can go on to lead heathy and productive lives."

Remus let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you for saying that, I appreciate it."

Anya smiled "How have you been holding up?"

Remus paused for a moment, tempted to brush off the question and focus on Harry, but he had a rare opportunity here to actually talk to someone, and he figured he should use it. "Not great, I'm worried... worried about Harry, feeling guilty for letting this happen... worried that he will try again and succeed."

Anya nodded "Those are all very normal reactions Remus, and I'm afraid I don't have any easy answers for you. But a big focus in our treatment will to be helping Harry to see when he is struggling, and have a plan that he can mobilize to reach out, instead of trying to deal with his problems alone. The worry may never completely go away, but it won't always be this bad."

Remus nodded "You had some questions about Harry?"

Anya nodded "Yes, his file states that he came into your care at the beginning of the summer, and that he was removed from his former home because of abuse. Would you mind elaborating on that a bit?"

Remus nodded "Yes, um... Harry's parents passed away when he was one, and he was sent to live with his aunt and uncle at that time. He remained there until this past summer, when Si..." Remus sighed and considered his options. "My friend Sirius and I, we were friends with Harry's father in school, we were worried about him and brought him to our house for the rest of the summer. Once there we realized that Harry was being abused. Harry rarely talks about it. He was physically and sexually abused for most of the time he lived with his relatives. mostly by his uncle."

Anya nodded, "Harry mentioned him briefly. He just stood trial?"

Remus nodded again. "Yes, I never should have let Harry testify... I knew it would be hard for him. But there was a chance that Vernon would walk if Harry didn't, and he wanted to..."

Anya gave Remus a sympathetic smile "You couldn't have known what was going to happen." They talked about the trial, and Harry's relatives, for a while longer. Then Anya changed the subject. "So, before the other night, what symptoms were you seeing in Harry?"

Remus took a deep breath and thought for a moment. "Um, well he has nightmares, panic attacks, I think flashbacks, but he has never actually said that. He doesn't sleep much, and he eats like a bird. And of-course self-harming... That was a big issue at the beginning of the summer. He was so malnourished that the cuts weren't healing and they got infected. So that is the issue we have been working on the most. We found a counselor for him to see, and that seemed to be helping. He had been doing really well recently."

Anya nodded "Okay, what do you mean about his eating? Does he just not have an appetite? Or is there a food issue?"

Remus hesitated "I am not sure, it's one of those things where I try to pick my battles. When he first came to us, he was very underweight, and he had the infections... so for a little while we were really strict about making him eat... but once he got better I didn't want to make it an issue if it wasn't one. I know his aunt and uncle starved him as a punishment, and so we always have food available, but we don't force him to eat."

"So how much would you say he eats? in a typical day?"

Remus shrugged "It depends on the day. He never eats breakfast, just coffee, lunch is usually a pretty decent meal, he will eat almost half of what is on his plate. And then dinner can go either way. Some days he eats it all, other days he hardly touches it. But he has never expressed concern about his weight, or choosing to starve himself in that sense."

Anya nodded "Then what do you think it is, that makes him not eat? A true lack of hunger?"

Remus shrugged "Sometimes... I think that eating at a dinner table with adults is really hard for him, I get the sense that it was one of the situations that would go south a lot at home. And so Sirius and I have been trying to just encourage him that we are here, and we care."

Anya nodded in understanding. They talked for a few more minutes about Harry, and then excused herself. "Alright, I have to go, Harry's medical doctor is hoping to clear him this afternoon, and then he should be admitted to the psych floor before dinner."

She paused on her way out of the conference room "and just so you know Mr. Lupin, our conversations are confidential, St mungo's has no interest in helping the ministry track down convicts. But just so you're aware, we do allow parents to bring their dogs to the unit, we find it very therapeutic." She gave Remus a meaningful look, then left.

OOO

When Remus got back to Harry's room two nurses were with him, helping him to get out of bed.

Remus smiled warmly "looking good kid" He said as he watched Harry take shaky steps around the room. Once he was a bit more stable one of the nurses left to go care for her own patients.

Anne smiled at Harry "You are looking good, the doc is working on your discharge papers as we speak." She glanced at Remus "So if your family brought you some extra clothes you can go ahead and get changed, and then I'll take out those IV's. It might be another hour before the psych floor is ready for you though, so don't rush." With that she left to go check on another patient.

Harry took a deep breath and walked over to the table where Severus had left the bag of clothes for him. once he was in the bathroom he sat down and gave himself a moment. it was the first time he had been alone since last night. He wasn't really alone of course, Remus was just outside, and the door didn't even lock. But he felt alone.

As he got dressed he found a letter with his name on it in Sirius's hand writing. He held it for a moment before putting it back in the bag. He knew Sirius meant well, but he wasn't ready to read it.

When he came out of the bathroom Remus was waiting for him. "The nurse said they are ready to take you up..." He said quietly.

Harry paused, gripping his bag more tightly "Oh..."

Remus smiled and walked towards Harry, enveloping him in a hug. "Listen Harry, I know you are scared right now, and that you are hurting. But I need you to know that I am not abandoning you. You are not too broken to be fixed, and Sirius and I are going to be with you, no matter what, okay? We are so proud of you for coming to us."

Harry closed his eyes tight to keep the tears from falling. "I'm going to try to get better Remus, I know I haven't been doing well... and I can't make any promises... But I am going to try."

Remus patted Harry on the back and stepped away, walking over to the bed, and picked up his stuffed fox. "Better not forget this," he said as the orderly came in with a wheelchair.

Harry smiled and took the fox from Remus. The orderly introduced himself as Chad, and asked Harry to sit down. After one last smile at Remus, he did.

Chad chatted with Harry as he wheeled him through the hospital. He was nineteen, and working this job while he trained to be a healer.

After an awkward silence Harry saw Chad glancing at his bandages. He shifted uncomfortably. "You don't have to stare..." he mumbled.

Chad blushed "Umm... I'm sorry I didn't mean to... I just"

Harry shrugged "It's fine, it's kind of fair to stare..."

Chad shrugged as he leaned against the elevator wall. "Why did you do it?"

Harry shrugged "I don't know... a lot of things... my life is crap and I didn't want to wake up anymore."

Chad nodded sympathetically, "I get that a bit, I'm sorry your life got so bad..."

Harry laughed "don't be, my life has always been bad... it actually finally started to get better this summer. That's when things got hard." He glanced at teen "When your life has always been crap you don't know any better, but once you see how it's supposed to be it's harder to live in your regular crap life."

Chad nodded in understanding, but didn't comment. A few moments later they arrived at the psych unit and Chad signed off his papers and waved goodbye before disappearing to go do his job.

OOO

The psych ward was just as terrifying as Harry had imagined it. once he had stepped out of the wheel chair a nurse greeted him and led him through a heavy door that thudded shut ominously. The nurse smiled and motioned for Harry to step into a small exam room across the hall from the door. "Come in here Harry, we'll get your intake done, then I'll show you around our unit."

The nurse seemed nice, her name was Jennifer. At first, she just took his vital signs and asked him some questions about being in pain or anything like that. Once those questions were over, she started asking about how he was feeling. After that she had to search him and his bag.

That part was a lot harder, but once it was over Jennifer offered to show him around the unit, and promised he would have a little time to rest before dinner.

Harry nodded silently, he was feeling weird again, and he wasn't sure he would remember anything that she said, but he smiled and nodded anyway.

Jennifer prattled along as she walked him up and down the unit, it was just one big long hallway, and most of the rooms were patient rooms. The unit was for teenagers, so the youngest patient there now was eleven, and the oldest was seventeen. Harry would be rooming with another boy his own age. There was a nurse's station in the middle of the hall, which was also where the door and the exam rooms were. There were two exam rooms, that was where teh therapists and other doctors met with patients when they came to see them.

There was one rec room, and one dining room, they were at opposite ends of the hall. After She had showed Harry all of this, she offered to show him to his room. "I don't see Dray out here, so he must be in the room right now" she said as she led Harry to one of the rooms near the nursing station.

When Harry walked into the room his stomach dropped.

"Dray, come meet your new roommate!" Jennifer called obliviously.

Draco turned around and his jaw almost hit the floor. "Harry?"

Harry just stood there in the door way, he wanted to run, but he was suddenly very aware of the locked door between him and freedom.

"Oh, you two know each other?" Jennifer said happily.

Harry was shaking his head now and backing out of the room. "No, no, this is where I draw the line... this can't be real..."He was saying quietly.

Now Jennifer looked concerned. "Hey, Harry... Harry talk to me, what's wrong?"

Draco was actually helpful for the first time since Harry had met him. "We know each other from school..." he said quietly. "I don't think he wants to room with me."

Jennifer glanced at Draco, then nodded. "Okay, Harry... we need to talk about this, take a deep breath,"

Harry nodded "I'm okay... I can't room with him though, I just can't."

Jennifer glanced between them and sighed "Well, I can look at the room assignments, if it's really that much of a problem... But I think that the only other male room open is Lenny's"

Draco made a face "He talks all night and pees on the wall."

Harry shuddered, that sounded awful, but he wasn't sure which would be worse.

Jennifer shrugged "It's up to you Harry, but I've got to say... we respect each others privacy here... so if that's what your worried about, we take that very seriously. And I'm sure Draco wants his business to remain private just as much as you do. Maybe you two could work out some ground rules to make this work?"

Harry glanced at Draco uncertainly. He didn't really look like himself, he looked nervous and sad... Maybe it wouldn't be horrible. And he already knew he was here... so, it didn't really matter anymore.

"Fine, we can try it." he muttered

Jennifer smiled "Great! I'll leave you two to get acquainted, let me know if you need anything." And with that she was gone.

Harry stood awkwardly in the doorway for a while.

Draco sighed and plopped down onto his bed by the window. "You can come in, I don't bite..."

Harry nodded and awkwardly walked into the room and stiffly sat on the bed by the door.

Draco sighed and shrugged "this doesn't have to be awkward Harry... we'll just set up some ground rules and it will be fine."

Harry nodded, "Right, ground rules."

"What happens here, stays here..." Draco said quickly "If you ever tell anyone that you saw me here I will..."

Harry nodded "don't worry, I don't want anyone knowing either." he took a deep breath "No questions... we don't have to be friends... We don't need to talk and hear about each other's life stories... we're just roommates."

Draco nodded "Sounds fair, anything else?" neither of them could think of one, so they agreed on it and it was over. After a moment Harry stood and put his bag in the closet.

After a few minutes of silence Harry finished with the closet and came back to sit on the bed. "So, are there a lot of other kids here?"

Draco shrugged "A bunch of teens, with you I think there are twelve of us on the unit... but it varies, some kids are here for weeks and some only stay for a few days."

Harry nodded awkwardly. "Any other kids from Hogwarts?"

Draco nodded "A few, Carrie is a hufflepuff in sixth year, and Lisa is a ravenclaw first year, most of the others go to other schools."

Harry cocked his head "I didn't know there were other magical schools in the area?"

Draco shrugged, "They aren't like Hogwarts... it's more like an after-school program, the kids go to muggle school and then the magic school in the afternoon. It's mostly half-bloods who aren't very talented, or whose parents don't want them away from home. They aren't really part of the magical community, but they end up coming here when they are crazy because of the risk for accidental magic on a muggle psych unit."

Harry nodded awkwardly, he was glad there weren't too many Hogwarts students here at least.

Draco stood and motioned towards the door "It's time for dinner, come on they get annoyed when we are late."

Harry shrugged and followed Draco down the hall. When they got into the dining room Draco headed towards a table that two girls and a boy were sitting at. Harry hung back awkwardly until one of the girls noticed him.

"who's your friend Dray?" She asked as she winked at Harry.

Harry blushed, and Draco rolled his eyes. "Harry, don't be weird... just come sit with us." He snapped.

Harry did as he was told, sitting next to the winking girl, and wishing the seats were farther apart.

Draco pointed to each of the people at the table. "Lauren: cutting, Denis: suicide, and Lucy: bipolar"

Harry stared at them awkwardly, "um, hi I guess..."

Draco chuckled "this is Harry" he paused and glanced at Harry's arms "Suicide... I'm guessing… Any way, he goes to Hogwarts with me."

Lucy grabbed his arm energetically " Wow, Hogwarts? I've always wanted to go there! It must be so amazing! I can't imagine why anyone who got to go to Hogwarts would want to kill themselves..." She didn't say it judgmentally, but Harry blushed all the same.

"Well, it's a bit more complicated than that..." He said quietly.

Draco glared at her "yeah Luc, going to a good school doesn't fix all your problems."

Lucy was going to retort back, but before she could the aides walked in with their dinners and started calling out names. When each name called the patient raised their hand, and the aide brought them their tray.

"We each get a personalized meal" she whispered to Harry "they have most of us on special diets to gain or lose weight. And you aren't allowed to trade food or anything."

Harry just nodded awkwardly, unsure what she wanted him to say. When his tray finally arrived, it was filled with the same meal as everyone else, but also had a protein shake on it. He turned to the aide in confusion. "Um, why do I have this? I don't need a protein shake..."

The aide shrugged "we just hand them out, you can ask your nurse later."

Harry glanced at Draco, who shook his head quietly. "I won't drink it." He said, pushing it away from him.

The aide sighed and rolled her eyes "fine, I'll get your nurse now." She muttered.

A few minutes later Jennifer appeared at Harry's side. He hadn't touched his plate. "Hey kid, what seems to be the problem?"

Harry bit his lip awkwardly, he hated causing trouble, and calling attention to himself. "I don't want this shake, I don't need it."

Jennifer nodded "well, we have a dietician who works with your doctor to set your meals while your here. And they felt that you needed to gain some weight... They want you to drink one shake a day to help you catch back up."

Harry shook his head "I don't want it, and I don't need it." He said firmly

Jennifer nodded again "okay Harry, we can't force you to drink it, but they'll keep showing up on your plate. You can just leave them there if you don't want them."

Harry took a deep breath and nodded again. He hardly touched his dinner, and the aide gave him a look as he turned in his tray, but no one said anything.

After dinner most of the patients headed to the lounge. Harry watched them go, then awkwardly headed to his room. He wasn't here to make friends, and he didn't feel like chatting anyway.

Jennifer came and found him after about ten minutes. "How ya doing kid?"

Harry jumped a bit, then curled up tighter on his bed. "I'm fine" He muttered quietly.

Jennifer frowned, and came into the room more. "The first night is always hard, you want to talk about it?"

Harry shrugged, hating how silly and weak he felt. "Nothing to talk about, I just don't want to be here."

Jennifer nodded "I know, but it's not as bad as it may seem. Why don't you go hang out with the other kids?"

Harry shrugged awkwardly "I don't know..."

She smiled "Harry, every single one of those teens out there has been in your position at some point. I know it's hard to be the new kid in the group, but you might find that they are actually really nice. They know what you're going through."

Harry shrugged, feeling like his chest might burst, like tears would spill over any minute. He had done enough stupid things over the past few days, he was not going to cry because he was alone. "What if they recognize me?" He asked quietly.

Jennifer smiled and patted his arm "Harry, all of the kids who are here are here because they couldn't keep themselves safe in the outside world. Everyone here wants what happens here to stay private. I know it's hard, and you probably feel embarrassed... but we take privacy very seriously here. You aren't going to go around telling people who you saw here, and they aren't either."

Harry sighed and nodded "Fine, I'll go out."


	11. Chapter 11

So as suggested, I changed the rating to M, I've read a lot of similar fics that were rated teen, and I have no intention of being any more graphic than they were, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Happy reading! I'm almost done posting the stuff I have written, so if you have any opinions/suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Friends in Unlikely Places

By the time he got to the rec room it was time for the evening group. Most of the twelve patients on the unit were gathering in the room and moving the chairs into a lop-sided circle. A young man had pulled a chair into the circle and was looking at a clip board. When he saw Harry enter he smiled and called him over "Hi!" He said energetically. "My name is Tom, I'm one of the therapists on the unit, I don't think we've met yet."

Harry hung back awkwardly, uncomfortable with the attention the man was giving him. "Um... I just got here today..." He said quietly "My name is Harry..."

Tom gave him a warm smile "Well welcome! We are just starting our final group for the day, go ahead and find a seat."

Harry nodded and tried to slip back towards the door, but Lucy had caught sight of him and was calling him over loudly. Harry blushed and walked over to the seat next to her, moving it away from her a bit as he sat down. The girl made him uncomfortable, but he couldn't really avoid her.

Lucy prattled on about one thing or another for a few minutes while Harry tried to remember how to breathe, and then Tom called for the meeting to start.

"Hi everyone! Welcome to evening group, you may have noticed we have a new face among us, so let's go around and introduce ourselves. What do we want to do tonight, favorite place in the world?" This must have been something they did often, because immediately the teen to Tom's left began talking. Harry was on the far end of the cirlcle, so he had some time before it would be his turn.

"I'm Jamie" said an attractive girl who looked to be about twelve "anorexia, today I'm feeling puffy, and my favorite place in the world is the beach, because its warm."

The boy next to her was Derrek, he quickly grunted "suicide attempt" and then reported that he didn't have a favorite place in the world, he didn't want to be here anymore.

After him things picked up, Lauren and Lenny went, and another girl name Maleficent, then it was Draco's turn.

He glanced at Harry cautiously, then looked at the ground. "My name is Dray, bulimia, today I'm feeling nervous, and my favorite place in the world is Hogwarts... because it is safe."

Harry frowned at this, trying to process the information. He thought he knew what bulimia was, but he couldn't imagine why Draco would want to make himself throw up. And why should Hogwarts be his favorite place? He acted like he hated it there.

Harry didn't have too much time to ponder it though, because soon enough it was his turn, and all the eyes were on him. "Ummm, I'm Harry" He swallowed and tried to make his voice stop shaking "I guess, attempted suicide" It actually hurt to say those words. "And my favorite place in the world is..." He should have thought about his answer, instead of trying to imagine why Draco would like Hogwarts better than his mansion, but he hadn't and now his mind was blank. "I guess the Hogwarts train... that's the first place I really felt hopeful." After he said it he heard how pathetic it sounded and hated himself.

Lucy smiled and patted Harry's knee. "that's beautiful!" she said expressively. "I'm Lucy, bipolar, today I'm feeling excited, and my favorite place in the world is with the people I love." She winked at Harry as she said this and sent a shiver down his spine.

Tom started to lead the group in a discussion of how their day had gone, they were each supposed to think of something they wish they had done differently, and something they were happy about, or proud of. When it was Harry's turn he said he couldn't think of anything. The truth was he could think of a million things, and nothing at all. He had been trying very hard not to think about his day.

Tom smiled "just give yourself a minute Harry, I'm sure you can think of something."

Harry sighed "I really can't." He protested.

That was when Lucy stepped in, placing her hand on Harry's knee and leaning into him. "That's okay Harry, you shouldn't have to think of anything." She sent Tom a nasty glance as she said this. And looking away, was her downfall. Harry had had enough of her, touching his knee triggered something in him and he shot up, sending her crashing to the floor in the process.

Tom was up in a moment, advancing towards Harry as he backed away from the circle.

But Harry couldn't even hear what he was saying, suddenly Tom had turned into Uncle Vernon, lunging at him. The next thing he knew a pulse of magic had left him, and people were screaming. Realizing he had lost control again, Harry ran.

He didn't get far though, Jennifer was rushing towards the rec room as he ran out, she was saying something to him, but he was still trying to run. Then more people came into the hallway, and they had their hands on him, and despite his struggling he felt a needle sick in his butt, and then he was falling asleep, and being placed in a small cell like room.

OOO

When Harry woke up his whole body hurt. He wasn't sure how long he had been asleep, but it felt like a long time. he sat up slowly and curled his knees up to his chest. "How could you be so stupid?" He asked himself quietly.

A few minutes after he woke up a young man came and opened the door. "Hi Harry, my name is Jeff, I'm one of the night nurses."

Harry sighed and rubbed his temples. "What time is it?"

Jeff laughed "Almost three am, ready to go sleep in a real bed?"

Harry nodded tiredly. As he stepped through the door he paused, "Did I hurt anyone?" He asked quietly, afraid of the answer.

Jeff sighed "Tom was a little bruised, and some of the kids were pretty shaken up, but everyone is okay."

Harry closed his eyes and tried not to cry. He hated how recently holding back tears was so much harder. "I didn't mean to... He just came at me and... and it made me think I was somewhere else, I'm sorry..."

Jeff gave Harry a sad smile "It's okay Harry, it happens... that's why you're here, so we can help you to learn how to deal with situations like that."

Harry shrugged tiredly, he followed Jeff silently to his room. Draco was already in bed, so he slipped in quietly, not bothering to change. Once Jeff left Harry sat quietly on his bed, he wasn't ready to lie down yet. After a few minutes Draco rolled over "I know we said no questions," he whispered through the dark. "But are you okay?"

Harry sighed and turned to him "I thought you were asleep?"

Draco shrugged "I don't sleep a lot. Seriously, are you okay?"

Harry shrugged "I just feel bad, I didn't mean to hurt anyone..."

Draco sat up and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. "It's true, isn't it? What they were saying in the newspapers?"

Harry couldn't look at Draco "When Tom came at me, I thought it was Uncle Vernon... I was in the court room again and he was lunging at me." Finally, Harry glanced at Draco nervously "It doesn't matter if he's in jail does it, he's always going to be able to hurt me."

Draco sighed, folding himself into a ball on the edge of his bed. "Some things always hurt..." He said quietly

Harry shot Draco a questioning glance.

Draco shrugged "No one ends up on this ward without getting hurt somehow. I don't shove my fingers down my throat because I like my life."

Harry nodded sympathetically.

Draco lifted his chin from his knees and bit his lip, looking as though he was sizing Harry up. "I know I'm not exactly kind to you... and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual... and I'm not going to suddenly be a nicer person to you just because your uncle is crap... but, if you want, we could be friends... just while we are in here... This is the kind of place where you need a friend."

Harry offered a small smile "I'd like that Draco, but if you try to be nice to me when we get back to school I'm going to tell them you need to be committed."

Draco laughed and nodded "Sounds like a deal."


	12. Chapter 12

Okay, sorry the next few chapters might be kind of short… I don't know why but this is just how it makes sense to break it up for me. I'll try and post them all quickly.

At seven am Jennifer flipped on the light in their room and offered a chipper "Good morning boys!"

Harry and Draco simultaneously groaned. Harry hadn't been asleep, he hardly slept at all anymore, but he didn't want to get out of bed either.

Jennifer took each of their vitals, and asked them a few questions. She dealt with Draco first, and smiled as she came over to Harry and strapped on the automatic blood pressure cuff. "Are you feeling better this morning?" She asked kindly.

Harry blushed, thinking of how she would have last seen him. "Yeah, sorry about last night... I was, I was being stupid. It won't happen again."

Jennifer smiled "Harry, you are allowed to get upset here, and it's not stupid. We want to help you learn how to express those feelings in a safer way." When Harry didn't respond she moved on. "How did you sleep last night?" she asked as she felt his pulse.

Harry shrugged "Normal..."

She gave him a silly annoyed look "What is normal Harry?"

He chuckled and shrugged "I don't know... I was knocked out until three, then when I came in here I was up for a while... I think I fell asleep around four... then I woke up at like five because I had a nightmare, and I've been up since then."

Jennifer gave him a sad look "Harry, that's not normal... that's only an hour of sleep!"

Harry shrugged "And I slept when they drugged me, I think I actually got more sleep than I normally do."

Jennifer sighed and looked at him with a sad, sympathetic look that Harry hated. Once she left Harry started to get ready for the day. They only had thirty minutes before their first group, and then breakfast.

"I hate it when they look at me like that" He grumbled to Draco as he sifted through the bag of clothes that he had aimlessly thrown into his closet the day before. It looked like Snape hadn't bothered to pack him any long sleeves. _It was probably intentional_ He thought darkly. It was warm on the unit, it was July after all, but Harry knew people would see his scars.

Draco paused in his own getting ready "Like what?"

Harry shrugged "Like I'm broken... like I'm some story you hear on the six o'clock news about a kid who was locked in someone's basement for his entire life having ice cream for the first time or something."

Draco raised an eye brow "But you have had ice cream? Right? Because that would really be abuse."

Harry rolled his eyes and threw the bad he was holding at him while he laughed "You're horrible" He said as he pretended to be upset.

Draco just laughed and continued to get dressed "Yeah but I'm funny."

Harry sighed, throwing the last shirt in the pile aside "They didn't pack me a single long sleeve shirt, or even a sweat shirt... What am I supposed to do?"

Draco shrugged "It's warm, wear short sleeves."

Harry bit his lip. "But then people will see my scars..."

Draco mocked shock "And then the people on the psych ward might realize you are crazy!"

Harry rolled his eyes again "I know... I just... I don't like it..."

Now Draco gave him a more sympathetic look "Listen Harry, I know it's hard, but there are a lot of people here with scars... When you are in a place like this you lose a lot of privacy. It sucks, but it's for our benefit... They just want to keep us safe, and every kid here is dealing with it in some way or another. Just be glad they aren't following you into the bathroom."

Harry raised an eye brow, but didn't comment on that last bit. "Yeah, you're right..." He said begrudgingly as he pulled on a tee shirt. Harry started to follow Draco out of their room but paused before leaving the room.

Draco turned back, looking at him expectantly, after a moment he gave him a sympathetic look. "Harry, everyone freaks out at least once when they get here, it's normal."

Harry looked at him doubtfully "Does everyone lose control of their magic and throw a therapist against a wall?" he argued.

Draco laughed "no, but I doubt you're the first. I promise, if anyone is looking at you funny it's because you're hanging out with me, I'm kind of famous you know." He said with a wink.

Harry laughed, and relented to follow Draco down to the dining room, Draco had explained that they had the 'community meeting' in the dining room each day before breakfast. Most of the other groups were conducted in the rec room. When they got to the dining room Draco went immediately to the table his friends sat at, and gave Lucy a sharp look "Move over Luc, I'm sitting next to Harry."

Luc smiled flirtatiously, "oh come on Dray, I'm sure we can share him" she said with a wink.

Draco scowled and shook his head "I know you don't mean anything by it, but you make him uncomfortable, so just move."

Luc glared at him, but didn't argue anymore. Once she was sitting across from Harry she smiled more shyly "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable Harry" She practically whispered "Sometimes I go a little crazy and I forget that not everyone around me likes it…"

Harry offered her a stiff smile "It's okay…" He said awkwardly "I mean we're all crazy in one way or another right?"

Before Lucy could respond Dr. Taylor had walked into the room and was greeting the group. "Hey kids!" She said brightly "How are we all doing this morning?"

The room mumbled various versions of 'fine' and Dr. Taylor Took a seat at the head of the room. Harry noticed that most of the kids here called her Anya, the way she had asked him to.

"Alright, let's get this community meeting started!" She said with too much enthusiasm for Harry's taste. "I take it you all met our new community member last night?" She asked as she nodded to Harry.

Most of the room nodded, but Lenny stood emphatically "He nearly KILLED US!" He shouted, side stepping away from Harry nervously.

Harry hated attention under most circumstances, he had felt his ears burning when Dr. Taylor had introduced him yet again, but now he wanted to melt into the ground and disappear.

Before he could respond Lucy was jumping to his defense. "He was just scared Lenny! If I remember correctly you peed yourself your first night here, so you're one to talk!"

More voices from around the room were starting to chime in, but Dr. Taylor was standing now, not quite shouting, but raising her voice enough to be heard. Harry wanted to die, more than he had ever wanted to die before. She was yelling, she was yelling at him, and it was all his fault. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, and he was determined not to cry in front of all these people. He could hear Dr. Taylor talking, saying something about thinking about other people's feelings, but he couldn't stand to sit there. He had to move, so he stood up and left. Her voice followed him for a moment, trying to call him back to the group, but it faded as he walked away.

He walked determinedly to his room, only to find that there was nothing there to make him feel better. He paced in the room, clenching and unclenching his fists, wishing he had his blade with him. _But I promised Remus and Sirius that I wouldn't do that anymore…_ He barked a laugh at the thought, he was in a locked psych ward, because he had overdosed on dreamless sleep and slashed up his wrists, he had broken so many promises, it hardly seemed as if any more mattered now.

He was biting his lip, trying to calm himself, but it wasn't enough. He glanced down at his wrists, the bandages not quite as pristine as they had been when he woke up, but still there… His eyes shot around the room nervously, still pacing he grabbed his left arm with his right and dug his nails in.

Pain like a fire shot through his arm, but it had the desired effect, the panic was still there, but his mind was a bit clearer. It was then, with the room coming into focus a bit more, that he saw Jennifer standing in his doorway, and he knew he was in trouble.

But Jennifer didn't look mad, she didn't even look scared or disappointed as Remus had always been. She just smiled at him calmly "Hey Harry," She said in a soft voice. "Can you talk to me about what happened? What's wrong?"

Harry continued pacing, trying to keep an eye on her, but needing to keep moving. "It doesn't matter" He mumbled as he paced.

Jennifer let out a small sigh "Harry, obviously you are upset right now, I know it's hard, but talking about it will help."

Harry glared at her, but he was getting tired, and his arm was throbbing. He slowed his pacing, finally coming to stand still with his bed between them. "You won't get mad?" He asked hesitantly. He knew she wouldn't, logically he knew that all of these people were trying to help him, that they cared about him and wouldn't hurt him. That his aunt and uncle had been bad people, but not all adults were. But he couldn't help worrying about it.

Jennifer nodded quietly "I promise Harry" She said firmly.

He held his breath for a moment, not wanting to believe her, it was so much easier to not believe anyone, to assume everyone was bad. But she was right, if he didn't talk about things, he was never going to get out of here. "I don't like attention…" He said, uncertain of where he was going with this. "They were all looking at me… Hating me… and then Dr. Taylor… she was yelling… I just, I couldn't stay…. I couldn't sit there with all of them yelling at me. I had to leave."

Jennifer nodded, slowly moving to the chair that sat next to the door, after a moment Harry followed suit and sat on his bed. "He always yelled at me." He barely whispered under his breath.

Jennifer's face stayed neutral "Your uncle?" She asked quietly.

Harry nodded "Both of them, but mostly him… Aunt Petunia didn't dare raise her voice when he was in the house, so I think she made up for it when he wasn't."

"I'm sorry, that sounds very frightening."

Harry didn't look at Jennifer, but he appreciated her, she seemed like a nice person, and she didn't look shocked or pity him when he talked about his relatives, although he was sure she knew what they had done. "I just really don't like it when people yell, even when they aren't yelling at me… I just can't help but feel like they are. I start to panic…" He looked down at his throbbing arm, little dots of blood peeking through the bandage. "I didn't mean to do that" he said quietly "I mean I did, but I wasn't planning it when I left… I was just upset, and I didn't know what to do."

Jennifer had moved onto his bed now, and taken his left arm in her hands. "I know Harry, I'm sure someone has told you that self-harm is an addiction? It's a learned response… and you've learned to deal with stress and emotions that way, so it's going to take some time to relearn other ways to cope."

Harry nodded, Lou had told him that. "This is so stupid" He muttered as Jennifer produced a packaged gauze roll from some unknown scrub pocket and dawned gloves to start redressing his wrist. "I was doing so well… I hadn't cut in weeks… Now I'm back to square one." He looked away as she pulled the last of the old bandage from his arms, not sure he wanted to see the damage he had done.

"Relapse happens, it's a part of recovery. The important thing to do now is learn from it, and figure out how you can do things differently next time." Her lips twitched as she caught Harry's expression "Yeah, there will be a next time. Bad things will always happen Harry."

Harry chuckled "Now you're the one who's starting to sound depressed."

Jennifer smiled "You know what I mean, you are going to get upset again at some point in your life, you might even have suicidal thoughts again, but if you learn to cope with them, to ask for help when you need it, then those feelings won't be so scary or catastrophic." She was wrapping fresh white gauze over his arm now. After a pause she asked "Speaking of which, how are you feeling today? Are you still having suicidal thoughts?"

Harry balked at the question "No!" he said quickly, then he gave her a sheepish look, realizing how ridiculous that sounded. "I mean… I don't know… I don't want to die right now... Like I'm not planning on trying anything when I get out of here… but if I'm being honest, when I first came in here I think if I had the means I might have done something very stupid."

Jennifer nodded "Thank you for being honest with me." She had finished taping his dressing, and glanced at her watch "Do you think you're ready to go rejoin the group? It's almost breakfast time now."

Harry shrugged "I don't eat breakfast anyway" He noticed the concerned look that Jennifer was giving him and bit his lip "But yeah, I'll go now." He said quickly, hurrying to leave the room before she started lecturing him on the importance of breakfast.

The group was winding down when he walked in and slipped back into his seat. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, but he tried to ignore them. Dr. Taylor thanked him for returning, but didn't bring any other attention to him. They were talking about everyone's goals for the day, and how they planned to accomplish them. Harry was just grateful she didn't ask him for a goal.

Within five minutes the meeting was over and the aides were passing out breakfast trays. Draco gave Harry a worried glance "You okay mate?" He asked quietly, so as not to attract the attention of the rest of the group. He was looking pointedly at the fresh bandage on Harry's wrist.

Harry nodded "I was pretty upset… not my best moment, but I didn't do too much damage."

Draco nodded, then turned to the trays that had been set in front of them. Quickly tucking into his while Harry just pushed his eggs around with a fork.

"What, no coffee here?" Harry asked in dismay.

Dennis laughed "Yeah, cause that's exactly what crazy kids need, caffeine."

Harry scowled at him "Yeah well I hardly slept last night, and I always drink coffee…."

Jennifer was standing next to him with a cup of pills in her hand, she gave him a sympathetic look "I'm sorry kid, no caffeine here at all. It sucks, but after a few days you won't miss it much. I can give you something to help with the headache if you want."

Harry nodded glumly as he downed the pills she had handed him without bothering to ask what they were. He could only assume they had him on an antidepressant, and probably something for anxiety, maybe even something for the pain in his arms. Jennifer gave his still full plate a pointed look, and sighing he picked up his fork and took a few bites.

The food tasted dry in his mouth, he wanted to spit it out, but he knew that would be a mistake, so he gulped it down. He only got one more bite down before he started to feel like the food was choking him, and gave up. Once the rest of his table was done they headed toward the rec room, telling Harry that they were allowed to watch TV for an hour after breakfast each morning. But before they reached the other end of the unit Dr. Taylor had found him, and asked if she could speak with him.

Harry knew she wanted to talk about him leaving group, and probably what had happened at the evening group to. He felt what little food he had eaten start to lurch up in his stomach, but swallowed it back down as he followed her to one of the exam rooms.

This room wasn't set up like a normal exam room, but more like Lou's office had been. The chairs were dingy, and instead of bookshelves the walls were lined with locked file cabinets, but Harry was thankful that at least his chair was closest to the door.

Dr. Taylor smiled as she settled into her chair, placing a manila envelope he could only assume was his file on the table beside her. "How are you doing today Harry?" She asked kindly.

He shrugged "I would be better if I could have some coffee."

Dr. Taylor nodded " a lot of our older teens complain about that. I understand that it is frustrating, but it's against policy." She paused for a moment to see if Harry wanted to discuss this further before she moved on to the reason she had asked to speak with him. "Harry, there are some things we need to discuss."


	13. Chapter 13

Okay, longer chapter here! Sorry that that there is a bit of a time jump. I wanted to establish Harry on the psych unit before I dealt with everyone else. Lots of angst and fluff though, so hopefully that will make up for it!

Remus had watched as the young teen, barely older than Harry himself, had wheeled his charge out of the ICU and deeper into the hospital. He wished he had been allowed to go with them, to make sure Harry settled alright, but he understood why he couldn't. After making sure they had gotten all of Harry's things out of the hospital room, he headed to the main lobby of the hospital and floo'd to the burrow. The Weasley's had sent word that Sirius would stay with them until Remus returned, and he knew they would want an update on Harry.

Remus stumbled into the living room of the burrow, exhaustion hitting him like a ton of bricks. The burrow, like always, was alive in a flurry of activity, but before he could even get his footing, Ron and Hermione were at his side, bombarding him with questions. He wasn't sure why Hermione was even there, but he figured Ron had sent her an owl. Harry was very fortunate to have such caring friends.

He hadn't even answered their questions when the matriarch of the family came in and shooed them away, leading Remus into the kitchen and offering him a cuppa.

He smiled gratefully, looking behind him to see the teenagers huff off in annoyance. "What have you told them?" he asked nervously. He knew Harry wouldn't want everyone knowing what had happened, but he wasn't sure how much they could prevent it.

Molly smiled good naturedly as she handed him a steaming cup. "Not much, but we couldn't lie to them… and Sirius showing up in the state he was, in the middle of the night… They guessed more than I would have liked."

Remus nodded, relishing in the steaming cup. The tea and coffee at the hospital had been okay, but there was nothing like home made. "Well we can fill them in then, I want to protect Harry's privacy, but I couldn't live with myself if they were worried sick this whole time. Speaking of Sirius, how is he doing? I'm sorry to have had him drop in like that… but I'm very grateful he came here."

Molly smiled "He's upset of course, mostly kept to himself all day. You know how he can get, sort of restless and brooding. I couldn't convince him to eat much, but he is still in one piece. How is Harry?"

Remus sighed, thinking not for the first time how alike Sirius and Harry seemed to be, neither of them liked to let people help them deal with things. "He's alright considering. I left after they took him up to the psych ward." As he spoke Sirius came in and flopped down next to him. Molly got up without a word and poured another cup of tea, placing a tray of cookies between them as she did.

Remus continued, now more to Sirius than Molly. "They are going to keep him for at least three days, possibly more than a week. But we can visit him tomorrow. His doctor even made a point to tell me that they allow dogs to visit."

This made Sirius chuckle, but it didn't quite bring a smile to his face. "Is he going to be okay? I mean I really thought he was doing better… I know the trial was hard, but I never thought he was capable of this."

Remus nodded "I know, I do Sirius, and I'm not sure. We didn't really talk about what happened, it seemed to upset him too much. But I'm sure we will have several conversations over the next few days."

Sirius sighed, he wasn't looking forward to those conversations, and he could only imagine how Harry would feel about them. The three adults sat in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts of the sweet and caring green-eyed boy they held so dear. Eventually Sirius spoke up "We need to sit down with Ron and Hermione and explain what happened, I know it's my fault, but they are worried sick… I didn't want to tell them anything until you came back, and we had more information."

Remus nodded "I would have preferred to let Harry decide if he wanted to tell his friends, but obviously we can't just keep them in the dark." His thoughts flashed back to another situation not unlike this one. He remembered discussing similar things with James before he went to his parents about Sirius. Remus couldn't help but smile when he thought of how far his friend had come since then. Sure, he still had problems, eleven years after the war they were both worse for the wear, but Sirius really seemed to have a way with Harry, and all in all things could have been a lot worse.

Molly called the teens into the kitchen, Fred and George pilling in too. Remus was going to protest, they didn't really need to be here. But he figured they would find out eventually anyway, and it was kind that they cared. Ginny was the last to slip into the room. Her mother started to shoo her out, but she stood her ground.

"No!" She wasn't quite yelling, but she certainly had everyone's attention. "Harry is my friend too! And I deserve to get to know what's happened. We all already know anyway, between Sirius getting here last night, and what is in the papers… I want to know the truth! How am I supposed to have Harry's back if I'm guessing off of what I read in the tabloids?"

Remus had expected her older brothers to be annoyed by her, to tell her she was too young, but all three of them offered up a chorus of agreement. Fred taking the lead "Yeah, we all know there are going to be awful rumors when we go back to school, I think Ginny deserves to know the truth as much as the rest of us. And She's better at hexing than Ron anyway, when it comes down to defending Harry."

Molly gave him a sharp look "We are not telling you what happened so that you can help Harry pick fights at school!" she chastised, but she didn't make Ginny leave.

With that settled it seemed that Remus had the floor. He sighed, he was really too tired to do this, but he knew it needed to be done. "I'm very proud of you all," He started out by saying, sounding very much like a teacher "And how you've all stood by Harry, he has very good friends in you five, and I'm grateful for that… because he is going to need good friends." He paused, trying to decide where to start. He knew that Ron and Hermione were aware of the abuse that Harry had been through, and his struggles with self-harming. And he wasn't sure that the rest of them really needed the details of that. If they did, he would leave it up to Harry to decide.

"As I'm sure you all know by now, Harry came to live with Sirius and I two weeks into the summer… and when he did it became clear that his relatives had been horribly mistreating him. He was in pretty bad shape when he first came to us, and he will never go back to them…. But he had been doing better recently. But a few days ago, he had to face them in trial, to make them pay for what they had done. He was very brave, and we won, but it was very hard for him. The night after the verdict came out… Harry tried to take his life." Remus paused, feeling relieved that he had finally said it. He hadn't actually had to tell anyone yet, and as tired as he was it felt good to get it off his chest. "He is okay, actually, the only reason he survived is because he woke Sirius up, asking for help… Which is a huge step for him. He is going to be in the hospital for a few days, but he will be okay. And he is allowed to receive letters. Sirius and I will be visiting him tomorrow and can bring them with us if any of you would like to write to him."

For a long moment the room was very silent. It was George who spoke first "So it's true then, what they are saying in the papers… about his uncle…" He cast a nervous glance at his mother "raping him?"

Remus glanced at Sirius, unsure what to say. Thankfully, Sirius seemed to be more comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with kids, Remus often wondered if it was because of his own childhood, but he hadn't dared to ask.

"Yes," Sirius said plainly "I think Harry would have preferred to keep the details of his abuse private, but that is true."

Fred's face turned an angry red, Ginny started to tear up, and George just looked sad. "That horrible, evil bastard…" Fred started muttering. A string of incomprehensible curses followed, and his mother shot him a look, but she didn't chastise him. They had all been thinking it.

Between the angry ramblings of her brothers, Ginny's voice broke through, much smaller than Remus was used to hearing it sound. "Is that why Harry cuts?"

The whole room went silent. Surprisingly enough, Ron was the first one to regain composure and speak. "Did Harry tell you about that?" He asked, sounding terribly betrayed.

Ginny shrugged "No, but it's not that hard to spot." She looked down at her lap, uncomfortable with all of the eyes on her. "When you know what to look for" she added more quietly.

Sirius and Molly exchanged a series of worried glances, before Molly barked for everyone to leave. She grabbed her daughter by the arm before she could bolt. "Not you Ginny." She said a bit gruffly.

Remus knew she was just worried; shocked, upset, maybe even feeling a bit guilty, had had been in her shoes. But he could see that Ginny was absolutely terrified. Clearly, she had not been planning on revealing herself in this way. The rest of the teens shuffled out quickly, having the good sense to know that their mother was not to be crossed right now. And Sirius and Remus stood. Remus started moving towards the door, but a panicked look from Molly made him pause.

Sirius stepped in and saved the day, sliding easily into a chair closer to Ginny and smiling at Remus "why don't you go find Arthur for us Rem?" He asked, clearly excusing Remus from the conversation. "Molly, I think we could all use another cuppa, and maybe some more of those biscuits if you have any?"

Molly quickly set about putting the kettle back on, clearly thankful to have a job, and Remus slipped out to find Arthur, not entirely sure what he would tell the older man.

Sirius waited until everyone had settled in their tasks before turning to Ginny. He didn't know the young girl very well, he had seen her at order meetings of course, but other than that she was Harry's best mate's sister, he knew very little about her. He racked his brain for a moment before remembering Remus telling him stories about Harry's shenanigans at school (he still needed to tell that boy how proud he was of him, he would never get over having missed the looks on people's faces when he started speaking in parsel tongue). Ginny was a year bellow Harry, she was the girl that had had Voldemort's diary, the one who had almost died. Remus seemed to think she had quite the crush on Harry as well.

Sirius half smiled at her as Molly passed them each a fresh cup of tea. "There we go" he said brightly "I've always found that difficult things are made easier to talk over when you have a steaming cup of tea in your hands." He glanced at Molly to see if she wanted to jump in, but she looked terribly out of her depth. For a moment Sirius appreciated the irony that he now seemed to be the expert on talking to troubled kids. _James, I hope you're watching this, and making fun of me. I'll be very disappointed if you're up there all teary eyed with your wife about how far I've come._

"Ginny," He said gently "What did you mean when you said that about Harry's cutting, about knowing what to look for?"

Ginny refused to look up at him, staring into her cup as if the dark lord himself might come out of it. "Nothing, I just… I meant it's not that hard to spot. I… I know people who do that… so I knew what to look for."

Molly looked like she wanted to be relieved, to leave it at that, but Sirius knew better. "Ginny, you're not in trouble right now. I know this is really scary, but we want to help you, okay?" When the young ginger stayed silent Sirius added "You know, when Harry first came to live with Remus and I, he wasn't talking at all. I think some things are just really, really hard to say. Especially the first time. Maybe it would be easier if you just nodded?"

She glanced up at him, terrified.

"Ginny, have you ever hurt yourself before? On purpose?" He asked quietly.

This time her head stayed down, her long red hair falling around her face and hiding her eyes. But slowly, she nodded.

Molly sucked in her breath, looking completely horrified. Sirius shot her a significant glance, how she responded right now was crucial. But after a moment to recover, she enveloped her daughter in a tight hug. "Oh honey, Oh Ginny… Your dad and I love you so much, we are going to help you get through this, okay?"

Sirius pressed his lips together, hiding a smile. Molly Weasley was, above all else, a truly wonderful mother. He wished that every hurting kid could have a woman like her in his life. He had been so thankful for Mrs. Potter (who's reaction had not been very different at all). Ginny looked a complicated mix of relieved and terrified, which he understood far too well. There was something about finally having people who would love you no matter what, and help you face your demons, that was amazingly powerful and simultaneously panic inducing.

Eventually Molly released her grip and sat back, wiping tears from her eyes. "Oh, but darling, why?" She asked.

Ginny shrugged, biting her lip and glancing at Sirius before responding. "I don't know… after everything in my first year… it just… nothing made sense anymore, and I didn't know what to do. I know it's stupid, but cutting helps." She glanced at Sirius again "I'm sorry I never told anyone about Harry, I knew it would mean giving myself away too. He caught me last Christmas, and I think he really wanted to tell you then Mum… but he knew I would tell on him too. I swear if I had known what they were doing to him, or that he was suicidal, I would have told you guys, no matter what. I had no idea his uncle was…" she didn't finish her sentence, it hardly seemed necessary.

Sirius nodded "I believe you Ginny, don't beat yourself up about it, no one knew what Harry was going through. But I want you to promise me that in the future if you know someone is hurting themselves you will tell an adult. I know it can feel like you are betraying them, and they might even think you did at first. But these kinds of problems are too big for kids to deal with by themselves."

Ginny nodded again, and a moment later Arthur and Remus entered the kitchen, Arthur looking very worried. "What is wrong with Ginny? Honey are you okay?" He asked frantically.

Remus shot Sirius an apologetic look. Ginny shrugged her father's hug off. "I'm fine dad." she said hastily.

Sirius jumped in before the man could ask more questions. As well as Molly had handled the situation, he had a feeling Arthur would need a bit more calming down. And he was sure that both of them would have a lot of questions. "Ginny, why don't you and Remus go help the rest of the kids write Harry some letters?" Remus and Ginny immediately agreed, jumping on the chance to leave the room.

Once they were gone Sirius cast a silencing spell around the room as Molly turned to her husband and practically burst into tears.

"Ginny is okay" Sirius told him as the confused man while he comforted his wife. He waited for Molly to compose herself before continuing.

Arthur patted his wife's back as she cried "There, there dear, whatever it is I'm sure we can deal with it. Ginny is fine."

Molly looked up at him, wiping the tears from her eyes "No she's not dear… she's been… she's been… hurting herself… like Harry…"

Arthur's reaction was much calmer than Sirius had expected. Then again, Arthur Weasley was a very different kind of man than the ones Sirius had known growing up. Even James's father, who never would have hurt a child, had the famous Potter temper. He was a force to be reckoned with when he was upset. Sirius remembered very clearly when James had told him that his parents knew.

OOO

 _"I know you're going to be mad at me Sir, and I don't even blame you. But I had to tell them. I'd rather have you be mad at me for the rest of your life than dead."_

 _Sirius looked up from the book he had been pretending to study, sitting on his bed in the Gryfendor boy's sixth year room. He had been doing his best to look calm when his friend came into the room, hoping that James hadn't seen him hastily pull down his sleeve as he entered._

 _"Tell who?" His voice sounded much more strained than he had wanted it to._

 _James sighed, sitting defeatedly on his own bed. "My parents… I've just come from home."_

 _Sirius could feel the blood drain from his face, for a moment he thought he might vomit. "You didn't…. James, you promised… you …"_

They had argued for a long time after that, an argument that Sirius wished he couldn't remember. But eventually he had dared to ask James how his parents had taken the news.

 _"They were upset, obviously. They care about you a whole lot Padfoot. It was all I could do to keep them from storming the gates of Hogwarts to see you"_

 _"Are they mad?"_

 _James took a deep breath, knowing his friend would see through a lie in a moment. "Mum is just worried."_

 _Sirius bit his lip "and your dad?"_

 _James sighed "He told you to start calling him dad years ago Sir. Yeah, he's pretty upset… you know how he gets. He accidentally shattered Mum's favorite vase again. But he calmed down eventually. I don't think he's mad at you, I think if anything he was mad that Remus and I didn't come to them sooner."_

OOO

Sirius could smile at the memory now, he thought briefly how much his godson was like his grandfather. Both very powerful wizards with poor magical control.

Now Arthur and Molly were both sitting across from Sirius, looking a bit overwhelmed.

Arthur spoke first "Thank you for being here Sirius, I don't know what we would've done if you weren't. From what Molly and Remus tell me, you're very good with teenagers."

Sirius laughed "Well it helps when you can out do them in any bad thing they've ever done. I think I might actually have been the most difficult teenager to grace the walls of Hogwarts. But I'm glad I could help. Self-harming is a lot more common than most people in the wizarding community would like to believe. I know it's very frightening, but Ginny can recover from this."

Molly smiled now, casting a slightly too obvious glance at his covered arms. "Thank you, we appreciate your… expertise…"

He sighed, wondering if Remus had told them, or if they had simply guessed. "I cut for most of the time I was at Hogwarts, I was sure that I would never stop, that no one could make me. But when James finally told his parents…. It was still very hard, and it took a long time of them proving to me that they would love me no matter how many times I messed up, but they saved my life." He paused, as both of the older wizards gave him sympathetic looks. "Remus and I can give you the name of the therapist that Harry has been seeing, she is one of the best in the community, and she specializes in kids who've been through trauma. It sounds like Ginny's problems started after the incident in her first year?"

Molly nodded "We should have known better, paid better attention to how she was coping. I was worried at first of course, but she always insisted that she couldn't remember what had happened, and we thought it would be best to just move on."

Sirius nodded "It's possible she really doesn't remember it, some kids start cutting as a way to deal with things that they can't process. Please don't blame yourself, you know now. The important thing now to focus on is helping Ginny." They spent almost an hour discussing some of the more practical aspects of helping Ginny. Sirius stressed that self-harmers weren't usually suicidal, but obviously they weren't handling their problems very well so it was something to look out for. He also told them that they really needed to take Ginny to a doctor and make sure all of her cuts were healing properly. "Madam Pomferry would probably be willing to help if you aren't comfortable seeing another doctor." He also talked about setting guidelines with Ginny, and being prepared for the fact that she most likely would not be able to stop right away.

Eventually the three of them headed into the parlor and found Remus entertaining the group (particularly the twins) with stories of the mischief that he and Sirius had gotten into with James.

Arthur smiled at his children, waiting until Remus had finished to speak. "Hey kids, these letters look great! Why don't you all go wash up for dinner, mum has agreed to let us go to the pub down the road! Ginny dear, can we see you for a moment?"

Sirius and Remus took this as their chance to leave, saying a quick goodbye as they gathered up the letters. Sirius gave Ginny a quick hug "You're going to be okay kid, I promise. And you're always welcome at Grimauld, okay?" He had warned the Weasley's that he was going to offer this to Ginny, not to undermine them, but because he knew that kids who struggled with these kinds of issues often needed somewhere to go when things got rough, and it was better to have an adult they could go to than to have them wandering out on the streets.

OOO

Harry looked at Dr. Taylor nervously, he wasn't sure what she wanted to talk about but he could only guess it was something he wouldn't like. "I'm sorry I got upset during group, and I know I lost control last night but it won't happen again I swear!" He knew that he was making promises he couldn't keep, but he didn't know what else to do.

Anya shook her head "Harry, I'm not mad at you, that's not even what I want to talk to you about. It's hard when you first come here, many patients don't have any way to deal with their emotions, and so they lose control, that is why we keep you on the unit, so that you can be somewhere where we can help to keep you safe when you lose control. As you learn better coping skills, that will get better."

She paused for a moment, ensuring that Harry believed her. "I wanted to talk to you about your eating... I know it's been a stressful couple of days, months probably. But we are concerned about your eating habits... While you've been here you've hardly eaten at all. And your guardian told us that you haven't been eating much at home either. Can you help me understand why?"

Harry bit his lip, avoiding meeting her gaze. "I'm just not that hungry Dr. Taylor..." He said pathetically.

She sighed "Harry, please call me Anya. And I don't think I believe that... Lots of people eat when they are not hungry, for all sorts of reasons. You are still very underweight, and you need to eat so that your body can heal properly."

Harry shrugged, unsure what she wanted him to say. "I'm not trying to starve myself or anything... I just don't feel like eating." When Dr. Taylor didn't say anything, Harry elaborated. "I have a hard time eating... When I... Get upset... I just can't eat, I feel like my throat is closing up, like the food is choking me. Breakfast is always the worst... I was never allowed to eat breakfast at home."

Anya sighed "thank you for telling me that Harry, I understand this is hard for you. How can we help so that eating is easier for you? Are there certain foods that are easier to eat maybe?"

Harry shrugged "it's all hard... I don't know what to tell you. I could probably force myself to eat lunch and dinner, but I can't eat breakfast, I just can't."

Anya nodded, "Harry are you afraid of gaining weight?

Harry shook his head quickly _that wasn't it_. "No, no I'm not I swear… I'm not anorexic or anything. I just, it's just hard. I promise I'll try harder. I know I need to gain weight, I've always been under weight. Even when I've been at Hogwarts for months and eating regular meals."

Anya nodded "Do you eat breakfast when you are at Hogwarts?"

Harry shook his head "Just coffee… The only time I've ever really eaten breakfast consistently was earlier this summer, when I was living with Remus. Right when I first got there all my cuts were infected and I was pretty beat up, so they made me eat every meal. It was only for about two weeks though, and I almost threw up every morning. If I hadn't been worried about my arms falling off I don't think I could have done it."

Anya sighed, "Okay, well why don't we make a compromise? I understand that you don't want to eat breakfast, but we need to see you eating something at every meal. You are still very underweight, and while I understand that eating is hard for you, it's never going to get better if you don't try. So how about this? If you eat at least half of lunch and dinner, more if you can, then we can let you just have an ensure for breakfast. I know, you don't want to eat anything… but we can't let you do that. At least this way it will go down a bit easier. Does that sound doable?"

Harry made a face, he hated ensure, Sirius and Remus had made him drink them for those two weeks after his cuts got infected. But he had a feeling if he kept fighting they were just going to make a bigger deal about what he ate. "Would I still have to drink an ensure at dinner? They had one on my plate last night…"

Dr. Taylor thought for a moment, considering her options. "Well, that ensure was supposed to be a supplement, because we want you to gain weight we want you to be eating more than a boy of your age would eat. But perhaps we could retime that one? Make it a snack so that you don't get too overwhelmed at dinner?"

Harry sighed, but nodded. He was going to have to pick his battles over the next few days, and he knew they were right, he needed to gain weight.

After a moment of writing notes, presumably about the agreement they had reached with the food, Dr. Taylor changed the subject. "The other thing I wanted to talk to you about was sleeping, the nurses told me you didn't sleep very well last night…"

Harry shrugged "they knocked me out after I freaked out at group, so I think I actually slept more than normal."

Dr. Taylor frowned "Well what is it that normally keeps you up? When you aren't being sedated?"

Harry shrugged, not really wanting to get into it. "I have trouble falling asleep" He admitted "And I usually only sleep for a few hours before I wake up…. Then I usually don't want to go back to sleep."

She gave him a knowing look "Remus mentioned that you have nightmares?" Harry kind of shrugged, she already knew so there was no point in denying it. Seeing that he wasn't going to respond, Dr. Taylor continued. "Well, I want to try and help you to sleep better. Sleep is very important, and often people who have mental health problems notice they are worse when they haven't been sleeping well. I am going to prescribe you something to help you sleep, it's a sedative that has been known to help people who experience nightmares. I've also prescribed you a calming draught as needed, you can have it every two hours. If you wake up and are feeling upset because of a nightmare I want you to ask for it, okay?"

Harry nodded, he knew he would never ask, but there was no point in telling her that.


	14. Chapter 14

After he was done talking with Dr. Taylor Harry headed to his room. She had reminded him that Remus would be coming to visit this afternoon, and he wanted to read Sirius's letter and write a response before the next group. He had had to ask for paper and something to write with at the nurse's station, it had taken him almost ten minutes to get up the courage (Tom had been the one sitting there, which hadn't helped) but eventually he had gotten what he needed and hurried back to his room. He was terrified to read Sirius's letter, but he knew he had to get it over with.

 _'Pup,_

 _Oh Harry, first and foremost I want to tell you how incredibly proud I am of you._ '

That had not been what Harry had expected to read.

 _'I am so proud that you came to me that night, I know how hard it is to reach out when you've done something foolish, but I am so glad you did. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking this is a sign of weakness, or that you are a failure. You are so strong Harry, you saved your life. You did that, all by yourself. And I know it's because deep down you know that this is going to get better. And I promise you, it will. It's okay if it feels like it won't right now, I remember all too well being the scared, abused kid who was just waiting for everyone to let him down and prove they couldn't be trusted, but I assure you, it gets better._

 _'The next couple of days are going to be difficult, take it from someone who has seen the inside of Mungo's psych ward one too many times. But I encourage you to work your hardest while you are there. Make friends, even though it seems scary and pointless. These are people you may never see again, but they are also people who understand how you are feeling more than anyone else in the world. I met one of my best friends in the world in the very unit you are at right now. And years later, when she married my best friend, I was very thankful that she and I had given each other a chance all those years before._

 _Love you always, Padfoot.'_

Harry just stared at the note for a moment, _my mum was on a psych ward?_ He thought incredulously. _He didn't actually say that, but I'm sure he couldn't mean anyone else…_ Harry smiled, oddly comforted at the thought of a young Sirius sitting on this same unit, meeting his mum… Noticing that he only had ten minutes before the next group, he quickly grabbed the parchment and the felt tipped marker that Tom had given him (apparently actual pens were contraband here) and started writing.

OOO

The next group was art therapy, which Harry actually found to be kind of fun. It was a bit less structured than the other groups had been, and everyone was focusing on their own projects, so he didn't have as many eyes on him when he was asked to talk.

As soon as art therapy was over it was time for lunch. Harry sat next to Draco nervously, he knew that they would be paying close attention to how much he ate, and he really did want to make them happy, but it didn't do much to calm his nerves. Just before he started eating Jennifer appeared at his side, offering him a small vial that he immediately recognized as a calming draught.

"I thought this might help" She said kindly.

He wanted to refuse it, but he knew she was right. After the draught started to take effect, lunch went pretty well. He managed to eat about 3/4ths of the meal. And as soon as lunch was over visiting hours started.

The only thing that could describe Harry's reaction when Remus walked into the common room with a familiar shaggy black dog at his side was shock. "What are you doing?" He asked happily as he dropped to his knees and enveloped Sirius in a hug.

Remus grinned "Dr. Taylor made a point to let me know yesterday that they allow parents to bring in pet."

At the word 'pet' Padfoot shot Remus the most annoyed look that Harry had ever seen on a dog. And he couldn't help but laugh as he realized that his godfather was sporting a leash and color. Still kneeling next to him, Harry hugged him again and whispered "Thank you for the letter."

He sat and visited with Remus and Sirius for about twenty minutes. He had tried to ask Remus about what Sirius had said about his mom in the letter, but Remus didn't seem to know what he was talking about, and when Sirius put a paw on Harry's lap and gave him a meaningful look, Harry realized that Sirius had never told Remus about it.

For the most part they chatted about meaningless things, the weather and local quittach teams. Remus and Harry had all too much fun making jokes about their 'pet' dog, and all of the trouble he got into. Many of the patients were eager to pet Sirius, crowding around him eagerly. Remus saw immediately that this made Sirius uncomfortable, and shooed the kids away as nicely as he could. Although Sirius frequently appreciated attention and physical contact from Harry while in dog form, he wasn't terribly fond of it from others, especially strangers.

Soon Remus started glancing at the clock, they had to leave to go to a meeting with Harry's doctors soon. "Harry, I'm afraid we have to go soon, they are having a care team meeting at one that we have to be at. You look good though, are you eating enough?"

Harry blushed, still uncomfortable with the parental attention he got from Remus, but he nodded anyway. "Yeah, well I'm trying to."

Sirius jumped up, putting his front paws on Harry's lap, and pressed their foreheads together for a moment, then they both backed away. Promising to come say goodbye before they left the unit.

Harry took the pack of letters they had given him and headed to his room, feeling better than he had in weeks. _Maybe things will work out_.

As he walked into his room he nearly dropped the pack of letters. Draco was kneeling on the far side of his bed, retching into what looked like a plastic bag. Wrappers scattered the floor. Harry just stood there for a moment, not understanding what was happening. _Where did he get all this food? Why isn't he in the bathroom?_ He stood, fixed by the door, unsure what to do. Harry had never seen someone purge before, but he had gotten the sense from Draco that it was similar to cutting, something very private. Suddenly, he realized that Draco hadn't stopped when he came into the room, like Harry would have if someone found him cutting. And he hurried forward.

"Hey, stop… Draco stop!" He said firmly as he climbed over the bed, putting a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

This seemed to make Draco snap out of it, he ripped away from Harry's touch violently. "Leave me alone!" He shouted, but his voice was hoarse and raw, so it came out hardly a whisper.

Harry sighed "Draco… Come on you know you can't do this…" He glanced nervously at the door, wondering if he should just go get a nurse.

Draco sighed, slumping against the wall now, but still holding onto the small bag of vomit, which Harry found really gross. "I know… I know… please don't tell anyone Harry, it was stupid, it won't happen again… I've been doing so well…"

Harry just looked at him, unsure what to even say. This was his childhood nemesis, the bully who had made his life miserable for the three years he had been at Hogwarts. "Why..." he finally asked, feeling that Draco might feel better if they talked about it. He didn't really hate him, and he was starting to see that maybe Draco had only been mean to him because he was hurting.

Draco shrugged "I don't know… why do you slash your arms? I think part of being crazy is doing things that don't make sense."

Harry had moved from the bed now, sitting on the floor next to Draco, leaning against the wall so they didn't have to look at each other. "Draco, you are not crazy, I don't believe that for a minute."

"My dad does…" Draco shot back, revealing more than he had wanted to. "I've been in here for almost three weeks now… and he hasn't visited once. He never does, and he won't even let my mother write. They show up for the meetings and won't even look at me. And he knows how to say all the right things, everyone here knows that he hates me, but they can't do anything about it."

Harry sighed, _parents suck_ he thought to himself. "So that's why you…"

Draco nodded slowly, finally dropping the bag of vomit onto the floor. "yeah, that's why… it started when I ten… I had gotten a poor mark in school, before Hogwarts of course, I went to a private grammar school for wealthy magical children. But we all still lived at home. And I had gotten a low mark, it was on a maths test… I was normally good at math but I hadn't been sleeping well, and I knew when I came home that my father would be furious. My mum made me tell him when he got home, right before dinner. As punishment I wasn't allowed to have my dinner, but I had to sit there, with the full plate in front of me, and listen to him tell me off. That night after they went to bed I snuck down stairs and gorged myself on anything I could find in the kitchen. Once I was done I panicked, they were going to know, because food would be missing. I don't know why I thought throwing it all up would fix anything, but it did. Suddenly I felt empty, and nothing mattered. They didn't notice of course, because neither of them cook. The house keeper must have noticed, but I think she felt bad for me so she didn't say anything."

Draco paused biting his lip and daring to glance at Harry before continuing. "I didn't get caught until uncle Sev found me, the summer before first year… I'm sorry I was so awful to you Harry… I don't know why I did it, but I wasn't in a very good place then. Anyway, I've had problems off and on since then, it gets bad whenever I go home, and every so often my electrolytes get off enough that I get really sick and Uncle Severus makes them bring me to the hospital, then I spend a few weeks in here and go home. They want me to go to a residential treatment place, but my father won't hear of it. He thinks I just do it for attention, and that would be giving me what I want."

Harry sighed, realizing that he and Draco weren't so different after all. At least what Uncle Vernon had done was bad enough for him to get taken away. "I didn't start cutting until I came to Hogwarts." It was a random thing to say, but he figured that Draco had just shared so much, he should do the same… show him that it was okay or whatever. "It seems so strange, I really thought I was okay until I came into the magical world. I think it was a horrible mix of suddenly being the center of attention, when I had spent my entire life trying to be invisible, and realizing how different my life could have been. I didn't cut before coming to Hogwarts, but I did try to kill myself… When I was about nine… Well I was going to anyway, but Vernon found the pills before I could. I had stolen them from the medicine cabinet, so of course he was furious. He told me that I didn't get to decide when I was going to die, that was _his job_. He beat me within an inch of my life anyway, and for a brief moment I thought he would kill me then. I was out of school for three days, and people started to notice, so he made me go… even though I could barely walk. That was the closest I ever came to telling someone, I was sure he would kill me one day. But I didn't think anyone would believe me."

Draco shook his head "That's messed up… I'm sorry Harry."

Harry shrugged "Don't be, he wasn't." Then after a moment added "Maybe one day we can lock the two of the in a room… See what happens."

Draco laughed, I've never met your uncle, but I imagine that would be pretty entertaining…." He gave Harry another glance. "You're going to tell on me aren't you?" he sighed.

Harry shook his head "No, you are." When Draco gave him a look of complete panic he sighed "I'll go with you if you want, but you have to tell them. They are going to find out anyway. And that's why we're here right, 'to learn how to ask for help'"

Both boys laughed at that, and the Harry helped Draco up, he seemed a bit dizzy, but he got his footing quickly. They walked to the nurse's station together and Draco nervously asked to talk to Jennifer. Harry smiled encouragingly as they headed into one of the exam rooms.

OOO

Sirius transformed nervously after the conference room door shut. Remus had assured him that this was safe, but it was hard to shake the feeling it might be a trap when you had been on the for so long. They spent about thirty minutes talking with Harry's doctors, and listening to them talk to each other, about their plan for him. Dr. Taylor wanted Harry to stay on the unit for a week, she said that he was making progress, but she wanted to monitor him for a bit longer, hopefully work on his sleeping and eating a bit more before discharging him. Once the meeting was over people started to file out, and Sirius transformed back into his dog form, but Dr. Taylor asked him and Remus to stay for a moment.

When he had yet again transformed, she explained that she had been thinking about his situation. "Did you know that there are new protocols in place for retrials? When you were put into azkanban you weren't even given a trial… I would be willing to vouch for you, if you would like to clear your name."

Sirius just stared at her, but Remus seemed a bit more composed. "What are you talking about? We have no proof that he didn't do it… It's too big a risk…"

Dr. Taylor shook her head "In a fair trial, Sirius could agree to take vertisem, they aren't allowed to force it except in certain cases, but you can still volunteer. It would be done in a controlled environment, and they don't show the whole thing at the trial, just the parts that are pertinent to the case. If you are innocent, which I believe you are, it would be virtually risk free. You could be a free man Sirius. I think Harry really deserves the best life we can give him, and I think getting your name cleared, so that the three of you aren't living in the shadows all the time, would be a huge step in doing that."

Sirius chewed his lip, unsure what to say. It made sense, of course… but he didn't particularly trust the ministry. "It would be risk free? You're sure? Not just in theory, but with me… When I broke out they were ready to set dementors on me without so much as a question."

nodded "I know, and when that happened I thought about it a lot, I didn't know you of course, but it seemed wrong. Recently they have been rewriting a lot of the laws that allowed for things to happen the way that they did right after the war. With your permission I would like to reach out to Dumbledore, to have him vouch for you as well. But it really is risk free. I personally grantee if they try to do anything other than by the book I will storm the ministry myself."

Sirius smiled, _I could be free… really free._ "I'll do it," he said rashly "But promise me you won't tell Harry, not until it's over. I don't want him to worry."

OOO

Dr. Taylor worked quickly, and they had an appointment at the ministry the very next morning. Sirius was a mess, almost backing out at least six times before Remus could get him through the door. Remus was nervous too, but Dumbledore had assured them that it was as safe as Dr. Taylor had told them. Remus had been tempted to question why Dumbledore hadn't said anything about it to them, but he didn't let that ruin it for him. His friend was going to be free, and that was all that mattered.

They wouldn't let Remus go in with him, but Dr. Taylor was there (the ministry was required to have a doctor present, and she had volunteered). And once they had finished Remus was allowed to sit with Sirius while they waited for the serum to wear off. Dumbledore had warned them that the tapes would be reviewed by the auror department before they decided to go to trial. But within an hour of the interview Tonks came bursting into the room to announce the good news, he had been cleared.

Sirius, still under the influence of the serum, shot up "Yipppeee!" He cried as he lifted the young auror into the air. "Oh… Sorry, that was inappropriate… I could kiss you Tonks! But I should let Remus do that!" He sent a non-too subtle wink towards his friend. They helped him to sit back down as he mumbled "Mooney and Tonks sitting in a tree, she likes him but he's too dense to see."

Remus blushed "I think the serum has made him a bit crazy…" He said awkwardly.

Tonks blushed too.

"NO!" Sirius said emphatically "It hasn't made me crazy, it's made me sane! Everyone should take this stuff… it would be so much easier if we could all just be honest. We want to, but sometimes you need help. Like you Mooney! You want to tell Tonks how you feel, but your stupid adult brain is getting in the way. But obviously you like each other. AND ITS STUPID NOT TO BE TOGETHER!" He was trying to get up again now, shouting excitedly "You love each other! And life is too short to ignore love!"

Just then Dr. Taylor came in and saved them both by giving him a sedative. "I think we'll let him sleep that off before he incriminates anyone." she said with a laugh.

OOO

Harry couldn't believe how quickly the week had gone by, and how much had changed. He had nearly fainted when Sirius had walked onto the unit, in human form. But everything was finally looking up. Sirius was free, and now he and Remus were both his legal guardians. They had even talked about renting a house somewhere, getting away from Grimuald, now that Sirius didn't need to hide there. He had had his last care team meeting; the one Harry had been asked to attend. And they had a good plan in place to help him stay safe when he went home, which was going to be tomorrow.

Draco had gone home the day before, and while he and Harry had promised not to reveal their friendship when at Hogwarts, Harry was very glad they had gotten to know each other.

His room had been empty since Draco had left, but now the nurse, Karen, was leading in a new boy. A very rough looking teen who Harry guessed was a year or so older than him. Karen introduced him as 'Stevie'.

"And this is your roommate, Harry. He will be leaving tomorrow, but I'm sure he can show you around and help you get adjusted tonight." Karen said brightly.

'Stevie' gave Harry a disgusted look of recognition that sent shivers down his spine. "You're the boy that's been in the prophet all week! Harry Potter, the one who's uncle was … abusing him…" He turned to Karen angrily "I'm not staying in this room, you can't make me room with some fag, it's not right!"

Karen and Harry were both shocked, but Harry recovered before Karen did. Rushing at the boy, despite that fact that he was almost a head taller than Harry, and punching him repeatedly. "How dare you? You have no idea who I am!" His screams turned wordless as they blended in with Karen's shouts, and the crowd gathering to watch.

Before Harry knew it, he was being dragged away from Stevie (who had landed a few good punches himself) and marched out of his room. Harry was sure they were going to stick him in seclusion, they probably should have. But Tom (Who had him firmly by the arm) guided him into one of the exam rooms instead.

Has Harry felt angrily into one of the chairs Tom said, "Wait here and don't do anything stupid." then left, closing the door behind him.

Harry did as he was told, listening to the commotion outside as it settled down. He knew he had really messed up, they probably weren't going to let him leave tomorrow now… But Harry was more worried about what the other boy had _said "You're the boy they've been talking about in the prophet all week_ " It made him feel sick to his stomach _. Everyone knows… they all know what that bastard did to me… Oh my gosh, I can never show my face in public… I'll never be able to go back to Hogwarts… Oh gosh…_ He was about half way through a panic attack when Tom returned, offering him an ice pack for his rapidly swelling eye, and waiting patiently until Harry had calmed down a bit.

"That was really stupid Harry." Tom said quietly, once he could see Harry was breathing normally again.

Harry sighed "I know… but what was I supposed to do… He called me a…" he couldn't bring himself to say the word.

Tom sighed too "Not hit him, you were supposed to not hit him Harry. What have we been teaching you all week, how to ask for help, to let the adults help you. We would have dealt with Stevie, you didn't have to hit him."

Harry bit his lip, thankful that he had the ice pack on his eye, it gave him a good excuse to not look at Tom. "They all know…" He barely whispered "he said it's been in the prophet all week… the entire wizarding world knows what my uncle did."

Tom took a deep breath, giving Harry a very sad look "I know kid, and I'm so sorry… it's not fair, you've been through so much, you deserved to have your privacy respected… and it wasn't. But you can't just beat up everyone who read the daily prophet this week."

Harry nodded "I know… I'm not sorry I hit him though, that guy is a prick."

This made Tom laugh "Look, we are going to move him to a different room, and we've told him to stay away from you, I want you to do the same. He isn't worth it Harry, you're going home tomorrow… don't let some prick ruin that."

Harry smiled "I'm still going home?"

Tom smiled back "I would think so, obviously we do not condone fighting, but I think we can appreciate the extenuating circumstances here. We'll tell your guardians about it, and they can deal with it how they see fit."

Now Harry was really grinning, he could imagine how they would respond. Sirius would be proud of him, might even offer to help him next time. And Remus would try to be serious, to tell him firmly that fighting was not the answer. But neither of them would really be mad.


	15. Chapter 15

Okay, so this is where I considered stopping the story. I am going to keep going because I really enjoy writing it, but if you're sick of reading this is a good place to stop. After this I will be writing all new stuff so updates will take a bit longer. Enjoy the fluff!

The next day Harry headed home, when he walked up to his room to put away his things he was surprised by a banner and many beautiful magically enhanced cards. But there was something else waiting for him there too, a stack of letters piled high on his desk. Sirius, who had followed him up, shrugged as Harry gestured to them. "They started coming in after the story broke in the Prophet. They're addressed to you, so we didn't read them."

Harry held one of the letters in his hand, Stevie's words came to mind ' _You can't make me stay in a room with some fag'…_ He picked up all the letters and shoved them into the lowest drawer of his desk. He glanced up at Sirius, who was regarding him with a concerned look, but said nothing.

Harry turned back to the banner and the cards "It was nice of everyone to do this" He commented, noticing that cards from Fred and George seemed to have bewitched their cards the flash alternating words, together they read "Get well Soon" and "We're glad you're not dead" He laughed.

Sirius nodded, "Harry I wanted to talk to you about something…" He said as he took a seat at Harry's desk.

Harry gave him a worried look, coming to sit on his bed nervously. Recently it seemed whenever anyone needed to talk to him it was about something bad. "What's up Sir?"

Sirius smiled, he liked that Harry had picked up Remus's nick name for him. He reminded him more of his father every day. "Well, the day after you were hospitalized, when we talked to the Weasley's and Hermione about what had happened, something came up." He and Remus had warned Harry while he was still in hospital that they had had to tell his friends about what happened. "Ginny told us, and her parents, that she knew you had been cutting… She told us that she has been cutting herself as well."

Harry sucked in a quick breath, glancing nervously at Sirius. "Are they mad?"

Sirius frowned, he thought that was a strange question for Harry to ask. "Of course not, Harry Molly and Arthur love Ginny, they want to help her." After a second thought he added "They have never hurt Ginny, have they?"

Harry shook his head quickly "No! they aren't like that… I meant…. Are they mad at me? Because I didn't tell anyone what Ginny was doing?"

Now Sirius nodded in understand "Of course not Harry, we all understand that it was a very tricky situation… and while I wish you would have spoken up about what both of you were going through sooner, I understand that you weren't ready. I only wanted to talk to you about Ginny because even though I understand why you didn't tell, I want you to promise me that if you ever find out someone is harming themselves, or being harmed by someone else, I want you to promise me you will tell an adult. I know it's hard, especially when they are your friend and they ask you not to. But these kinds of problems aren't supposed to be placed on kids, and you've been dealing with adult problems for far too long."

Harry thought about Draco, about what he had told him about his father. _But he said he doesn't hurt him… and the hospital already knows… I don't think there is anything they can do about it._ "Okay" he promised, not really feeling comforted by his thoughts of Draco, but Sirius was changing the subject.

"Your Hogwarts letter came yesterday! We've already coordinated with the Weasley's and agreed to meet them in Diagon Ally for lunch tomorrow. They will be going shopping afterwards, but Remus and I thought you might rather go before, when it's a bit less crowded, just the three of us."

Harry could only imagine the headlines "Boy who lived to go crazy shops with ex con godfather and werewolf" He sighed, "Can't we just order my stuff to the house? Or ask the Weasleys to pick it up for me? I don't really want to deal with all the fuss…"

Sirius sighed, he had had the same argument with Remus, but Moony seemed to think that the longer Harry and Sirius hid from the press the worse it would get. "I think we'd best just get it over with. Or at least Remus thinks we should… I'm with you on this one… but he's probably right. And he said the ministry has offered to send an Auror with us, to arrest anyone who gets out of line. They seem to think that if they lay down the law now it will keep the vultures at bay."

Harry sighed, smiling a bit at Sirius's joke "Well I hope they send Tonks, she's my favorite."

Sirius waggled his eye brows mischievously at his godson "I think you're not the only one with that opinion" he said with a smirk.

Harry laughed, and Sirius smiled, it was good to see Harry laugh again… not that he had seen it much before. As a baby he had always been smiling though.

Taking a deep breath Sirius continued, hoping to get all of the talking over with so that they could relax for the rest of the evening. "I also wanted to tell you something else."

Harry rolled his eyes "Sirius I was only gone a week, what else could there be?" Then, trying to hide a look of horror he added "My uncle is still in jail, right?"

Sirius nodded quickly "Of course, they haven't sentenced him yet, but I promise you Harry he will be there for a long time." When Harry's face calmed Sirius continued "I wanted to tell you about a good thing… or at least it's supposed to be a good thing, I'm not totally sold yet." He laughed at himself, then continued, he just needed to spit it out. "Your doctor, the one who helped me clear my name… afterwards I had a nice chat with her, and she suggested that I see a therapist. She thinks that considering everything I've been through in the past fifteen years, it could really help… and it would make me a good role model for you or something like that. I wasn't sold on the idea at first, but I talked it over with Remus for a long time, and I saw the person she recommended yesterday… I am going to keep going, at least for a while. I don't particularly like it, I think you and I are pretty similar in that sense. But I wanted you to know, because there is no shame in being in therapy, and we all have demons that we have to fight, so you're not alone, okay?"

Harry smiled, he could see that Sirius was rambling because he was uncomfortable, so he flung himself at his godfather and gave him a big hug "I think that's great Sirius, and thank you for telling me."

OOO

The next morning was tense. Sirius was in a bad mood, having been woken up well before his normal time, and Harry had been so nervous that he insisted he couldn't stomach any breakfast. He and Remus (Sirius was not quite awake enough to take part in the argument) had finally compromised on an ensure and a cup of coffee. Remus had looked at the breakfast and been sure he was the worst parent in the world, so to make up for it he had forced Sirius to eat some toast with his coffee. This hadn't accomplished much, other than making everyone frustrated and angry by the time they were to leave the house.

As they gathered in the living room Remus couldn't help but think how everyone thought Harry looked exactly like his father, but Remus saw the spitting image of his best friend in the young teen. They were both irrational, and very stubborn.

Once they arrived at diagon ally Sirius and Harry agreed to be in a better mood, conspiring behind Remus's back that if the press was going to make a spectacle of them, Harry and Sirius would give them something to write about. Sirius spent the whole morning grabbing Remus's butt and pecking his cheek, calling him "honey" as loudly as he could. While Harry laughed and introduced them to shop keepers as "his dads"

Remus was mortified, but didn't protest all that much because he liked seeing his two favorite people enjoying themselves for once.

The press was awful, they followed them everywhere. At first, they crowded around them asking rude questions, but Tonks quickly put an end to that, and instead they followed them around, giving them a perimeter of about ten feet in which to move, and constantly taking pictures.

When it was finally time to meet the rest of the group for lunch Harry was getting tired, so they agreed to go to an indoor pub where they could put some space between them and the cameras.

It was great to see his friends again. At first, they all hugged him tightly, speaking in hushed voices as if he was still in the hospital. But after Harry made a joke about how he was cursed to be "the boy who lived" even when he was trying to die, everyone calmed down a bit. He and Ginny didn't get much time to chat, in the craziness of it all, but he managed to pull her aside for a moment.

"Hey," he said as he grabbed her arm, covered by a dark purple long sleeve shirt "How are you doing?"

She smiled, a kind of resigned smile that Harry was all too familiar with. "I'm alright, my parents took all my razors, and they seem to follow me around everywhere… but I'm doing my best. I met my therapist the other day, I think it's the same one you're seeing…. Lou?"

Harry nodded "Yeah, she's pretty nice…"

Ginny nodded "It doesn't seem horrible… I'll just be glad when school starts and everyone calms down a bit."

Harry nodded in agreement "Well I'm glad you're okay… who would of thought, the two of us actually getting healthy and crap?"

Ginny laughed, and they rejoined the group. As they sat around the large lunch table the pub had let them use (one in a private dining room, away from prying eyes). Sirius was loudly telling stories about his school days, which of course fascinated the boys as much as it horrified Molly. For a moment, Harry smiled, not to anyone, so that they would worry about him, but just to himself. Maybe this year really would be different, maybe everything would actually be better now.

OOO

The next day the daily prophet ran a tear jerker story about how the orphaned chosen one had finally found his nonconventional family. Sirius and Harry thought it was hysterical, Remus laughed too, but tried to give them each a stern look. Giving the press something to write about wasn't going to make them leave the story alone. But at least Harry was laughing.

Harry had been bustling around his room packing for almost an hour when Remus came in to check on him. "How's it going kid?" He asked kindly as he flopped onto Harry's bed to survey the teen's progress.

Harry shrugged, carelessly throwing a pile of balled up shirts into his trunk. "I'm almost done. Sirius promised me we could play a game of quittich when he gets home from therapy."

Remus laughed, standing to look into Harry's trunk. "Harry, none of these clothes are folded! They don't even look clean!" He started

Harry shrugged "The elves will wash them when I get to school, no point in washing them now."

Remus shook his head "Does Ron's mum let him go back to school like this?"

Harry blushed "No, but Ron's mum is… well a mum!"

Remus was pulling all of Harry's clothes back out of the trunk now, they had bought him more (winter clothes, dress clothes, a proper jacket and the like) the day before. Harry hadn't gained as much weight as Remus had hoped he would this summer, but the boy needed clothes for school. The ministry was giving Sirius a huge sum of money to not sue them for wrongful imprisonment, so they decided not to worry about it. "Well you've two dads now" he said with a laugh "And just think of the stories the prophet would conjure up if they see you in wrinkled and dirty clothes."

Harry rolled his eyes "But now you've completely unpacked me!"

Remus shrugged "Sirius and I can help you pack back up after we wash them, don't worry you can still play quittch before dinner. Bring that pile down stairs and help me get the washer started."

They had a beautiful last evening, Sirius came home from therapy ready to work out some of his energy, and Harry was pleased to find that his godfather was an excellent quittich player. They didn't have enough people for a real game, so they spent most of the evening showing off their flying skills, while Harry put himself through a few drills with a dummy snitch Sirius had given him.

They ate dinner on the back porch, laughing and talking smack about the game. And after dinner was cleaned up they gathered in front of the TV to watch one of Harry's favorite movies while they all worked to fold his laundry. Harry couldn't help but think about how different his life had become in just a few short months.

OOO

As he crawled into bed that night, Sirius and Remus came in to say good night. "You going to be alright kid?" Sirius asked softly "Tomorrow is going to be a pretty big day."

Harry nodded, not wanting to admit he was worried about going back to school. He had never been afraid to go back to Hogwarts before.

Remus smiled and perched on Harry's desk. "It's okay to be nervous Harry, you've had a lot of change this summer."

Harry shrugged "Yeah… I guess I'm kind of scared… I don't want Hogwarts to change too. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy about most of the changes. I love living here, and having you two be my guardians, even when you are a pain." He stuck his tongue out at Sirius and laughed. "But, Hogwarts has been the only good thing in my life for so long, the only safe place I had. And now it's a little like my life is upside down. Being here with you guys, it's the safest I've ever felt at home… but Hogwarts, with everyone knowing about what happened… It's scary." Harry's mind flashed to Stevie from the adolescent unit.

Sirius nodded in understanding "I'm sorry kid, I know this is going to be hard. But Hogwarts is still the same magical place it has always been. It will always be a safe place for its students. No one can take that from you. And it's going to be hard, but you don't have to do it alone this time, okay kid?"

Remus nodded "We are right here for you, night or day. If you are having problems all you have to do is floo home for a cuppa."

Harry smiled, he hadn't thought of that. He gave them each a quick hug and then said good night.


	16. Chapter 16

Okay, sorry for the long hiatus! Work got a bit insane and I was kind of emotionally exhausted from my life so I didn't have any energy to put towards this story. I also want to apologize if the next couple chapters aren't as good as the rest of the story has been. I am a pretty impatient writer, so my idea for the next part of the story needs a bit of set up, and I don't like writing it. I'm doing my best to still make it good, but bear with me.

Thank you to all those who've reviewed, this story is really personal for me, and for a while I was really nervous about sharing it, so hearing that people are enjoying it means a lot!

Platform 9 3/4 was packed, and Harry was pretty sure some of the 'parents' standing around were actually reporters. But he did his best to ignore them. Remus and Sirius were standing by him, and The Weasleys were not far off, he could hear Mr. and Mrs. Weasley talking to Ginny, looking very emotional. He gave her a pained smile, and she laughed.

Remus was practically wringing his hands. "You've got all your things, right? All your books?"

Harry nodded "You only checked them three times before we left." This earned a smirk from Sirius.

"And you remember the plan?" Remus asked, ignoring his friends sass.

'The Plan' was what they had come up with while Harry was still in hospital. It was set up to help Harry reach out if he needed help, and keep an eye on him at school. But Harry wasn't exactly thrilled with it. He was very used to being on his own at school, and the idea of having people check up on his seemed a lot like smothering. He was on several medications now, but Sirius and Remus decided they didn't really trust him to take them all on his own. (Or rather, they didn't trust him not to take them all at once). So, he had to stop by the hospital wing and get them from Poppy each morning before breakfast, and at night before bed. He would also check in with her every other week to see how he was putting on weight, but at least he had convinced Remus he didn't need to keep drinking those disgusting protein drinks.

He would also keep seeing Lou, once a week on Friday afternoons. After which he would floo home to have dinner with Sirius and Remus. Harry had balked at this too, but they had reminded him that lots of kids visited their parents during school. He was all too aware that they could have kept him home from Hogwarts completely, so he finally agreed.

The train was going to be leaving soon. "Yes Remus, I remember the plan, and if I don't you wrote it out for me and gave a copy to Snape. I'm going to be fine."

Remus gave him a tight hug, then Sirius followed suit.

"Good luck!" They both called as he hurried away to board. He had seen Hermione and Ron slip onto the train a few minutes before, so he hoped they had already found seats.

As he hurried onto the crowded train he could feel the eyes on him. It wasn't the same as having the press follow him, or even the sympathetic looks adults seemed to give him on the platform. Now, surrounded by other teens, the eyes were gawking, mistrusting, and judging. They seemed to say _We know, we know what happened to you, you freak!_ Harry kept his head down, trying to hurry through the hall and find the car holding his friends. But that plan back fired when he ran head first into another boy. "Sorry" he mumbled, not looking up.

"What the heck, oh… it's _you"_

Harry froze at the voice, it was the same voice that had been taunting him since he had left the hospital.

"Wow Potter, it's like you have a crush on me or something. Can't seem to stay away!" The boy continued "If you're not careful I'll have to go tell an adult. This is practically sexual harassment."

Harry's face was burning, he still didn't look up. "Leave me alone Stevie, I'm just trying to get to my car." He said firmly.

But now Stevie's friends had taken notice. They were all turning to look at Harry. "I'm sure glad I'm not a Gryfendor" one of them commented to another "I wouldn't feel safe sleeping in the same dorm as him, you never know what people like that are going to do…"

The boy's friend shrugged "My mum says he's making it all up, that he's probably just a messed-up kid. His relatives didn't look that bad."

Harry felt the knot in his chest tightening, he knew he was going to do something rash, but he didn't really care too much. Just then Draco walked up behind him. "Have we got a problem here?" He asked loudly.

This got the attention of several older gryfendors, including Fred and George. George came up right next to Harry, Stevie a menacing look "You aren't bothering my friend here are you?"

Stevie barked a laughed "What Potter, you let snakes and traitors stick up for you now?"

Draco lunged forward, coming up right behind Harry "At least we have some honor, why don't you go get stoned Steven?" He shot back at the Hufflepuff.

Stevie laughed "Honor? Hardly Malfoy. But you're in luck, seems like scumbags like you are Harry's type. Just be careful, his last boyfriend ended up in jail."

No one said anything, they all just seemed to know, as a group, that it was time. Wands were drawn as if a silent signal had gone out, and hexes were flying through the train. Harry opted to lunge at Stevie. Beating someone's face in with your fists was much more satisfying anyway. Soon the rest of the Gryfendor and Slytherin had followed his lead, and the brawl turned into a vicious mix of hexes and punches.

The brawl was completely out of control within minutes. But unknown to the students, Dumbledore had decided to have the house heads ride the train this year, anticipating that something might happen.

Four adults against twenty or so fighting teenagers was still a bit much though. Snape bellowed loudly for all the Slytherins who valued their Saturdays to stop immediately, but no one listened. It was McGonagall who finally cast a spell that made a loud crack sound through the train, freezing everyone in their place for a full minute.

"This will stop at once!" She said sternly, her voice echoing through the very suddenly quiet train. "The person who throws the next punch will spend the rest of the term in detentions with _me_. Now, when you are able to move again you will all sit on the floor calmly and wait until you are told to move a muscle. Am I understood?" As if on cue, the spell lifted, slowly. Harry felt as though his arms were filled with lead. Following his house head's instructions, he pushed himself from the middle of the aisle, where he had been about to land another punch on Stevie's face, and sat with his back against the wall.

The Gryffindors seemed to follow his lead, Slytherins were next, following Draco, and the assortment of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws who were left slowly started to move back as well.

For a moment no one spoke at all, then McGonagall spoke again. "Would anyone like to enlighten me as to who started this?" She asked sternly.

No one spoke, but she must have noticed that Harry and Draco had been the first to move. "Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy, why is it that whenever there is trouble you two always seem to be at the center of it?" Harry couldn't meet her gaze, he could feel his neck turning red.

McGonagall didn't seem to expect a reply though, she continued "you two follow me please, it seems you cannot be trusted to ride the train unsupervised. The rest of you, if you can make it to a carriage without punching someone, please do so. The heads have taken account of who was involved, and I can assure you that punishments will be handed out when we arrive at school."

People were starting to move, nursing wounds and looking like dogs caught eating the Sunday roast, they disappeared into carriages as quickly as they could find them. Soon Draco and Harry were the only ones left.

They stood slowly and followed their professors into what seemed to be the teachers section of the train. Minerva motioned them into an empty room and instructed them both to take a seat. "I trust I can leave you alone for a minute and find you both in one piece when I return?" She asked coldly. When both boys nodded she turned around and shut the door tightly.

Harry bit his lip, not looking up at Draco "you shouldn't have gotten involved Draco, your father is going to kill you."

Draco rolled his eyes, one of which was rapidly turning purple, and starting to swell. "Harry, I wasn't going to let that jerk talk to you that way. I would have done the same thing for any other kid on this train."

Now Harry turned to his friend "Really?"

Draco nodded "I know we aren't Gryfendors, who jump head first into any fight there is to be had, but Slytherin prides itself in sticking up for kids who've been abused. No one deserves to be treated like they are less of a human being because someone decided to hurt them." Now Draco was looking away, "For a lot of us, it's personal. Something about our house seems to attract kids who've been through that kind of thing."

Harry nodded "Snape said something about that." For the first time, Harry wondered how his life would have been different if he had been sorted into slytherin, like the sorting hat wanted. Would his abuse have been discovered sooner? What must it be like to be in a house full of people who understand how you feel. "Thank you" He finally said.

Draco nodded "Who was that kid, he seemed to know you…"

Harry shrugged "I met him once, didn't go well."

Draco didn't push him, but he gave Harry a knowing look.

Just then McGonagall and Snape came in, arms folded and looking cross. Minerva took the lead "Alright, let's have it." She said in an annoyed voice "What were you two fighting about this time?"

Harry said nothing, staring at the floor and trying to pretend he was somewhere else. It was almost a reflex when he got into trouble.

Draco spoke up quickly "We weren't fighting Professor, I swear!"

Snape rolled his eyes "We saw both of you, Draco you've got a black eye, you really expect us to believe that?"

Draco scowled "No, I mean we weren't fighting each other! I know it's hard to believe, but we were on the same side…"

McGonagall didn't look like she was going to buy this, but Snape relaxed a bit, sitting across from the two teens. "Okay, what were you fighting about?" He asked, although he could already guess. He knew his house's tendency to defend abuse victims, and he was almost proud that they had been willing to stand up for a Gryffindor.

Draco looked at Harry, expecting him to explain.

Harry shrugged "It was nothing, stupid." He muttered.

Draco groaned "Oh come on Harry, don't be ridiculous." He turned to Snape. "I don't know the whole story, I only stepped in when I saw an older Hufflepuff bothering Harry. It seemed like they knew each other. He was saying awful things about Harry… Making fun of him because of" Draco paused, glancing cautiously at Harry "What happened to him." He finished awkwardly.

Snape nodded "Okay, what was this Hufflepuff's name?" He asked sternly.

Harry shot Draco a look and shook his head slightly.

Snape sighed, noticing that Minerva had gone strangely silent. "Harry, we can't help you if you don't tell us who it was. This kind of behavior is completely unacceptable, and it sounds like this isn't the first time this boy has bothered you. If he is bullying you, we can help."

Harry shook his head again "It doesn't matter Severus" He said quietly, realizing too late that he had called his professor by his first name. Snape didn't seem to mind, but Draco and Professor McGonagall looked shocked. "I don't want a big fuss, if I ignore him he will leave me alone."

Draco snorted "Did that work with your uncle?" After a sharp look from Severus he apologized "Sorry Harry, I wasn't thinking." When Harry shrugged he continued "It was Steven, a Hufflepuff the year above us. I don't know his last name."

Harry whirled on Draco "Hey!" He said sharply.

But Draco didn't seem to regret what he had said "He is right Harry, this guy needs to pay for what he did. And while the entire house of Slytherin will be happy to throw punches for you any time you need us, I'd rather not spend the entire term in detention. If I'm going to get detention it should be for something worth it, not for that idiot."

Snape let out a chuckle, but admonished them both "Fighting is not the answer, next time someone is bothering you, find an adult and let them deal with it. Okay?"

Harry and Draco both nodded.

Minerva still looked a bit annoyed "I know you two were doing something noble, but we cannot condone fighting. I cannot speak for the head of Slytherin, but Harry I will see you in detention every Sunday afternoon for the rest of the month. Understood?"

Harry nodded. Snape gave Draco a similar punishment, then moved to leave the car. "I think it would be best if the two of you stayed here for the rest of the ride. We don't need another riot. But I promise that Stevie will be dealt with."

Draco and harry nodded, settling into the carriage, they didn't have much more time before they got to Hogwarts anyway.

Draco smiled "So how have you been? Were you on the unit for much longer after I left?"

Harry shook his head "Nah, I left two days later. I've been good, everything has actually been pretty great up until today. Sirius got his name cleared… and everything has been pretty calm at home. How have you been?"

Draco shrugged "Happy to be heading back to school."

Harry nodded sadly, he understood the sentiment. He didn't bother asking how things were at home, it was pretty clear that Draco didn't want to talk about it.

"So what's with you calling uncle Sev by his first name?" Draco teased "I didn't realize you two were that close."

Harry laughed "Yeah, we weren't until this summer… I started going over to his lab every day to help him with his stores… That's where I got the dreamless sleep that I…." He blushed.

Draco's face was priceless "You stole dreamless sleep from uncle Severus to kill yourself with? Oh, that's bad dumb right there…"

Harry laughed "Yeah, he was pretty mad… still is I think… I haven't been since I got out of the hospital. I was supposed to be able to help him this semester, I guess he has some advanced students who work on private projects with him… but I'm not sure he will let me now."

Draco's eyes couldn't have gotten any wider "He invited you to that? There are only like three of us, and it's all Slytherins who are really advanced… I didn't think you were any good at potions…"

Harry shrugged "yeah, I wasn't exactly applying myself… That's how it all started I guess, Remus and Sirius dumped me with Snape while they were talking to Dumbledore about me, and I let slip that I knew a potion he hadn't taught yet. I think he was actually pretty mad that I had been pretending not to know things… but he was pretty nice about it."

Draco smiled "well I hope he still lets you come, you'd be a fun addition to the group."

OOOOO

Hermione and Ron were waiting for him as soon as he got off the train. Hermione's hair looked tussled, and Ron was sporting a fat lip. The twins stood nearby as well, with matching black eyes. Ginny seemed to be the only one who wasn't marked, before Harry could ask if she had avoided the fight she said, "I was part of it, some of us just know how to handle ourselves in a brawl" Harry laughed as she cast pointed glances at her brothers.

Draco had walked off the train with Harry, but was hanging back a bit. He didn't want to intrude on Harry and his friends, but he wanted to make sure Harry was okay. Once Harry noticed he was still there he smiled awkwardly. "This doesn't make us friends, but just know that Slytherin has your back, okay Potter?"

Harry nodded, giving Draco a meaningful look. "Thanks Malfoy."

Draco nodded curtly "Try not to kill yourself again Potter" He said with a smirk "I don't want Gryffindor winning the house cup out of sympathy this year." Then sauntered off.

Harry laughed and shook his head, hurrying to the carriages with his friends.

He was very thankful for the Weasleys as they walked into the great hall, flanking him, daring anyone who looked at them to say something. But they couldn't keep people from staring. Of course, it wasn't the first time everyone had stared at Harry as he walked into a room, but this time it felt different. He could feel the heat rising up on his neck. _They all know… They all know what happened to me… they think I'm some weak little freak who can't stand up for himself…_ He kept his head down and walked quickly to their house's table.

The sorting seemed to take forever, but at least people's attention was focused on someone other than him. Then Dumbledore got up to give the start of term speech. Harry didn't hear much, until at the very end of the speech Dumbledore announced. "In light of recent events within our community, we will be implementing a mandatory physical for each student at the beginning of each school year. The house heads will coordinate when each of their years should report to the hospital wing for their exam. Thank you, and let's eat!"

Harry thought he might die, food was appearing all around him, but all he could see were the annoyed glances of his fellow students.

After dinner, Harry and his friends started the long trek up to Gryffindor tower. They had just made it out of the great hall when McGonagall intercepted them.

"Mister Potter, I need to speak to you for a moment."

Harry gulped "Can't it wait until tomorrow professor?" He asked, glancing nervously at his friends. "I'm pretty tired and I want to be well rested for the first day of classes." It was a lie of course, but it was all he could think of in the moment.

"I'm afraid not Harry, Madam Pomfrey needs to see you, she wants to check on your injuries from the incident on the train. And when I wrote to your guardians about what happened, they insisted on floo'ing over to speak to you themselves." She gave him a slightly sympathetic look.

Harry could feel his face getting hot. He turned to his friends and waved them off "I'll catch up in a bit guys" He said more brightly than he felt. Remus and Sirius were going to be furious, it was barely even the first day of school and he had already caused a fight. _Actually,_ He thought with a smirk _Remus will be furious, Sirius might even be proud._

Once they had veered off the path of students making their way through the castle and to their common rooms, McGonagall started to speak.

"Harry, I first want to apologize for not having realized sooner what you were going through. I am your head of house, and I was responsible for you. I should have seen what was happening."

Harry shrugged and mumbled something about it not being her fault. He wished people would stop apologizing to him.

She continued anyway though "I am very glad that you are okay, Remus and Sirius came and spoke to me about what transpired this summer, and I want you to know that I would have been very, very sad if you had died. Not just because you are an important figure in the wizarding community Harry, but because you are an important person to me, and to many others who know you."

Harry was blushing again, "Thanks professor" he said awkwardly. "I don't blame you for not seeing what was happening, I became very good at hiding it from a very young age. The only reason that Remus and Sirius found out was because they came to the Dursley's house... Even then I tried to convince them it wasn't what it looked like."

McGonagall gave him a curious look, but didn't ask any further questions. They were almost to the hospital wing anyway.

Harry was terrified, he wasn't sure exactly what to expect from Remus and Sirius. Logically he knew that they were nothing like his uncle, but that didn't do much to calm his racing heart. as he stepped into the wing he saw Remus sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting area, while Sirius paced in front of him. He tried to think of something to say, but he couldn't bear to open his mouth.

It didn't matter, they saw him right away. They both rushed over quickly, hugging him. "Are you okay pup?" Sirius asked nervously.

Harry nodded, pushing them away a bit. He knew that they needed the assurance of hugging him, but it still made him queasy. "I'm fine, honest... Just a black eye and some bloodied knuckles."

Madam Pomfrey had come over to join the group, leading Harry to one of the treatment cots. "That will be for me to decide Mister Potter." She looked as if she wanted to lecture more, but Remus was doing it for her.

"Harry, what on earth were you thinking? I thought we had an understanding... you were to get help from an adult if you ran into trouble, not start a brawl on the train!"

Harry winced as Poppy cleaned the cuts on his knuckles "I would have if I could Remus, but there wasn't time... it's not like I planned this! Or even picked a fight..."

Sirius looked a bit more sympathetic "Minerva told us that you were having problems with another boy? Steven? That wouldn't happen to be the same Steven that you punched in the hospital would it?"

The blood drained from Harry's face, he didn't want them getting involved in this. "Stupid Draco couldn't just keep his mouth shut..." He muttered.

Remus gave him a look, now taking Sirius's place pacing before the cot. "Harry, Draco did the right thing by telling who it was. If this boy is bullying you, it will only get worse. You need to let the adults handle this. What did he say to you?"

Now Harry was getting mad too "Oh right, so then it can be 'Harry Potter the victim of bullying' I don't need you to fight all of my battles for me! I could have dealt with it myself if Draco and the twins hadn't barged in! I'm not some helpless victim!" He had worked himself up quite a bit, more than he meant to. And as the last sentence slipped out, his voice broke. He just stared at them, fighting back tears, and wishing that he had never said anything at all.

Sirius sighed "No one here sees you as a victim Harry, but there are better ways of dealing with your problems... Now what did that boy say to you?"

Harry bit his lip, saying nothing.

Sirius was sitting beside him now, locking eyes with him. The older man's eyes suddenly looked very tired to Harry, he could practically see all the years of hurt built up behind them as Sirius spoke. "The thing with bullys, kid, is that they hold power over us, even after they've left us alone. Because the reason their torments work, is that we are afraid of what they are saying. Not because it's true, but because if we say it out loud, others might agree. But they are wrong. I promise you, he is wrong. Whatever it is that he said."

Harry kept his eyes on Sirius, silent for a long moment before he spoke. "He called me a fag again, he was saying that I was sexually harassing him... and he... he started teasing Draco and warning him that, that I had put my last boyfriend in jail..."

Harry had expected Sirius to go into a rage as he said it, but instead he just looked very sad. "He is wrong Harry, he is so wrong... And I'm so sorry you had to listen to that."

He and Remus glanced at McGonagall, who nodded "Bullying is not tolerated here... certainly not bullying of that nature. Dumbledore and the head of Hufflepuff will be meeting with Steven and his parents tomorrow. I don't think he will be expelled, but he will be dealt with severely. And if he ever bothers you again Harry, I want you to tell me."

Harry nodded quietly, he had a feeling if Stevie ever spoke to him again they would end up in a very similar situation, but he didn't say that.

Minerva moved to leave, but turned back to add "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Professor Snape has offered to monitor your and Draco's detentions. He said you could go to his lab and help him restock his stores. I didn't think it fair to force you to spend the time with your rival and Snape, but he seemed to know something that I didn't, so I told him I would leave the choice up to you."

Harry smiled "I think I'll go with Snape, if that's alright with you professor."

Remus and Sirius each gave him a quick hug as Poppy appeared with his evening pills, and then he was off to his room.


	17. Chapter 17

Okay, so important note for this chapter/future chapters. When I first started writing this story I wasn't planning on it continuing into the next school year, nor was I planning on sharing it with anyone. When I started planning out what would happen at Hogwarts I realized that this would be the year that Umbridge would be at Hogwarts, and that doesn't really work with what I have planned for this story. Because Remus and Sirius would totally freak, and because Harry has other things to deal with. I also just really hate writing Umbridge. So, I am going to have her in the story, but she is going to pick on Draco instead of Harry, and she is going to be much more subdued. This story is focusing on Harry dealing with his past, not the plot of a book we had all already read. Sorry if that annoys you, I don't really care.

The first week of school didn't go horribly. There were still stares and whispers from other students in the hallways, and a lot of his friends didn't seem to know what to say to him. But there were no more incidents. Harry was still nervous about talking in class, but he honestly tried his best in his written work, and his professors were beginning to notice.

The woman they had sent from the ministry to teach DADA was awful, but Harry didn't let it bother him, she mostly picked on Draco. She seemed to take every opportunity that she could to give him a hard time, or take points away from him.

Harry gave Draco sympathetic glances throughout class, he even tried to speak up for him at one point, but it only seemed to make things worse.

He was even doing well not cutting, Hermione and Ron seemed to follow him everywhere, constantly asking if he was okay. It drove him insane, but he appreciated seeing how much they cared. Somehow, he could only guess that the others had planned it, the whole group managed to sit together to eat breakfast every morning. He had his suspicions that someone had told them that breakfast was his hardest meal.

It was hard to eat in the great Hall, with everyone watching them, but Harry did his best to eat at every meal. By Thursday afternoon he was actually feeling good, classes were in full swing and keeping him busy, and this afternoon he got to spend some time in the lab with Severus and the other advanced students. It was the first time he really had a chance to talk with Draco since the train.

Harry was grinding down roots into a fine powder, while Draco chopped a strange looking nut that seemed to be moving. Two other students had come in a few minutes after them, and Snape had set them to the task of going through his old stores and sorting out the potions that were too old to use. Harry couldn't help but notice that Snape had given him a task that kept him away from sharp objects, and that there was a magical lock fixed to the front of the cabinet where he kept his dreamless sleep now. But he didn't complain. It felt really good to be back in the lab, and after the first hour he was starting to feel a bit more comfortable around the other two students.

Draco had introduced them when they came in, Eliza and Ava. Eliza was a sixth year with dirty blonde hair who looked as though she should be a Hufflepuff. Harry must have looked shocked at her green accents because she laughed and explained. " Not all Slytherins are as obviously evil as Draco here is, some of us know how to be subtle."

Draco rolled his eyes, but let her continue. She gave Harry a mischievous look "declaring world domination from the roof tops has its place, but you usually attract more flies with honey."

Draco rolled his eyes "Yeah but who is trying to attract _flies_ "

Ava was only in her second year, she was very quiet, and her long, jet black hair hung down past her waist. She was slender, and her skin seemed almost translucent. She didn't say anything when Draco introduced her, but just nodded and hurried to start the task Snape had assigned her. But before she darted away Harry caught a glimpse of the green on her robes. _So I'm the only one here who isn't in Slytherin,_ he observed. It didn't really bother him, he was finding more and more, that the sorting hat had been on to him, and perhaps he had more friends in the house of snakes that anyone ever could have guessed.

He and Draco were working across from each other, so once everyone had settled at their tasks he smiled at his friend. "How's your first week of classes been?" Obviously, Harry had seen Draco every day, but without revealing their summer adventures, they couldn't risk talking much in the open. Harry glanced nervously at the girls, but he figured they couldn't spend the entire two hours in silence.

"It's been okay" Draco said vaguely "My classes are more work than I was expecting. I'll have a lot to get done this weekend, and we have Quittach try outs on Saturday… So, I need to get a jump on it."

Harry nodded, he too had noticed that the work load had increased significantly since last year. He had promised Remus he would do his best, but he had been quietly stressing about getting it all done. He was entirely too aware that for the first time since he came to Hogwarts, there were people paying attention to his grades, people who cared.

He and Draco passed the two hours in casual conversation. After a bit the girls came out and joined them at the work bench, laughing as Draco chased after his jumping nuts. It wasn't until they were cleaning up to leave that Harry finally heard Ava speak. He was at a sink in a nook at the back of the lab, and when he turned around, holding the freshly cleaned beakers he had been using, she was blocking his path.

Her eyes locked with his, she seemed to be searching for something in him. It was the first time Harry had gotten a good look at her face, and he was surprised to see that her eyes were a dark purple color, almost black. She seemed to have a very magical air about her, and Harry briefly wondered if her appearance had been influenced by magic, or if she was even fully human.

But he didn't have time to wonder, because she was speaking to him in an urgent, low voice. "What they wrote about you in the papers" She hissed, her voice thick with a Scottish burr. "Is it true?"

Harry just stared at her for a moment, unsure what to say. He hated that everyone at this school knew about his past, but she didn't seem to be asking in a mocking or nosey way. In fact, she seemed desperate to know, as if his answer was something she had been waiting for for years.

Unable to muster up his voice, he just nodded. He had wanted to lie, but he couldn't… not when it seemed so important to her.

At his nod, her face became clouded. She didn't look as though she would cry, but Harry could see she was distressed. "Are you alright, should I go get Snape?" Harry was extremely out of his depth with crying girls.

She shook her head, forcing a smile that Harry recognized, an expression he had used many times. "I'm fine, please don't get anyone I'm fine. I just… I always thought I was the only one… Here I mean… the only kid at Hogwarts who had… been through that sort of thing… A lot of Slytherins have been through bad stuff, but no one likes to talk about it that much… and no one ever talks about this kind of thing… It just means a lot, knowing I'm not the only one…"

Harry was dumbfounded "You… You… some-someone…"

Ava nodded "A neighbor boy, when I was seven. It only happened once… nothing like what you've been through but…."

Harry shook his head "It's not a competition, once is enough." He offered her a small smile, unsure what to say next. "The neighbor… did you ever…"

Ava nodded again "They moved pretty soon after, but I didn't get up the courage to tell my mum until we saw your story in the paper this summer… so, thanks I guess…"

Harry nodded, and they both moved back into the room as if nothing had happened. He wasn't sure what to think of what Ava had told him, but like she had said, it was nice to know you weren't alone.

OOO

The next day when he met with Lou they had a nice chat about his first week. He had made it almost ten minutes into the session before she finally brought up the fight on the train.

He blushed and sighed "I was kind of hoping they hadn't told you about that…" He said sheepishly.

She gave him a disbelieving smile "Come on Harry, you know better than that."

He shrugged "It wasn't a big deal…"

Now she rolled her eyes "Harry you got into a riot on the Hogwarts train, that is a big deal!"

They spent most of the rest of the session talking about what had happened. After the session Harry floo'ed back to Grimauld for dinner with Remus and Sirius, but he called it an early night, so he could get started on his homework.

The weekend flew by, and before he knew it he was attending detention with Draco. Harry had been hoping that Snape would let them work on something cool, but instead they were scrubbing cauldrons.

Snape smirked at their faces "Oh come on, you two are here for detention, you didn't expect to be making fire whiskey did you?"

Harry and Draco rolled their eyes, but set to work anyway. Snape said he had some papers to grade and slipped into his office.

Once they were alone Harry paused in his scrubbing "Draco" He asked hesitantly "You didn't get into too much trouble for defending me on the train… did you?" It was something he had been worrying about all week, but he hadn't had a chance to talk to Draco alone until now.

Draco scowled playful as he scrubbed "I'm here with you, aren't I?"

But Harry hadn't gone back to scrubbing, "No, I mean… with your parents, with your dad…"

Draco started scrubbing harder, "Don't worry about it Harry, I wouldn't change what happened anyway."

Harry sighed, he wanted to say more… but he couldn't think of what to say, so he started scrubbing again. For a while they worked in silence, then Draco paused between cauldrons "How are you doing Harry? Have you been… okay this week?"

Harry shrugged "I'm fine… I just wish people would stop hovering… I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting for me to fall apart."

Draco shrugged "They just care about you, eventually they will see that you are okay and leave you alone."

Harry nodded silently. _He's right… they just need to see that I'm okay…. I just… just need to be okay._

All evening he thought about what Draco had said, and eventually a plan started to form in his mind.

Monday morning Harry ate almost all of his breakfast. He ate all his meals that day. He threw himself into his school work, and quittach. When people asked him how he was doing, instead of saying 'fine' he told them he was great, told them how great his life was going. And he was almost starting to believe it.

The only thing he couldn't seem to pretend away was his dreams. When he was in the hospital Dr. Taylor had started him on some drug to help him sleep, it was supposed to keep him from having nightmares too, but a few weeks into school it stopped working. And because the drug was helping him stay asleep he had a hard time waking himself up.

He would jolt awake, screaming, in the middle of the night, completely unable to move. He would lie there paralyzed for what seemed like hours before he finally was able to move again and curl up into a ball until morning. After the first few nights of this, he realized that he must not really be screaming, because he never woke anyone else up. At least that was something to be thankful for.

He needed to stop taking those stupid pills, but he knew if he told anyone about the nightmares they would get worried. So, he came up with a plan. That night when he showed up at the hospital wing he practiced in his head what he was going to say as he waited his turn. He had been surprised to learn at the start of the year, that he was not the only Hogwarts student who had to come get medications from Poppy each morning and night. Apparently, Hogwarts had a rule against students managing their own medications, so there were about twenty students who made the trek to the hospital wing each night before bed.

When it was Harry's turn he took a deep breath as Poppy handed him a small paper cup with three pills in it. "Poppy," he tried not to sound nervous, and failed expertly. "Which one is the one that helps me sleep?"

Poppy pointed to it "Why Harry, is something wrong?"

Harry shook his head quickly "No, it's just… I have a test to study for… So I'm not really ready to go to sleep yet. Would it be alright if I save it and take it later?"

Poppy nodded so casually that Harry almost couldn't believe it. He thanked her and hurried away before she could change her mind.

Harry couldn't bring himself to throw out the pill, so he stashed it in a small sack at the bottom of his trunk. That night after everyone else had gone to bed he stayed up late reading a potions book Severus had given him. He thought that if he stayed up late enough, he might be able to sleep through the night. Boy was he wrong.

He woke up screaming again, or at least, at the sound of a scream. He had figured out by now that he wasn't actually screaming, the screaming was a part of the dream. But whenever he woke, he couldn't remember for the life of him what he had been dreaming about.

To his dismay, even without taking the sleeping pill, he still lay in a frozen terror for what seemed like ages. But unlike previous times, when he was finally able to move, he was wide awake. He got up and paced the room for a bit, finally taking shelter in the bathroom with his book, so as not to wake his roommates. It was only two am, it was going to be a long night.


End file.
